Monday, January 31, 2011

I miss Marci

Dr. Gordon seemed kind of off today. She seemed tired. She didn't seem to be listening to me all that much. Has this ever happened with any of your therapists? In fact, I could have sworn at a few points she was actually nodding off... either that or she just blinks really slowly. Anyway, I felt jipped when I left the appointment. I mean, my parents pay like two hundred dollars per session out of pocket and I only see her every two weeks. What the hell?

Tomorrow I see Marci, which is good because I've been falling off the wagon today and yesterday. Seeing Marci is a lot like taking Ritalin. You feel empowered and positive for the first three hours after taking it, then it wears off and you forget what it's like to feel happy so you need another Ritalin. I'm not a drug addict. But you see how this makes sense though, right? After I see Marci I'm good for like five days. In fact, usually after I see Marci I forget I have an eating disorder at all because she's given me all these pearls of wisdom and awesome meal plan tips so I'm like hoooray! I'll never binge again! Ugh, I hate that. Maybe I should start seeing her twice a week. Although that seems like a bit too often to see one's nutritionist.

I miss riding. If it weren't so freaking cold I'd make a little Saturday trek out to Massachusetts no-man's next weekend and spend some quality time with the horses.

I'm bored. Just generally bored. I wish it was fall and I could be back in New York.

Hey you know what I think I'm gonna start doing? At the end of every week I'll report any and all ED behaviors I engaged in- as sort of a tracking system of how my recovery is going. Does this sound like a good idea? Of course I might start getting caught up in technicalities of what constitutes a binge and what counts as restriction so I'll just define them now. Bingeing will mean eating past fullness in an out of control manner, and restriction will mean the voluntary withholding of exchanges despite feeling hungry or knowing that my body needs it. So when I say I binged twice this week that means two separate binge episodes, and when I say I restricted twice this week that means I followed my meal plan except for two exchanges (i.e. maybe I skipped a snack on Monday and a protein at dinner on Tuesday). Hey, not bad.



  1. Maybe you should see her twice a week. Talk to her about that.

  2. I define the binging to be an out of control feeling while I'm eating. Sometimes I stop before I'm over full but it was still a binge in my mind. Talk to the shrink about that and find out. Or maybe add a catagory. I don't know what happened to blogger, it lost you, I have not seen updates from you for a long time. Glad to see them again.

  3. I know! Who is this? David? It says anonymous... hmm... glad you're reading again!

  4. I know what it's like to have that "high" after seeing your nutritionist. You're like, yea! I can beat this! And then a few days later you completely forget about that motivation you once had. Sucks.
    Anyway, I think the counting of bingeing/restricting will be a good thing! It should keep you in check and help you to realize the unhealthy behaviors. Then maybe you can notice patterns and work on it in the future.
    Also that sucks that Dr. Gordon was no good to you this week. Maybe you should stop seeing him and perhaps see someone else?
    From what I read you don't seem to be too fond of him, and you are paying him an awful lot of money considering you don't think he does much..
    Just a thought!
    <3 Haley