Today was just about the worst day I've ever had in the history of my life. The rain didn't help.
I woke up this morning and made the hour long commute over to my intake interview. This outpatient program is finally ready to give me a spot. I talked with the lady in charge of the day program for about an hour- told her about the different ways I use food, diet, and exercise as coping mechanisms, and discussed the parts of my eating disorder I'm willing to work on (impulse control, bingeing, etc...) and the parts I'm not so ready to give up (my low-calorie diet, the gym...). What I was unaware of is that, unfortunately, this place is a cold turkey type of deal. She told me, in the nicest way possible of course, that there was no wiggle room with the meal plans. Breakfast, snack, and lunch are non-negotiable. I was silent for a minute or two after she told me this. In addition, (and this is the part where I started tearing up right there in the office) I am required to put my gym membership on hold for the time being. No exercise. It was a lot to take in, and she told me to just think about it- call her back in a few days once I decided whether or not I could handle the program. I came home, in total freak out mode, and just exploded at my mother. I told her there was absolutely no way I would take part in a treatment program that could be so unrelenting and so stringent. I cried, harder than I've cried in a really long time. The worst part was that she was just as upset to hear me so outraged and opposed to something I've been needing and waiting on for months.
Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist right afterward so I was able to work some of this out. I can agree, for the time being, TO TRY this program for maybe two weeks or so. The lady I spoke with today said its totally acceptable for patients to leave if they don't feel good about it. This is what I've agreed to, but it is with a very heavy heart.