Thursday, June 10, 2010

A tad nuts

I feel like garbage- poopy garbage. I'm looking at the binge criteria I made yesterday and how much of it fits right now... there's the shitty mood, the rainy weather, the fact that I binged yesterday, worked out this morning, and (YIKES) weighed myself at the gym. That was dumb. Who in their right mind would weigh themselves right after eating a ton of food? Even my nutritionist says the number won't be accurate because you're probably retaining lots of salt and water. Anyways, it's a little like the perfect storm right now. I'm not feeling crazy urgey at the moment but I feel like I might later on.

Oh god and Heather just left to go buy a suit for her job interview so now I'm home completely alone.

I'm anxious about class this evening because last night I had a terrible dream that I didn't read my textbook chapter closely enough and I was completely unable to take the quiz and then my professor was like... "Well I guess I can drop your lowest quiz grade at the end of the semester..." Then I started crying because so far the lowest score I'd gotten was an 86 and I wanted THAT one to be the one that got dropped. It was all very real and now I'm having trouble separating it from real life and imaginationland.

Also my Aunt Sarah (the one who I'm probs going to live with in NY next year) is coming to visit tomorrow and as much as I love her I hate seeing people I haven't seen in a while because I always assume I'm heavier than the last time they saw me.

Man I'm really insane today it's killing me. What kills me even more though is that I know I could numb out all the bad feelings with a big batch of homemade cookie dough. HOWEVER, that will only be a quick fix and the uneasiness and anxiety will always return.


  1. You can see the sign's leading to the binge so fight them. Start by eating a sensable meal and snack. Worry about school, that's ok to worry about it. Just remember that you are doing great so far and your going to continue to do so. Keep on fighting and don't worry people are not going to be judging you by your size but by the person that is inside.