Sunday, February 7, 2010

Here goes.

As of a couple weeks ago, I have officially decided that my life is on hold. My name is Eliza. I am nineteen years old. I go to college in NY but recently it's been decided that I should take a semester off because something is happening to me only I don't know what.

I guess it started as a diet over the summer. It ALWAYS starts off with a diet. Anyways, I went back to school in the fall, and suddenly it was like my body was my most important project. I was taking psych, french, and theater for classes-- but after two weeks of being back it was my weight loss that I boasted the best results in. Whatever, it was months ago. I lost about fifteen pounds in seven weeks, gaining more and more motivation every time I stepped on the scale and watched the numbers drop. I've never been so good at anything in my whole life-- losing weight I mean. I'm terribly insecure. So much so that I avoid activities in general because I'm afraid to fail. But I wasn't failing with weight loss.

Anyways I'm home now. Home for second semester. The anorexia has sort of morphed into a new and worse type of eating disorder. At least twice a week I binge to the point where the skin on my stomach stretches painfully over my jeans, then I spend the next few days restricting calories and working off the extra shame at the gym. I have no idea what is happening, but I have never felt this out of control and I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore.

In about a week I'm starting an outpatient day treatment program. Don't know quite how I feel about it yet-- mom and dad are making me.

Questions? Advice? I'm listening.


  1. Hi, I'm here, wow, what a journey you've been on. A very scary one. Advice? I've got crap loads and crap loads. I'll totally help you as much as I can as I get to know you. You're not alone, far from it my friend.
    Stay in touch.

  2. Hey Eliza! Welcome to the blog world. I'm glad you're starting an outpatient program. I know of a good (free) program as well. I'll email you.

  3. Thanks guys! I love your comments. I'll definitely be needing them during the next few weeks...

  4. You'll be okay. It will be really hard (not that I have personal experience), but I can imagine it will be, but it will be worth it.

    Do you want to get better? That's the big question. It won't work unless you want it.

  5. lol my latest insane post should answer that question... it's complicated.