Sunday, January 30, 2011

I have to go to the bathroom but I'm the only working in the store...

Does anybody else have a problem with Sundays? I find them mean and spiteful. I'm also angry because I have uterus cramps and I'm semi-bingeing at the moment, at work. I say semi-bingeing because it hasn't really turned in to a full blown, pants-popping binge. In fact, this second frozen yogurt really isn't cutting it for me. The novelty of how good the first one tasted has worn off, and now all I can think about is how I would really rather not be succumbing to the eating disorder. I guess I'll just back out of the behavior now, at least while I'm ahead. After all, I've gone this whole week without bingeing... why ruin it tonight?

My dad is smoking again and I know I'm not being paranoid. Even Jake admitted yesterday while we were driving back from the drug store that I was probably right. We both acknowledged the cigarette stench on his steering wheel, the all-too potent pine tree car freshener hanging from his rear view mirror, and the Altoid tins EVERYWHERE. Plus he never lets us drive his car without surreptitiously running out first and getting rid of the evidence. It makes me want to cry really. I said this to Jake and he just sort of shrugged passively aggressively. "Honestly, I've stopped letting myself care. He's an adult and he can do whatever he wants." I suppose he's right, but I can't just stop letting myself care. How can my father be doing this to himself? He's in his early fifties, he has sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and longevity does not run in the family I'm afraid to say. As someone who also uses maladaptive coping strategies though, what I'm more concerned about are the cognitive roots behind the smoking. Is he stressed at work? Is it money? Is he having problems with my mom? Is it something I did? I'm sure I must be somehow to blame.

It's almost February!! I have so many goals for next month. I'll share them later... maybe on Tuesday since it'll be the first day of February.


  1. I completely understand how you feel about your father. I feel the same way towards someone very close to me who is doing something I find despicable. I told a very good friend and he told me not to care about it, that it wasn't my business. But I can't NOT care so it's super hard for me to deal with it. I really don't have a solution for you, but I can tell you that it's true, your father is a grown man and he makes his own decisions, and it most likely has nothing to do with you or your family, but everything to do with him... and we can't always expect people to do what's best for them. *shrug*

  2. Sunday catches it bad because everyone knows what next is Monday morning.

  3. People probably think the same thing about me and the bingeing actually... oh that Eliza, we wish she would straighten out and eat normally, but she's an adult and she can do what she wants.