Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Strumming to the beat of the binge monster

Haha what a horrific title! But I thought it was corny and random so what the heck.

Just got back from my second guitar class. It's become slightly more enjoyable since I've pulled the stick out of my butt and made the commitment to be enthusiastic. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. There are about ten students, most of them in their 50's and 60's, and one girl who is 14. She's been trying to bond with me and it's actually sort of cute. Both of us are here because our mothers signed us up.

She said, "But you're twenty. Why even bother coming home for the summer? Just stay at school..."

I hate having to come up with different ways to respond to questions like these. If I were a more confident person I would just tell the truth. "Because I can't be trusted with food when I'm alone." But alas I am just Eliza; self conscious and ashamed. So I just told her that I come back to Boston for the summers because I have a good job working at a summer camp. Which is true actually so I'm not really lying...

Wound up bingeing today. AND weighing myself. Well, first I weighed myself, then got so depressed that it caused me to binge. I've gained almost fifteen pounds in two weeks. Granted, a few are surely made of water but it's still pretty scary. I can't remember the last time I had so many binge episodes one right after the other. I'm incredibly scared of what's happening. Talked to my mom about it today, and we both think/hope that it might get better once I start working at camp next week. Urges tend to become more manageable when I have actual activities occupying my time during the day. I don't want to make any assumptions though. I am completely terrified of the eating disorder monster right now...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Weird day

My mood is better today. I feel a little more confident in my ability to get back on track... watching The Bachelorette last night helped.

I woke up at noon. So far today I've eaten a big bowl of high protein and fiber cereal and three big spoonfuls of nutella. Then I went to the gym and now it's almost dinner time. I'm not one for broadcasting the specifics of my food consumption but I want to be held accountable today. Probably not enough to meet a meal plan... but I'm literally still full from yesterday so it's hard to judge what I actually need today.

My bedroom is in total disarray because the AC has been dripping suspicious fluid onto the carpet for almost two weeks and I haven't really taken time to check it out. Only when Heather pointed out the smell of mold did we take the time to sniff out the source. Ugh... the bottom of my mattress is wet now, AND it leaked through the floor to the living room ceiling downstairs and ruined the plaster. My parents blame me. I blame whoever bought such a trashy air conditioner.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Never mind

FUCK MY LIFE! Forget everything I said about starting fresh because IT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT. The only thing that matters is getting through these ridiculously unbearable days without doing something dumb and self-destructive.

I wish I was an alcoholic. Or addicted to crack. I wish I stole things impulsively or raped someone or strangled a puppy because at least that way I could be put away for my behavior. Unfortunately for me, bingeing is not against the law and probably never will be so I'm up against a losing battle.

I need to start taking my medications more regularly. I dunno why I think it's okay for me to go off them. It never is.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

HOoray for fresh starts

Good evening, friends. Tomorrow I start my life anew. Isn't that exciting? Tomorrow is the start of an incredible improvement on the existing me. Food issues aside, I have a bunch of other goals I need to reach and I have two more months before school starts to reach them so until that time I am going to devote all my energy into not being a freak. Awesome right? Here is the goals sheet I've written up. I have purposely LEFT OUT any goals that involve weight loss or meal plans because I feel like I set unrealistic expectations in that area...


-respond to e-mails or phone calls that I'd rather ignore
-help out around the house and keep my living space neat even if I feel like wallowing in dirty laundry
-be social with friends even though I'm unworthy and fat
-attend Quaker meeting faithfully every Sunday even though it feels better to sleep in
-be open and honest with my T even though she is a wormy little snot who wants nothing but bad things for me
-vocalize frustrations and fears to people instead of to food


-finish Anna Karenina b/c it's been a year already and I need to just get my shit together and tear through
-practice guitar for at least 10 minutes every day
-write weekly letters to friends and other family members
-blog every day!
-maybe start writing a fairy tale for fun
-devote one hour every day to recovery work (journaling, food&feelings workbook)

Maybe I'll go back and add stuff in later on but for now that feels good.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

At loose ends

A couple hours ago I asked my mom what we were doing this evening. Out for dinner? Seeing a moving? Having guests over? Sometimes when I don't have any plans I revert back to this old childhood instinct of asking my mother what I've got going on. A part of me still expects her have lined up a play date or a family outing for me. She asked if I was okay and when I said yeah sure why she said, "You seem a little at loose ends."

Okay, say what you will about my mother, but the woman can read me like a freaking book. The past three days haven't been particularly stressful... class is over and I don't have to study anymore. But for no apparent reason I've been binge eating rather mindlessly and without even really bothering to try and stop myself.

I'm sad. Being out of control and gaining weight makes me sad :(

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Change o' Plans

Alright people, the summer plans are shifting around- SLIGHTLY. I've decided not to drive out early to Michigan with my Aunt Sarah, but stick around here for another month and work a couple weeks at a local day camp near my house. I've worked there five summers in a row now and they love me so it's a safe choice and I feel okay about it. Plus I want to keep paying my parents a little bit for guilt. Sorry did I say for guilt? I meant for college.

I had my last day of class today, and I honestly have no idea how I did on the final. I keep checking for my grade online but class was only two hours ago so she probably hasn't finished marking up all 55 exams yet...

So one more month to go! One more month till Michigan. One more month till cherry pie, frolicking in the orchards, and swimming in the bay. It will be just magnificent.

(P.S. I rarely eat pie, nor do I frolick, and if I can't lose a solid ten pounds before a month is up there will be no swimming for me)

Can't wait! I'll do a countdown starting with my next blog entry.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Summer, you are not welcome

This weather makes me want to peel off my skin, build an igloo, and live inside it. Fortunately, I have given myself permission to hole up all day long in my air conditioned room and study for my final. IT'S TOMORROW, PEOPLE! Yesterday in class we played a review game in the form of jeopardy, which is never a good idea when I'm involved because I get way too into it- yelling out answers (even when they're wrong!) when it's not my team's turn, snapping at people who try to argue with me, complaining and pouting when other teams get easier questions... it's why my family excludes me from board games.

So yeah. I'll review everything today... taking breaks of course to go to the bathroom and the gym. Dammit. I guess I also need to feed my neighbor's cat again. And then our tenant, Margie, has hired me to water her plants and pay bills while she's in peru. This is just sad. Where is my vacation?

There's this dress in my closet that belongs to my cousin, and for the past week and a half I've been trying it on every day. About 10 days ago I could only get the zipper up halfway, and since then I've been able to slide it up a little farther every two days which makes me feel very proud. Of course it probably just means my ginormous torso is stretching the fabric but oh well.

All the siblings are out of school now so I don't have to be alone during the day anymore!

Also, my mother signed me up for guitar lessons. WTF?

Monday, June 21, 2010

This week

As the true heat of summer sets in, I am reminded now more than ever, of how focused I want to be. On EVERYTHING. Not just on resisting binges. I was thinking about it last night as I was trying to fall asleep (and you guys will kill me for saying this), but for the first time I feel like my semester at home has an ending in sight, and fall is not all that far off! The point is, while things haven't starting to change YET, I feel the changes coming.

So let's see what's on the itinerary for this week... I need to put in at least two hours a day on preparing for my final exam... I have to feed my neighbor's cat every day until the end of the month (ugh), I'm getting together tomorrow with Rebecca at Quaker meeting to go over end of the year stuff and organize the classroom supply closets, class tomorrow as well... Wednesday hopefully nothing but studying and the gym, Thursday I meet with my T and my N and then later in the afternoon I have that test. It's not a jam packed week but it still makes me feel stressed out.

I can't find the earrings I usually wear. Just these little gold posts and I lost them. My holes are totally starting to close up so I've been wearing the only other pair I can find which are these super ostentatious chandeliers.

Oh poop. I should probably get back to my flash cards. Did you know in Vietnam there's an extinct ape species called Gigantopithecus? The guy was like 18 ft. tall and had canines the size of my hand...

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My life at the moment...

Everything has become veeery routine this week. I wake up every morning around the same time, somewhere between eight and nine, I eat breakfast, and then the rest of the day functions around three continuous tasks: study for my FINAL test next Thursday, take breaks in between to reward myself with an episode or two of some silly new abc show on my laptop, and try not think about ice cream. OH and go to the gym.

Plans for the rest of summer? Lets see... I'll be home for another month before driving out to Michigan with Aunt Sarah. My family has a cherry farm up in northern Michigan that my uncle manages and takes care of. We've gone there every summer that I can truly remember. It's lovely and summery but not too hot this time of year, and the farmhouse is super old and filled with childhood memories. Sometimes I feel like my life revolves around going out there for that one month each year... I can't wait.
Anyways, that happens in four weeks or so. I'll stay there until the end of August before going back to NY with my Aunt for school.

Until then, it looks like I have about a month to kill... maybe I'll join a book club or something.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Definitely doing better. I got an 88 on the biological anthropology test I BARELY studied for, and my Uncle and his family are finally gone so the house is back to the original five. Plus Heather I guess which makes six. Also I've been binge-free since Sunday.

Today it's a little overcast and just under seventy degrees which is perfect running weather. It's funny- I always love the idea of running and then I get out there and after five minutes it's not really fun anymore. I would dearly love to become a better runner. I know that a day might come when I won't have the gym as my number one source of cardio... and in that case I'd like to have something else high-powered and stress relieving to fall back on.

I officially declare my sleep schedule uniformly off. I go to bed at 3:00 and sleep in till 11:00... which is dumb because then I try to convince myself it's okay to skip breakfast since I overslept.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Ugh. Family.

Please just kill me right now. My ridiculous Uncle Charlie and his wife and son are coming out to Boston to stay with us for a few days. After my cousin Carrie's graduation from Dartmouth, I guess they figured they'd round out their trip to New England by coming to Boston as well.

I just finished grocery shopping for my mom (hate shopping for food after a bunch of binge days) because she wanted a whole lot of extra provisions for the guests.... cheese, crackers, fancy muffins for breakfast... only it ALL HAD TO BE ORGANIC because Uncle Charlie is editor of some snobby food magazine I can't remember the name of right now.

Anyways. This has been a tough week. I have a pretty sizeable test tomorrow and I've just been too emotional and sickened by food consumption to study.

Day four back on meds since I realized I'd been forgetting to take them again. I think I feel better and less urgey? But it's hard to tell because I'm also haveing anxiety about the test and social phobia over seeing family members.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Good news/bad news

The bad news is I was wrong about using today to regain my strength because I binged again this evening. It's raining and I'm home alone watching Jaws and studying. The good news is I know absolutely why the behaviors have gotten so out of control the past few days. I've been forgetting to take my antidepressants again. This happens EVERY SINGLE FREAKING time. I haven't been skipping doses on purpose I swear. It's just that up until four days ago things had been going really well and I guess I just sort of... figured it wouldn't hurt if I missed a few days.

Oh man I'm such an idiot!

The shark in this movie really seems to have quite a personal vendetta against seemingly innocent people- especially little kids on floaty rafts. What's that about?

Regaining some strength

It seems that the binge wave has passed, which is a relief but now I have to pick up the pieces and try to get on with my life despite the crippling shame and extra poundage that I'm left with.

My cousin Carrie is graduating from Dartmouth this weekend so my family is driving up to NH with my Aunt Sarah to attend... I'm unwilling to see any family members in my present condition so opted to stay home with Heather and just study for the exam on Tuesday. I took my notes and textbook over to the library this morning in order to get some distance from the house but I basically curled up in a chair and slept instead. The binge eating has thrown my sleep schedule all off! I really hope it doesn't reflect in my test grade.

So I'm home now, watching South Park and letting my brain rot away. I've tried to get back on track today with the food piece. I was still full from yesterday when I woke up but I still ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Since then though all I've had is a luna bar. I'm not restricting on purpose, I swear. I just feel like I can't even look at food right now...

Thanks you guys for reading and commenting. Especially on my more distressed posts! It's helping.

Friday, June 11, 2010


DOOM. I CAN'T SEEM TO CLIMB OUT OF THIS BLACK HOLE OF BINGEING. THE WORST PART IS I'M NOT EVEN ENJOYING IT. THIS IS COMPLETELY UNCHARTED TERRITORY FOR ME. I'M ANXIOUS, I'M IN DISTRESS, I'M SAD, I'M SCARED, AND FOOD ISN'T MAKING IT GO AWAY. FOOD ALWAYS MAKES IT GO AWAY WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? Alright maybe I'll drop the caps lock because I think that's making it worse. I have terrible cramps right now and no idea where my brother put the Motrin so I'm just sitting here in a cloud of despair and ovary pain. There are so many things I'm worrying about right now I have no idea where to start so I'll just list them in no real order:

-enormous test on Tuesday
-Heather wants me to meet her boyfriend but I'm having a lot of social phobia lately and I really don't feel comfortable meeting new people right now
-going to Sandwich, NH in three weeks with the family for our annual 4th of July weekend fun time and I want to be thin for all the fun stuff we're going to do
-Aunt Sarah is coming today and I love her but haven't seen her in a month or so- makes me wonder if I've gained weight since
-this is my third binge day in a row and I see no end in sight

This is so bad. I'm so angry with myself.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A tad nuts

I feel like garbage- poopy garbage. I'm looking at the binge criteria I made yesterday and how much of it fits right now... there's the shitty mood, the rainy weather, the fact that I binged yesterday, worked out this morning, and (YIKES) weighed myself at the gym. That was dumb. Who in their right mind would weigh themselves right after eating a ton of food? Even my nutritionist says the number won't be accurate because you're probably retaining lots of salt and water. Anyways, it's a little like the perfect storm right now. I'm not feeling crazy urgey at the moment but I feel like I might later on.

Oh god and Heather just left to go buy a suit for her job interview so now I'm home completely alone.

I'm anxious about class this evening because last night I had a terrible dream that I didn't read my textbook chapter closely enough and I was completely unable to take the quiz and then my professor was like... "Well I guess I can drop your lowest quiz grade at the end of the semester..." Then I started crying because so far the lowest score I'd gotten was an 86 and I wanted THAT one to be the one that got dropped. It was all very real and now I'm having trouble separating it from real life and imaginationland.

Also my Aunt Sarah (the one who I'm probs going to live with in NY next year) is coming to visit tomorrow and as much as I love her I hate seeing people I haven't seen in a while because I always assume I'm heavier than the last time they saw me.

Man I'm really insane today it's killing me. What kills me even more though is that I know I could numb out all the bad feelings with a big batch of homemade cookie dough. HOWEVER, that will only be a quick fix and the uneasiness and anxiety will always return.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Nutella and stuff

It is cold and rainy out tonight. Reminds me of late winter early spring. The most depressing time of year if you ask me. Anyways, after dinner I sat around fiddling away on my computer and started to feel bored and lonely and rather contemplative about the upcoming summer months so I ended up going out to buy food to binge on. It wasn't terrible. I ended up getting a quart of ice cream, a jar of nutella, and a butterfinger candy bar. I ate maybe three quarters of the ice cream, DID NOT EAT THE ENTIRE THING which is a total first for me. I had maybe half the candy bar, and then (eek!), half the jar of nutella. When I felt full I thought the best thing to do would be to throw the leftovers away so I did that just to make absolutely certain I wouldn't go back to them later on.

In general the binges are getting smaller. I kept a log of all my episodes in the past month and here is what I've noticed:

-67% of binges were in response to a strong emotion
-73% of binges occurred on rainy days
-88% of binges lead to domino binges (meaning I usually binged the following day b/c I'm so bummed about the last one)
-A whopping 95% of binges occurred just after engaging in some sort of screen time (e.g. television, computer...)
-92% of binges occurred on days when I went to the gym
-83% of binges occurred on days when I weighed myself
-100% of binges occurred on days when I restricted

So, keeping all of this in mind for future reference will be very useful indeed because it tells me what I need to watch out for. So I will stay extra mindful on days that are rainy, days that are moody, days that are lazy and full of screens, gym days, restriction days, and scale days. Dammit that's a lot of days.

Anyways. I'm not getting too hung up about this slip. I figure I learned a little something from it.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I don't wanna work I just wanna blog on my mac all dayyy

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.

If procrastination were an olympic sport, I would totally take home the gold.

Aarrghh! I planned out my reading for class so well this weekend. I scheduled like fifteen pages per day but Saturday I read three and Sunday I read none so now I'm a little behind and I really don't want to start. This class has been RIDICULOUS. Because it's only a month long we have a quiz and a lab each class, and a test almost every other week. The only reason I'm handling it is because I have no other courses going on at the same time. Hmph. Well once I finish this post I'll get started I swear.

The Bachelorette is on tonight so I'm excited about that. Heather and I have turned Monday nights into a total tradition. We tape The Bachelorette, let it run for about half an hour, and THEN start watching from the beginning so we can fast forward through commercials. Reality television is just deplorable but right now it's better than anything going on my life so I'm enjoying it.

Haven't weighed myself in a couple days... probably will in about two weeks though. I like to weigh myself right AFTER my period ends because I'm always lighter around that time of the month. Sorry. Too much information.

Eeeeeeeeee! I really don't want to read from a textbook right now!!! You know what though? It'll only be torture during the transition from computer to reading. It's just that fifteen second interval when you wrench yourself away thats the most painful. Here we go here we go nose the grindstone.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sick. Bored.

I officially declare myself sick. Either that or I'm just having the world's worst allergies.

Last night it was so freaking hot I couldn't fall asleep in my usual spot on the couch so I moved to the floor in my room where it's air conditioned. It doesn't really feel like my room anymore. Have I mentioned before that my cousin lives with us?? Her name is Heather. She's 23. She moved to Boston last year after graduation and so she's saving up for an apartment and waiting to find a steady job that isn't through the temp agency. Anyways, she has my room. Which was fine and dandy while I was at school but since I took the semester off I am sort of room-less. I'm not bitter. The couch is where I belong anyways. But I digress. My story was that I woke up in the middle of the night because I had the worst ache in my teeth and I was hungry. So I ate some crackers and took some Motrin and then fell back asleep.

Huh. That story sounded a lot more interesting in my head.

Oh right it was leading up to my being sick. I know I'm sick now because even though the sore throat is gone I have a flemmy cough. Plus my voice is a little froggy like and it was difficult to work out today.

We just had the most MASSIVE thunderstorm. It took down like half of my neighbor's tree and ripped down a bunch of power lines. The winds got up to 65 mph so weather people starting issuing tornado warnings.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Blegh I'm outta control

Ew. Grotesque food binge this evening. Most likely precipitated by the fact that my throat has been so sore lately and I just needed something to distract me from the pain. I hate pain :(

My food and feelings workbook came in the mail today though so maybe I'll dive into that tomorrow. My nutritionist told me that it helps to make plans for the next day, that way I won't wake up and feel like the only way to cope post-binge is to binge again. Bingeing is gross. I don't even the word 'binge.' It sounds like twinge. And bitch.

Now my tummy hurts. Whenever I eat ice cream I always convince myself that nothing bad will happen if I eat more but it always does. Owie. I can feel the sugary sweet creamy disgustingness coating the stomach wall.

I miss New York. Today I found myself counting down the days until I go back to school. And NOT just because I have less binge urges when I'm away from home. I need life to go back to that motion of moving forward, you know?

So I'll write out the plan for tomorrow. Not because I think you guys should care but because I need something concrete to follow.

-Be up by 11:00. I'm allowed to sleep in because I sick
-Eat a combination of breakfast and lunch. brunch.
-Go to gym early and get it out of the way
-Come home and study for a solid two hours.
-Mope for twenty minutes and graph how intense self hatred gets
-Make a commitment to stop binge eating
-Make a commitment to recognize that if I want to stop binge eating I have to stop restricting in the morning
-Watch some mindless television

Also I noticed that in my last post I said something about how I hadn't been bingeing lately but now I realized that must have jinxed me so from now on I'm not going to recognize success in that area.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Some face time with Ed

I can't really tell if I'm having allergy symptoms right now... everything seems to be fine except for my throat which stings when I swallow. Maybe I'll take some Benadryl in an hour or so. I would dearly love to sleep tonight.

I feeling like I haven't written enough about the eating disorder lately. I guess that's not bad though... must mean my thoughts are starting to branch out.

I've been following the meal plan more or less, and not measuring out every single exchange with a cup or a tablespoon. My mom saw me pouring cereal into a measuring cup last week and she said, "Are you supposed to do that?"

I was like, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "That seems like a behavior to me."

I didn't really know how to respond because technically yes, getting in the habit of feeling like you need the perfectly portioned bowl of cereal is a little EDed. So I just frowned and told her there were no more clean bowls and I was gonna eat out of a measuring cup instead. She believed me too. My mom is so funny that way.

I'm also pleasantly surprised by how low my gym urges have been. I was totally expecting to start going back to my super strict work out regimen once I finished IOP but I find myself being much more flexible. This week I only went to the gym twice! The other days I either did work outside or went jogging.

On the other hand (the other disgustingly ham sized hand), the body image has been crippling. I can't even shower with the lights on because I look down at my stomach rolls and I just want to cry. I've also stopped putting any effort whatsoever into my overall appearance and persona. Just for future reference, when I say that I've "stopped trying", it always means one or all of the following:

a) I've stopped wearing any of my own clothes and am now shrouded in my brother's baggy gym shorts and football jerseys

b) My hair is rarely brushed and always thrown up in a bun or a ratty ponytail

c) I'm wearing glasses again because contacts look better on my face when it's thin

d) If I'm out running or walking I will hide behind trees when I see people I know coming near b/c I don't want to be seen

e) Oh yeah I don't even bother with mascara either

f) Sleeping on the couch every night because I don't feel thin enough for my bed (huh?)

Lots of other stuff too. Those are just main ones. Also I wanted to give you guys an image of me to hold in your minds whenever you think you are hitting rock bottom. It will make you feel tons better.

BUT OH on the bright side I'm really not bingeing which is great. I'm also only weighing myself once a week and that's great too!

Wooooof this was a long post!! One more thing I wanted to add... I'm not really one of those people who refers to their eating disorder by the name of "Ed." I just thought the title was appropriate. My eating disorder would not have a human name. It would be something monstrous like Gryndelwulten or Ogfurt.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

OARFTHOTUFndhtb!!! I really don't want to write right now but I've been trying to practice the opposite to emotion skill.

Today was tough, but not in an eating disordered way which was a welcome relief. I had my anthro exam this evening. I spent the entire morning studying for it and then by lunch time I got so anxious that I immediately went into numbness seeking mode. I was literally sitting in my pile of notes, panting, and racking my brain to come up with some way to zone out of the bad place. I thought of bingeing, running, self injury, the one emergency cigarette I allow myself each month... all of these have proved very effective in the past.

I don't know what it was... maybe the DBT coping skills have finally been beaten into my subconscious, but something about the old way of doing things made me kind of depressed. So I took a really cold bath in my pajamas, drained the tub, and then sat there reviewing all of the epochs of the Cenozoic era.

The horrid issue now is that I really can't say how I did on the test. I'd say maybe 60% of the answers I would bet my life on I got right. Then 20% I'm fairly certain were correct.... and the other 20% were toughies that I tried to just make solid guesses on.

And now it's 1:30 in the morning and any and all hope of sleeping is gone because I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen if I don't do well. Okay, sure you can say it's just one test but the truth is that grades are like a number on the scale. When it's not an acceptable value I'm not an acceptable person.

Oh em gee you know what it is?? It's the effing ritalin my dad gave me before the exam! I TOLD him that taking it after 5:00 in the afternoon would be bad and it would keep me up but he was all like no no no it wears off within three hours. Bull. I blame him.

I'm so wired right now!!!! Think I'll watch some Glee and sing along quietly...