Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Crazy

First day back on meds. I feel better. Obviously its too soon to see any real change but I think the act is symbolic in a way. I'm on the road to recovery already.

If you want to know the truth... I don't really like the word recovery. It automatically makes me think of weight gain. WARNING: I'm about to start talking numbers. Just for the record, I am thin. About a month ago I was ten pounds thinner because of some extreme dieting, but I've been bingeing so much lately after I went off the meds. A health professional would say I'm at a healthy weight right now, but mentally I disagree. Being thin is fine. Who doesn't love thin? But being skinny is THE BEST. Maybe it's shallow and repulsive but I love being able to wear my size 2 jeans. I love waking up in the morning and counting my ribs. I love being small enough to be carried again! So in terms of recovery, I'm ready to confront the feelings and obsessions and compulsions behind the disorder, but only if I can stay at the lowest healthy weight possible. Does that seem reasonable??

1 comment:

  1. It makes complete sense. I feel the same exact way. I like being small and tiny and "cute" and stuff. I feel like I can be thrown around. I get it.