Sunday, May 30, 2010

Issues here and there

It's almost ten o' clock Sunday night. I'm exhausted but I can't fall asleep because every time I lie down I get so hot I want to take off my skin!!

Mom, dad and little Sis are off and away on a Quaker retreat in Maine this weekend. I was planning to go but I have a cumulative Anthropology test on Tuesday so if went I'd only end up studying the whole time anyways. I'm really anxious about it actually... I haven't taken a test since High School. I go to a college that places much more emphasis on class participation and super long analytical essays than tests. I HATE TESTS!

Today was a good day. I've been going SO FAR OFF my meal plan lately but today I managed to get back on track so I feel a lot more confident about the coming week.

I ordered a book on amazon called The Food and Feelings Workbook that my nutritionist recommended. I love getting things in the mail. It'll like a late b-day present! Only I'm paying for it... and it's ED related. So never mind it's not a present it's just recovery stuff.

I'M SO BORED. I shouldn't even be allowed to blog when I'm this bored because I have absolutely nothing new to share with the world.

Well I guess I have a weird thing I could put out there...

Today I went grocery shopping because I started thinking about different dinners I could do this week and I got really excited about squash. Anyways, I started doing this really weird thing that I totally used to do when I was in heavy restriction mode. Basically anytime I pick out a food item, I compare to the identical other ones surrounding it because I start thinking that if I don't choose the perfectly unbruised apple, or the perfectly uncrushed bag of pretzels, somehow it'll effect the number on the scale.

So how long does it take to pick out a squash? 30 seconds? It took 10 minutes. 3 minutes for the acorn squash and SEVEN minutes for the butternut. By the time I left the store I felt like my brain had melted a little bit. The weirdest part was that I felt like I'd engaged in a behavior even though I hadn't physically done anything to myself WITH food.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Today was a non-day

Today I woke up super early because I had a therapy appointment at 10 a.m. and I wanted to wash my hair before. Plus I didn't have a car so I had to leave enough time to get there by public transportation.

Afterwards I came home and studied because I didn't know what else to do, then after two hours of that I ate a sandwich and promptly fell asleep. When I woke up it was dinner time and I felt like I'd lost a day of my life.

Anyways, now I feel nauseous and my back is killing me.

I hid my scale in a really good spot. In my sister's play room there's this opening in the ceiling where an attic would be. It's gross and filled with that sketchy pink insulation but I covered my face with a towel and dragged the scale up with me. It's buried somewhere up there now so if I want to weigh myself it'll take way too much effort. I've decided to try and go a month without weighing myself. I really have no idea if I'll be able to do it but I figure it's been a while since I challenged the eating disorder so what the hell.

I'd also like to go a month without thinking about food in general... yeah right.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Birthday girl

Today is my birthday! I'm twenty! Two decades! One fifth of a century! In another ten years I'll be thirty! Jesus...

The day has been okay. My cousin was the only one who remembered to wish me happy birthday; everyone else needed a reminder and a jab in the ribs.

I think we're all going out to dinner tonight as a family then coming home for cake and presents. I decided that since it's my birthday I'm going to put aside all my issues with food just for tonight and not care about what goes in my mouth. Obviously I shouldn't get in the habit of ALWAYS allowing that sort of black and white thinking but you know what? May 26th only comes once a year so I think I'm entitled.

Also, I'm refusing to leave the house because its 95 degrees outside and I'm afraid of getting heat sickness.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The last night

I just got home from my very last night of IOP. I am now officially discharged from treatment and released back into the world. We had our traditional discharge rock ceremony- everyone wrote a word they think describes me or my recovery on this cute little stone and then I get to have and hold it forever. I love the words: Believe, motivation, fun, tenacity, shine, colorful, and my personal favorite, deserving.

I'm sad and a little scared. Sad because I'm saying goodbye to a group of women I never imagined existed. We're all so profoundly similar, and not just because of the eating disorder but because of all the other shit it has done to our lives. But I'm scared too. Scared because I know I'm far from being recovered. I still have behaviors. Less of them, but still. I'm still bingeing. I'm still restricting.

Remember I didn't even want to do treatment? My parents made me. I didn't want to recover. I get frustrated when people expect me to embrace a process I was forced into. I'm not on board with recovery yet. Maybe I'll want it more someday. It's devastating to say and I'm sorry if it's triggering but that's the truth. I learned A TON about my eating disorder. I really did. But even so I still want to carry it around with me like my own fuzzy security blanket. I still WANT to fall back on restriction when I feel lonely and confused, and I still look forward to my next binge episode.

Anyways. That's that. Somehow I wish my treatment had a happier ending like, I'm cured! People ask me that you know; neighbors, friends, cousins... they say, "Did it work?" As if I've been doing rounds of chemotherapy and just waiting for the doctor to tell me I'm all clear.

That is depressing, and it's okay. I'll be okay. I don't want this post to sound like I'm giving up or threatening to relapse into oblivion. I'm just being honest. That's what this blog is for. This is my life and I'm working on it.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

It's a little bit funny

So last night after dinner I cozied up on the couch to study and eat a blow pop when all of a sudden my cell phone rang. I hate it when my phone rings. Maybe it's just the ring tone (it's been set to the song London Calling by The Clash for almost two years) but for some reason whenever that little bastard starts blaring I freak out. I automatically assume one of the following: a) emergency- someone died b) forgot to do something or missed an appointment c) a friend wants to see me. Well last night it was c) and so I went out with my friend Sarah and we rented a movie. It sort of blew at first. I was really body conscious so I wore this super long toga-like sweatshirt that went down to my knees. I forgot how much I used to eat around Sarah in high school so when we got to her house she had already made me my own popcorn in a huge salad bowl. It was really sweet actually. She melted the butter herself and even put out parmesan cheese and m&m's to go with it. I felt insanely restrictive, which is not surprising because those urges are first and foremost lately, but sometimes you gotsta be polite and make your friends happy so I ate a respectable amount.

Here's the weird part... when I weighed myself at the gym today to see how much damage the popcorn had done, I was actually FIVE POUNDS lighter than the day before. Obviously this is a fluke. I mean it would be wonderful if I could lose five actual pounds in 24 hours but I'm pretty sure it's just water shifting around. Either that or someone snuck into my room last night and removed one of my internal organs...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

No title because titles are stupid and my life is giant pile of poop

Okay so just for the record, I DID end up eating dinner last night. As frusterating as it is feeling like a failure and fatty at the same time, I was able to throw some Trader Joe's taquitos in the oven and eat them with my brother.

My mom sat me down to talk about how worried she is about me. "Very, very, worried," is how she put it. Apparently my unwillingness to see friends and hang out with people is concering the family. Most of my friends are home for the summer but I've been avoiding and isolative. I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE. Why can't they just accept the fact that maybe I'm a hermit?

The truth is though... that I don't want my friends to see my weight and think I'm back to normal or whatever. Non-eating disordered people tend to get this wacky idea that just because you're maintaining a healthy weight you must be all better. This could not be more false. If anything you're worse because all the thoughts and obsessions are still there but you just can't get away with acting on them as easily.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I wish my life was simple and lovely and filled with small animals, and there would be no judgements or fighting or grades or meal plans.

Friday, May 21, 2010


I'm going to rant and bitch. My mother is being absolutely the most irritating person in the whole entire effing world. So I'm sitting on the couch upstairs, pouring over my notes on genetics because the whole concept makes no sense whatsoever, and then she goes, "Hey I never got to look at your evaluations from last semester." (At my school we get written assessments instead of grades). First of all, this is false. I read them to her while she was washing dishes four months ago. Okay, so maybe she wasn't paying the closest of attention. Anyways, I did awesomely in just about everything. My teachers called me names like dedicated, authentic, rigorous, and astute. My french teacher described my language skills as "almost flawless." However, towards the end of the semester I sort of threw in the towel on the final paper because I really just didn't give a shit. My eval talked about how the paper didn't go into enough depth and stuff.

Anyways, does anybody else have parents who ONLY FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE?! It bites. I can literally never win with these people. When I do well its like, "Well that's nice, that's what you're supposed to do." But when I don't do well they act like I hurt their feelings or something.

Dinner time. Not hungry in the slightest and I'm really depressed so I don't even care that I'm skipping.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Summer school

Last night I had my first Anthro class at Boston University. I'm taking a six week long Human Evolution course twice a week in the evenings. I'm super excited about it actually... we're going to cover genetics, primates, paleoanthropology, forensics, and human health and development as well. I'm a little nervous though because I don't really think of myself as a science person so I'm expecting the material to go way over my head.

Anyways, with all the stress and bad feelings about school last night, I was barely able to eat a full dinner during the twenty minute break we got around 7:00. I ate some peanut butter crackers from the vending machine, but that was about it. I starting looking around at all the other students and involuntarily racking up a list in my head of how many people are skinnier than I am, how many people who aren't. I felt terrible. It's the meanest thing ever. You know how when you feel self conscious and someone will tell you not to worry about it, that nobody is watching or looking at you as much as you think they are? Well, people try to tell me that all the time and I just can't believe them because it's what I do.

Tonight we have another exposure meal at program. We're ordering from this restaurant in Davis Square called Sound Bites. Should be fun. Not looking forward to gaining fifty pounds from all the pasta and pizza they'll make me eat but at least we're all in this together.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Thought this was interesting...

I love it when celebrities come out about their eating disorders. Makes me feel like less of a freak.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

F you, scale

Here's the thing about the scale: it sucks. I'm curious to know what the guy who invented it was thinking. You know what? Hang on. I'm gonna go see if I can find his name.

Holy hell! it was Leonardo Da Vinci in 1500.

Today I went to the gym and decided to weigh myself, knowing full well that I'm about to get my period and was completely water logged. A part of me was just hoping for a miracle I suppose. My day is always so much brighter when that little needle drops a notch or two... but today I was the SAME FREAKING WEIGHT as last week and I felt humiliated. There is no other word for it really.

I should feel good. I should feel great in fact. I haven't been bingeing or overly restrictive with food, and my exercise has been normal and healthy YET I feel like shit. I know it's just the eating disorder screaming at me for breaking our old rules, but it feels like I've done something wrong or I've let someone down.

Friday, May 14, 2010


I'm in one of those moods where I'm feeling down in the dumps but don't really want to do anything about it... have you ever felt this way? I'm gloomy for no reason and all I want to do is sulk in the gloom.

My parents are in Cooperstown, NY this weekend at some baseball function of my brothers so it's just me and my cousin in the house tonight. Little sister at a sleepover. So maybe it's the loneliness getting to me. Anyway, I managed to do a little grocery shopping, hit the gym, tidy up around the house, force down some dinner... but I'm still feeling all oogley. I sat out on my porch and read Tolstoy for 45 minutes, then came in and watched three depressing movies one right after the other- first Brokeback Mountain, then The Perfect Storm, and Stepmom. Why?

I haven't been watching Lost AT ALL recently so I might try and catch up on all the episodes I'm behind on.

My birthday is in twelve days. I'll be 20. I wonder if there will be cake...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

5 minutes later

Well that passed. I just really needed to poop.



My stomach is just killing me all of a sudden. Why? Why would I have a stomach ache? It was lunch time so I made melted some cheese on a flour tortilla, ate it within about ten minutes, and right afterwards the pain came on. It doesn't hurt when I press on it or anything... it just feels like I got punched really hard.

I just want it to go away so I can get on with my day. Stomach aches are the worst. I hope it's gone by the time I get to the gym.

Fuuccccccccckkkkkkk it hurts so badly there are no words. What should I do?? Of course by the time I get any feedback from you guys it'll probably be gone.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Just a bit helpless

Ever since I started this blog in February I've been debating whether or not I should make another one of my maladaptive coping mechanisms known to the world. Like the bingeing, I don't really like talking about it because it makes me feel self conscious and afraid of what people will think of me. It's only happened a couple times since I got home in December and I've managed to cover up most of the evidence with friendship bracelets and hair elastics.

I WANT to tell the people at program that it happened again but the thing is I'm scared because I signed a contract at the very beginning of treatment saying that I wouldn't harm myself in any way. If I tell them they'll overreact and put me in a higher level of care which is ridiculous because I'm not suicidal I'm just a person who was dealt a really shitty hand in life and I don't know how to manage my emotions.

I feel like I should make a joke right now. Lemme go find one.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”

Anyways, I don't really know what I should do. Watching Fargo again.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

City visit

NYC is freakin cold people!

I'm literally here for 24 hours. My cousin is graduating from Columbia and he invited me and my brother to come and join in the festivities. I like festivities. I like New York. And I have nothing better to do. I wish I had time to visit my friends at school though!!

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about going back to school next year and have come to a decision. As much as I like college itself, I don't think I can live on campus next year. Call me a coward or a crybaby but you know what? I get too homesick, too anxious, and way too diet obsessed. My mom's sister Auntie S. lives in Manhattan on the upper west side and she invited me to live with her in the apartment. It's a studio, and she has two enormous cats but oh well I love it and I love her. Home is where the heart is.

When I told my therapist the plan for next year she said, "I think you're avoiding a part of college life that makes you feel uncomfortable, and if you live off campus it's just another way to isolate yourself from everyone."

Then I said, "I know you are but what am I?" Not the most sophisticated comeback in my repertoire but she's a poopy head and it's all I had.

I was able to squeeze in an early morning run in Central Park today which was fun but HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS COOKIES I was freezing my spandex covered buns off. Since when did it get so frigid in the south?

Tomorrow I return to the land of overloaded meal plans and group therapy sessions comprised of me and the other girls throwing gum wrappers at each other from across the room. Insurance covered me for another two more weeks so I figured eh what the hell lets give them another fourteen days to try and cure me.

Friday, May 7, 2010

A few good things

It's days like these that make me want to be a better person. IT'S PERFECT OUTSIDE!! 60 degrees. I call that perfect.

Today is Friday. I decided to take on a babysitting gig this evening from 4-11 p.m. because I've been going to the gym a little too consistently in the past few weeks and I want to see if I can still take breaks every once in a while without losing my sanity. It's a challenge indeed. I might try running after lunch though. The thing about running is, and I KNOW this is eating disordered, but sometimes I feel like if I don't know how many calories I'm burning, I'm not burning any at all... it's weird. Like the proverbial tree in the woods... if a calorie is burned an no one is there to prove it did it really happen??

I'm starting an anthropology class in a week or two at Boston University. It's only two days a week in the evenings so I'm no too stressed about it. I kind of miss having actual WORK work to be honest. Recovery and school are different kinds of work. And I think I prefer the latter.

Right now I'm watching that scene in Pretty In Pink where Jon Cryer lip syncs to Try a Little Tenderness. It's.... genius. Youtube it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

New food lady

Yesterday I had my first ever meeting with an outpatient nutritionist. Well, I guess I had a one during my flare up in ninth grade... but I only saw her a few times and all she gave me was a list of foods I should snack on to gain weight- cubes of cheese, peanut butter, nuts... but whenever my mom gave me some to eat I'd just end up hiding them in bookshelves and stuff.

What is it with me and hiding things I don't want to eat or take? Like, why not throw them away or just put them in my mouth? I should see what that's all about.

Anyway, nutritionist lady, Marci, was really nice and I look forward to working with her. It was our first meeting so most of the session she was just getting my history about stuff. But she gave me some goals to work on for next week- like trying to work more grain snacks into my meal plan. I usually opt for a protein.. like yogurt or cottage cheese, but she said it might be a good idea to address my fear of eating goldfish and teddy grahms in portioned amounts. Then we talked some about intuitive eating and how to slowly work my way towards accepting that philosophy. The thing is, sometimes I don't think I'll ever be able to just KNOW when I should eat because I've got the ED shushing all my hunger cues. I feel HAPPY when I'm empty. I feel POWERFUL when I'm empty, I feel STRONGER. How do I switch that around??

Monday, May 3, 2010

Taco Night

Well tonight we had another exposure meal- tacos, in honor of Cinco de Mayo. Last time I checked that was still on May 5th though right??

Anyways the dinner was fine. We got to cook the meat and chop the tomatoes and avocados ourselves which was nice. Karen the nutritionist brought in margarita fixings, and me and this other girl Taylor were in charge of making them. We wound up not screwing the top of the blender on all the way so the limes and ice and stuff went flying all into our hair and face. I screamed, Karen was laughing out loud. She was like, "The lengths you guys will go to get out of drinking a caloric beverage..."

Blegh. I don't feel much like blogging tonight. I have all this energy and I don't really know what to do with it... running at night is dangerous supposedly so I won't do that.

I went to CVS after program this evening and bought a huge halloween sized bag of blow pops because they're awesome at staving off binge urges. They taste yummy, and they take like ten minutes to finish so by the time I'm done the urge is usually gone. Plus only 60 calories a pop. I'm so clever.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

It's gettin gross

I completely forgot to acknowledge the fact that it was May yesterday! MAY. Last week I was decorating gingerbread houses wasn't I?? Seriously- I must be getting old because time has no meaning anymore.

There was a leak on a major water pipe in Weston so the board of health is telling everyone not to drink the tap water because we'll all get e coli and mutate or something like that. I dunno, wasn't really paying attention. I did drink a shit load of water after the gym last night... but I think if I was going to get sick it would have happened by now, right?

Maybe I'll get diarrhea and lose 10 pounds.

It's supposed get up to like 90 degrees this afternoon. I hate that!!! I have such an aversion to warm weather... always have and I don't know why. First of all, my body temp runs a lot higher than other people's and I'm not kidding. When I was little my friends wouldn't invite me for sleep overs because I HAD to sleep in the nude otherwise I'd burn up like crazy. Sometimes I think it contributed to the anorexia in ninth grade... figured I was eating too much so I cut back on food intake to cool off.

Tomorrow we have a food exposure meal at Evening... tacos I believe. Kill me.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Here's the haps

I have absolutely nothing to write about. My life has become stagnant.

I can make a list of things that happened today though...

-I woke up at 6 a.m. because I was hungry so ate some cereal then went back to sleep for an hour

-For some reason I'd told my dad I would help him plant stuff so we spent like a fucking hour and a half in Mahoney's picking out
the best flowers and grass for the sunny side of our house

-Then we came home and dug holes in the ground so we could plant flowers that aren't actually going to bloom for another two months

-I felt hungry at noon but my thighs are enormous so for lunch so I had a greek yogurt and 5 almonds

-I went to the gym with my dad and did cardio for 35 minutes while watching The Prince and Me on tbs... stupid movie really but I'm a total sucker for movies where the girl gets a makeover and becomes a princess :)

-I sat on my front porch and switched off between reading Madame Bovary and Fast Food Nation (that book will make you NEVER want to eat again)

I think we're going out to eat for dinner...