Tuesday, June 1, 2010

OARFTHOTUFndhtb!!! I really don't want to write right now but I've been trying to practice the opposite to emotion skill.

Today was tough, but not in an eating disordered way which was a welcome relief. I had my anthro exam this evening. I spent the entire morning studying for it and then by lunch time I got so anxious that I immediately went into numbness seeking mode. I was literally sitting in my pile of notes, panting, and racking my brain to come up with some way to zone out of the bad place. I thought of bingeing, running, self injury, the one emergency cigarette I allow myself each month... all of these have proved very effective in the past.

I don't know what it was... maybe the DBT coping skills have finally been beaten into my subconscious, but something about the old way of doing things made me kind of depressed. So I took a really cold bath in my pajamas, drained the tub, and then sat there reviewing all of the epochs of the Cenozoic era.

The horrid issue now is that I really can't say how I did on the test. I'd say maybe 60% of the answers I would bet my life on I got right. Then 20% I'm fairly certain were correct.... and the other 20% were toughies that I tried to just make solid guesses on.

And now it's 1:30 in the morning and any and all hope of sleeping is gone because I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen if I don't do well. Okay, sure you can say it's just one test but the truth is that grades are like a number on the scale. When it's not an acceptable value I'm not an acceptable person.

Oh em gee you know what it is?? It's the effing ritalin my dad gave me before the exam! I TOLD him that taking it after 5:00 in the afternoon would be bad and it would keep me up but he was all like no no no it wears off within three hours. Bull. I blame him.

I'm so wired right now!!!! Think I'll watch some Glee and sing along quietly...

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