Monday, May 10, 2010

Just a bit helpless

Ever since I started this blog in February I've been debating whether or not I should make another one of my maladaptive coping mechanisms known to the world. Like the bingeing, I don't really like talking about it because it makes me feel self conscious and afraid of what people will think of me. It's only happened a couple times since I got home in December and I've managed to cover up most of the evidence with friendship bracelets and hair elastics.

I WANT to tell the people at program that it happened again but the thing is I'm scared because I signed a contract at the very beginning of treatment saying that I wouldn't harm myself in any way. If I tell them they'll overreact and put me in a higher level of care which is ridiculous because I'm not suicidal I'm just a person who was dealt a really shitty hand in life and I don't know how to manage my emotions.

I feel like I should make a joke right now. Lemme go find one.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”

Anyways, I don't really know what I should do. Watching Fargo again.


  1. Sometimes honesty is so hard ... and the last thing in the world that we want to do is tell the truth. We fear people's reactions, we fear the "consequences" of putting a voice to it, and at least for me, I can continue to pretend that something is not an issue as long as I do not speak it.
    However, one thing I am learning is that we are only as sick as our secrets ... and after all the "fallout", it actually feels good to have told the truth. People cannot help us if they do not really know what is going on.
    I know it is going to be incredibly painful, but I think you should tell them. In the end, it will make you feel better (and keep in mind, I said "in the end").
    Just my two cents.

  2. I really hope you're able to tell the program staff the truth. I bet they'll surprise you by their reaction. And, when you tell them, also tell them your fears: that you'll be put in a higher level of care, etc.

  3. I hope you told them. Self harm is very dangerous. I might be over reacting but I want you to talk about it. Maybe if you talk about it, it will help and you will be ok. Oreo said you have to talk about! She's a cat she know's people.