Dr. Gordon seemed kind of off today. She seemed tired. She didn't seem to be listening to me all that much. Has this ever happened with any of your therapists? In fact, I could have sworn at a few points she was actually nodding off... either that or she just blinks really slowly. Anyway, I felt jipped when I left the appointment. I mean, my parents pay like two hundred dollars per session out of pocket and I only see her every two weeks. What the hell?
Tomorrow I see Marci, which is good because I've been falling off the wagon today and yesterday. Seeing Marci is a lot like taking Ritalin. You feel empowered and positive for the first three hours after taking it, then it wears off and you forget what it's like to feel happy so you need another Ritalin. I'm not a drug addict. But you see how this makes sense though, right? After I see Marci I'm good for like five days. In fact, usually after I see Marci I forget I have an eating disorder at all because she's given me all these pearls of wisdom and awesome meal plan tips so I'm like hoooray! I'll never binge again! Ugh, I hate that. Maybe I should start seeing her twice a week. Although that seems like a bit too often to see one's nutritionist.
I miss riding. If it weren't so freaking cold I'd make a little Saturday trek out to Massachusetts no-man's next weekend and spend some quality time with the horses.
I'm bored. Just generally bored. I wish it was fall and I could be back in New York.
Hey you know what I think I'm gonna start doing? At the end of every week I'll report any and all ED behaviors I engaged in- as sort of a tracking system of how my recovery is going. Does this sound like a good idea? Of course I might start getting caught up in technicalities of what constitutes a binge and what counts as restriction so I'll just define them now. Bingeing will mean eating past fullness in an out of control manner, and restriction will mean the voluntary withholding of exchanges despite feeling hungry or knowing that my body needs it. So when I say I binged twice this week that means two separate binge episodes, and when I say I restricted twice this week that means I followed my meal plan except for two exchanges (i.e. maybe I skipped a snack on Monday and a protein at dinner on Tuesday). Hey, not bad.
THIS WEEK'S BINGE COUNT: 2
THIS WEEK'S RESTRICTION COUNT: 2