Sunday, February 28, 2010

Strap in

Well it's my last day of freedom before starting outpatient. I have been so dreading the idea of treatment for the last week that I've been subsequently holding on to my disordered eating and exercise behavior even more strongly than usual- as if I'm afraid they're going to stolen from me or something. No binges this week. I tend to stop bingeing and go back to starving when things start feeling out of control.

The little gremlin who lives in the back of my head and controls the bad behavior though has worked out three ways that I can get back to losing weight even in treatment: The first is that I only promised my parents two weeks. After that I'm gone. The second is that, no matter how uncomfortable I am with the amount of food I have to eat there I can always skip dinner at home to avoid any drastic calorie overload. The third is that even though they said no exercise, I can cheat. I like to think of myself as someone who faces most obstacles with integrity but the truth is when it comes to weight loss, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for it.

I do hope that my negative attitude towards recovery doesn't show or rub off on any of the other people I meet there. I'd hate to bring around a cloud and rain on everyone's parade.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Something Awful

Today was just about the worst day I've ever had in the history of my life. The rain didn't help.

I woke up this morning and made the hour long commute over to my intake interview. This outpatient program is finally ready to give me a spot. I talked with the lady in charge of the day program for about an hour- told her about the different ways I use food, diet, and exercise as coping mechanisms, and discussed the parts of my eating disorder I'm willing to work on (impulse control, bingeing, etc...) and the parts I'm not so ready to give up (my low-calorie diet, the gym...). What I was unaware of is that, unfortunately, this place is a cold turkey type of deal. She told me, in the nicest way possible of course, that there was no wiggle room with the meal plans. Breakfast, snack, and lunch are non-negotiable. I was silent for a minute or two after she told me this. In addition, (and this is the part where I started tearing up right there in the office) I am required to put my gym membership on hold for the time being. No exercise. It was a lot to take in, and she told me to just think about it- call her back in a few days once I decided whether or not I could handle the program. I came home, in total freak out mode, and just exploded at my mother. I told her there was absolutely no way I would take part in a treatment program that could be so unrelenting and so stringent. I cried, harder than I've cried in a really long time. The worst part was that she was just as upset to hear me so outraged and opposed to something I've been needing and waiting on for months.

Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist right afterward so I was able to work some of this out. I can agree, for the time being, TO TRY this program for maybe two weeks or so. The lady I spoke with today said its totally acceptable for patients to leave if they don't feel good about it. This is what I've agreed to, but it is with a very heavy heart.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Grumble Grumble

Can't say there's anything new to report in the past few days. I'm feeling unenthusiastic and fat after bingeing three days in a row this week but I don't think going into detail about it would make me feel better. Yesterday was detox though. This is what I call the day AFTER a binge-- gross and bloated but still craving sugar. I literally had to pay my little sister to follow me around all day and make sure I didn't attack the cookie jar or sneak off to the grocery store to buy candy. I'm such a junkie.

Anyways I got a part time job as the Assistant First Day School Coordinator at my family's Quaker meeting. Did I mention I was raised a Quaker? We're not super religious but I've gone every Sunday ever since I can remember so I thought a job in a familiar setting might be good for me. Basically it's putting out supplies for First Day (Sunday) School, buying snacks, cleaning up. It sounds easy but there are like a million little things I need to remember to do and I almost always forget at least three. It sucks. Today this woman came up to me and said something like, "Oh Eliza dear, there was practically no juice in the classrooms today and the children were EVER so thirsty..." My first impulse was to tell her that juice is essentially just sugar water and that kids would be better off drinking regular water or low-fat milk but then I remembered that most people don't put as much of their thought/time/space/energy/lives into obsessing over that sort of thing so I just gulped and said sorry.

Doing well with the no-weighing-myself thing. Although I can't say it's all that difficult because even if I could step on the scale I have absolutely no desire to see what the number is right now. I suppose the next time I'll find out is at some doctor's appointment or another- which reminds me- still no news on when my treatment will start. Who cares though? More time to lose this weight.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Plan

I think I want to start taking guitar lessons or something. My life is becoming increasingly more revolved around the binge and purge cycle and it's really starting to wear on me. Yesterday and this morning were big eating days, which means my seven day streak is broken and now I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN. I blame the person who invented ice cream. And pancakes.

Today is warm! I can't believe it! Well, it's about 45 degrees which is pretty damn spring-like for New England in February. Maybe the gym will be less crowded and I'll get my favorite elliptical. I like to think that in weather like this more people choose to be outside instead of on the treadmill.

Anyways, in regards to the weight issue, I still need to lose 10 pounds but the only way to achieve this is to STOP BINGEING.

That being said I've made a decision that I think will be both terrifying and effective. Are you ready for it?

I'm going to go exactly TWO WEEKS without weighing myself.

The way I see it, I'm always disappointed with the numbers, and I think that is part of what triggers the overeating. If I ditch the scale for a couple of weeks, I cut out a major source of stress.

What do people think of the plan? Ambitious, right? Also, if you guys have any tips for handling ED behaviors like bingeing I'd love to hear them.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Mmmmmmm. It's a total winter wonderland outside this morning. Today is going to be a good day I think. I have an appointment with my therapist at 4:00. Not quite sure what we'll discuss considering we both thought I'd be in treatment by now. Oh well. When all else fails I usually end up talking about all the other disorders I'm CONVINCED that I have... borderline personality, social phobia, paranoia, attention deficit. To name a few.

Now I have stomach ache from too much coffee. So we'll add caffeine addiction to the list there too...

My dad wants to start going to the gym with me again. Though he says it's to save gas, I know he just wants to keep tabs on my exercise. He tends to get all quiet and judgmental if he notices that I burn over 400 calories, and I really can't deal with that. I'm anxious enough about being forced into this eating program and right now my 500 calorie blasting sessions are the only thing keeping my head above the water.

And I know exactly what Dr. Pantyhose will say when I mention this. "He just cares about you, Eliza. Everyone just cares about you." While I know this is true, it doesn't make me feel any better or change the fact that I still need to lose these last 8 to 10 pounds.

By the way, thanks you guys for answering my ridiculous questions. It helps. A lot. I love that we all have something in common.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


So my obsessive thinking about food and exercise is kicking up and I really want to resolve this question...

Is there a certain type of food that's better to eat before working out? Like do you burn more calories if you eat something carb-ish first? I've heard that its better to save protein packed snacks like yogurt and nuts for AFTER the gym but I have no idea. Does that mean you shouldn't eat them before exercise? What the hell?

Ugh. Does anyone know? Does it even matter? I'M FRIGHTENED.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Today was SUPPOSEDLY going to be my first day in outpatient treatment, but it got postponed AGAIN. I'm starting to think this place has changed their minds about me. At my intake interview I kept asking questions like, "Do I HAVE to eat snack?" and "What happens if I had a big breakfast and I'm not hungry?" I hope I didn't seem difficult...
Either way I don't really care what happens or when it starts. I just hate being home alone all day!!

I've been feeling like such a failure the past few days. I know I'm only on medical leave for a semester, but I feel like a college drop out or something. Luckily my self-esteem issues are making me hyper focused on weight loss so I haven't binged in a whole week. Pretty soon I should be back to my pre-holiday weight. Being skinny will make up for the fact that I have no other redeeming qualities at the moment.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Crazy

First day back on meds. I feel better. Obviously its too soon to see any real change but I think the act is symbolic in a way. I'm on the road to recovery already.

If you want to know the truth... I don't really like the word recovery. It automatically makes me think of weight gain. WARNING: I'm about to start talking numbers. Just for the record, I am thin. About a month ago I was ten pounds thinner because of some extreme dieting, but I've been bingeing so much lately after I went off the meds. A health professional would say I'm at a healthy weight right now, but mentally I disagree. Being thin is fine. Who doesn't love thin? But being skinny is THE BEST. Maybe it's shallow and repulsive but I love being able to wear my size 2 jeans. I love waking up in the morning and counting my ribs. I love being small enough to be carried again! So in terms of recovery, I'm ready to confront the feelings and obsessions and compulsions behind the disorder, but only if I can stay at the lowest healthy weight possible. Does that seem reasonable??

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Bad Eliza

Today I had an appointment with a cardiologist but I slept through it. Whoops.

My heart rate is a little slow, which, according to the doctor, is probably just because of all the exercise I do. For people who work out a lot, it takes less beats per minute for their hearts to pump blood. So just to be on the safe side I was supposed to get it checked out.

So after I finished napping through a considerable health obligation, I went to see my therapist for our standing weekly meeting. I started seeing her when I was twelve for panic attacks, and since then she's seen me through bouts of anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, binge eating, anorexia, and now this. What is this? Anyways, she and I were wondering aloud to one another about why the bingeing in particular is becoming more and more frequent. I sort of casually confessed to having gone off my antidepressants about two weeks ago. "Why? Why would you DO that??" She asked. I shrugged. The truth? I HAVE NO IDEA. Sure, they taste kind of like feet and every so often one gets stuck in my throat and I have to swallow huge globs of peanut butter in order to force it down but STILL. Surely a few moments of discomfort don't explain why I'm skipping out on a medication that has helped me so much in the past.

Fluoxetine is a happy little drug, despite whatever gripes I may have. It works for the treatment of major depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, bulimia nervosa, and panic disorder. About a month ago my psychiatrist upped the dosage to 60 mg, and it was around then that I just sort of... stopped taking them. The worst part is, every time mom hands me the pills in the morning I end up hiding them in random places around the house- drawers, flowers pots, shoes. Not the best idea considering I have a little sister. And cats.


Monday, February 8, 2010

Mondays Mondays

I fell asleep on the couch last night, and woke up this morning at 10:30 with my glasses taped to my face. I think my brother is jealous that I get to take time off from school because he's been pulling these random little stunts pretty often. A few days ago I woke up with a pile of dirty laundry on top of me, and a soggy pancake on my face.

Hungover and achy from last night's Girl Scout Cookie binge. About a month ago I ordered like forty dollars worth from my ten year old sister (impulse control is not my strong suit), and they just came yesterday. Anyways, everyone is either at work or school right now so I tried to soothe the loneliness and anxiety with a box of tag-a-longs for breakfast but of course all that has managed to do is assault my body with more refined sugar and carbs. Damage control now. No food for the rest of the day. Hour and half on the elliptical.

I'm hoping that writing about what's happening will make it easier somehow. I've kept journals and diaries before, but I have no experience with blogs. This is new territory for me...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Here goes.

As of a couple weeks ago, I have officially decided that my life is on hold. My name is Eliza. I am nineteen years old. I go to college in NY but recently it's been decided that I should take a semester off because something is happening to me only I don't know what.

I guess it started as a diet over the summer. It ALWAYS starts off with a diet. Anyways, I went back to school in the fall, and suddenly it was like my body was my most important project. I was taking psych, french, and theater for classes-- but after two weeks of being back it was my weight loss that I boasted the best results in. Whatever, it was months ago. I lost about fifteen pounds in seven weeks, gaining more and more motivation every time I stepped on the scale and watched the numbers drop. I've never been so good at anything in my whole life-- losing weight I mean. I'm terribly insecure. So much so that I avoid activities in general because I'm afraid to fail. But I wasn't failing with weight loss.

Anyways I'm home now. Home for second semester. The anorexia has sort of morphed into a new and worse type of eating disorder. At least twice a week I binge to the point where the skin on my stomach stretches painfully over my jeans, then I spend the next few days restricting calories and working off the extra shame at the gym. I have no idea what is happening, but I have never felt this out of control and I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore.

In about a week I'm starting an outpatient day treatment program. Don't know quite how I feel about it yet-- mom and dad are making me.

Questions? Advice? I'm listening.