Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Some face time with Ed

I can't really tell if I'm having allergy symptoms right now... everything seems to be fine except for my throat which stings when I swallow. Maybe I'll take some Benadryl in an hour or so. I would dearly love to sleep tonight.

I feeling like I haven't written enough about the eating disorder lately. I guess that's not bad though... must mean my thoughts are starting to branch out.

I've been following the meal plan more or less, and not measuring out every single exchange with a cup or a tablespoon. My mom saw me pouring cereal into a measuring cup last week and she said, "Are you supposed to do that?"

I was like, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "That seems like a behavior to me."

I didn't really know how to respond because technically yes, getting in the habit of feeling like you need the perfectly portioned bowl of cereal is a little EDed. So I just frowned and told her there were no more clean bowls and I was gonna eat out of a measuring cup instead. She believed me too. My mom is so funny that way.

I'm also pleasantly surprised by how low my gym urges have been. I was totally expecting to start going back to my super strict work out regimen once I finished IOP but I find myself being much more flexible. This week I only went to the gym twice! The other days I either did work outside or went jogging.

On the other hand (the other disgustingly ham sized hand), the body image has been crippling. I can't even shower with the lights on because I look down at my stomach rolls and I just want to cry. I've also stopped putting any effort whatsoever into my overall appearance and persona. Just for future reference, when I say that I've "stopped trying", it always means one or all of the following:

a) I've stopped wearing any of my own clothes and am now shrouded in my brother's baggy gym shorts and football jerseys

b) My hair is rarely brushed and always thrown up in a bun or a ratty ponytail

c) I'm wearing glasses again because contacts look better on my face when it's thin

d) If I'm out running or walking I will hide behind trees when I see people I know coming near b/c I don't want to be seen

e) Oh yeah I don't even bother with mascara either

f) Sleeping on the couch every night because I don't feel thin enough for my bed (huh?)

Lots of other stuff too. Those are just main ones. Also I wanted to give you guys an image of me to hold in your minds whenever you think you are hitting rock bottom. It will make you feel tons better.

BUT OH on the bright side I'm really not bingeing which is great. I'm also only weighing myself once a week and that's great too!

Wooooof this was a long post!! One more thing I wanted to add... I'm not really one of those people who refers to their eating disorder by the name of "Ed." I just thought the title was appropriate. My eating disorder would not have a human name. It would be something monstrous like Gryndelwulten or Ogfurt.

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