I just signed up for Weight Watcher's online weight loss program. I must be absolutely out of my mind. Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to do it. There I was, sitting on my living room couch, watching The Wedding Singer on TNT when a commercial for WW came on and Jennifer Hudson was there, dancing around all toned and fit singing this song and talking about how much better she feels now that she has lost weight. So just out of innocent curiosity I went online and saw that you can sign up to lose weight online for only $53.00 for three months! So, being bored and also kind of intrigued by the whole idea of using a website to help you lose weight, I signed up! And ooohhhmmmmygoooood you guys would flip a ginormous shit if you could see how this works. You've got your own personal weight tracker that GRAPHS the amount of pounds lost per month, and then the percent target as well. THEN, there's this system where you log your food intake and it converts that amount of food into points. You see, you only have a certain number of points a day and you're supposed to stick within those points. My number of points per day is 29. But get this- you get a weekly ALLOWANCE number of extra points that you can use for treats and stuff. How nice of them is that?! I must say, despite my general stance of abhorring the weight loss industry and all they represent... this could work. I still get to eat ice cream! Plus if you exercise you can enter in the amount of time and how hard the workout was and then you can get extra points to make up for it!!!!! EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. AND OH OH OH did I mention they have this thing that tells you how many points are in a serving of the food you're eating?! So I could type in Nutella and it would give me.... hang on, lemme check real quick... SON OF A BITCH. 6 points for TWO tablespoons of Nutella?! Well smack me sideways. No wonder I'm this huge. Actually, I'm surprised I'm not heavier now that I'm learning how many points all the shit I eat has.
This is bad. Marci is going to kill me. She is literally going to drag me outside of her office, into the street, put a gun to my head, and then blow my brains out. She'll say, "What?! You did WHAT?!"
Then I'll say, "But Marci, I need to lose thirty pounds."
Then she'll say, "I don't care if you need to lose thirty pounds. I don't care if you need to lose a hundred pounds. I don't care if you are the fattest woman on earth and you need a crane to lift you out of bed, you cannot lose weight until you've recovered from your binge eating disorder." That's what bugs me about Marci. She's a nutritionist and she won't help me lose weight even though I've told her I can do it healthfully. So I guess I'll just have to content myself with not telling her all. It'll just be my little secret. Plus, I can't just not do it now. I already paid! It would be a waste not to at least try it. Worse than a waste, it would be rude to Weight Watchers.