Okay so just for the record, I DID end up eating dinner last night. As frusterating as it is feeling like a failure and fatty at the same time, I was able to throw some Trader Joe's taquitos in the oven and eat them with my brother.
My mom sat me down to talk about how worried she is about me. "Very, very, worried," is how she put it. Apparently my unwillingness to see friends and hang out with people is concering the family. Most of my friends are home for the summer but I've been avoiding and isolative. I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE. Why can't they just accept the fact that maybe I'm a hermit?
The truth is though... that I don't want my friends to see my weight and think I'm back to normal or whatever. Non-eating disordered people tend to get this wacky idea that just because you're maintaining a healthy weight you must be all better. This could not be more false. If anything you're worse because all the thoughts and obsessions are still there but you just can't get away with acting on them as easily.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I wish my life was simple and lovely and filled with small animals, and there would be no judgements or fighting or grades or meal plans.