Friday, November 19, 2010

Bite me, world

My eating disorder has been such an asshole to me today. And I haven't even done anything wrong or engaged in any behaviors! From the moment I woke up I felt like a piece of rotten poop on a stick- too fat, too ugly, college drop-out, no friends, no future, roar roar roar.

I just finished dinner. Made another amazing squash dish with fontina cheese and bread crumbs for the family, and then as a special treat I brought home some frozen yogurt and ice cream from Angora so everyone could have a yummy dessert. I just love feeding people! Anyways, I had like three helpings of dinner food, and then a banana frozen yogurt. Because it wasn't a binge and it wasn't exactly a small meal either, I feel really awful. You know that feeling? I didn't binge so I don't have that lovely high you get from bingeing but at the same time I didn't restrict so I feel guilty for feeling full. I HATE THIS! Please help me you guys. Please tell me everything is going to be okay and I won't be tortured forever. I mean, it's one thing to use behaviors and feel awful about giving into the urges but I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. Why won't these horrible feelings leave me alone?

I guess I'm also a little upset because I was reading this article today that said there's a 50% chance that a female child will develop an eating disorder after puberty if the parent had an eating disorder once too. What the fuck? I realize I'm not thinking about kids yet obviously but it's pretty depressing to think I might sentence another human being to a life of THIS.

I really wish I could purge.

That's not true. I'm sorry I said that. Purging is a devastating addiction and I know on some level I must be thankful that I can't do it. I'm just feeling so self-destructive right now.


  1. Yeah, it's all pretty depressing, isn't it?! You'll get through it. Keep on trucking.