Monday, February 22, 2010

Something Awful

Today was just about the worst day I've ever had in the history of my life. The rain didn't help.

I woke up this morning and made the hour long commute over to my intake interview. This outpatient program is finally ready to give me a spot. I talked with the lady in charge of the day program for about an hour- told her about the different ways I use food, diet, and exercise as coping mechanisms, and discussed the parts of my eating disorder I'm willing to work on (impulse control, bingeing, etc...) and the parts I'm not so ready to give up (my low-calorie diet, the gym...). What I was unaware of is that, unfortunately, this place is a cold turkey type of deal. She told me, in the nicest way possible of course, that there was no wiggle room with the meal plans. Breakfast, snack, and lunch are non-negotiable. I was silent for a minute or two after she told me this. In addition, (and this is the part where I started tearing up right there in the office) I am required to put my gym membership on hold for the time being. No exercise. It was a lot to take in, and she told me to just think about it- call her back in a few days once I decided whether or not I could handle the program. I came home, in total freak out mode, and just exploded at my mother. I told her there was absolutely no way I would take part in a treatment program that could be so unrelenting and so stringent. I cried, harder than I've cried in a really long time. The worst part was that she was just as upset to hear me so outraged and opposed to something I've been needing and waiting on for months.

Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist right afterward so I was able to work some of this out. I can agree, for the time being, TO TRY this program for maybe two weeks or so. The lady I spoke with today said its totally acceptable for patients to leave if they don't feel good about it. This is what I've agreed to, but it is with a very heavy heart.


  1. Yeah, there definitely is no wiggle room in those programs...and definitely no exercise!

    The big thing that you have to realize is that if you don't want to get better right now, and you don't want to try to fix this, then you'll be out of there after a day. I hope that's not the case though.

  2. I would not be at all surprised if I don't stay for very long. I guess it's better to try though than just assume it'll fail.

    What I don't get is that I'm at a normal weight so why wouldn't they let me exercise you know?? I guess they think it's like the same as letting a bulimic throw up...

  3. They don't let you do it because you are using it as a copeing mechanism. They want to teach you the right way's to deal with things. And your body will be ok if you give up exercise for a while. It's just a short break.

    Also let's face it you eat and then exercise enought to compensate for it. You do that right? That's why it's not so good.

    I am aking you to commit to it for 2 weeks. If you can do that you you will have given it a fair shot. Then if you decied that you need exercise more than recovery talk it over with them and see if they can help, maybe supervised exercise or something.

    Also, little tangent here at a lot of bloggers, just because your at a healthy weight doesn't mean that you don't have an eating disorder. Lot's of us out her are at normal or very close to normal weights and still have eating disorders. Just because we don't look ill doesn't me that we are not. I want you to have a full and happy life, I don't think you can when your this wrapped up with food and exercise. Please take the chance and try the program.