Monday, January 10, 2011

I guess that's why they call it the blues?

Well it's the last Monday that Sarah and Amy will be home for winter break before they both have to go back to college, so tonight is our last Bachelor and pizza night :( It's sad in a way... despite not wanting to be social or around people very much I was sort of starting to enjoy our standing get together each week. I mean, all we do is sit in front of the t.v., drink beer and eat pizza so how can you go wrong, right? I'm just in a sort of weird and uneasy place right now because I've been getting so terribly off track with eating well and being healthy so I doubt I'll be able to go without bingeing tonight. When did it become so difficult again? I mean, I've struggled before and I've had bouts of bad behaviors in the past but recently it's like I can't even summon the strength to have ONE GOOD DAY. It's not a completely miserable state of affairs though, even though I have been bingeing frequently, it's not like they've been off the chart binges, and I've been running around the neighborhood or walking to work almost every day so at least I've been exercising. And if I have gained weight it can't have been that much. I just miss that sense of control and happiness that the recovery process offered. I guess I'm just feeling depressed is all. I should try doing some thought journaling before the girls come tonight and try to make myself feel better but I just can't be bothered I'm too depressed. I don't even think food would cheer me up at this point. Man, I'm depressed right now. I can't remember a time when I felt more depressed. I think I'm going to try smoking a cigarette or something because like I said I can't imagine food could bring me out of this funk. Yes I think that's what I'll do.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Marci in the morning. I didn't see her last week because I woke up feeling awful and guilty for having binged the day before and I didn't feel like dragging my ass all the way out to Cambridge to make our appointment, so I called and told her I was sick. She e-mailed me back, not angry or anything, said she hoped I felt better soon, but that she did need to enforce the 24 hour notification policy for cancellations. So now I have to pay something like $95 for the missed appointment. I'm kind of pissed actually. I mean, I know she can't bill insurance when I don't show up, but jeez. Couldn't she just lie to Harvard Pilgrim and say I came anyways? It would save me the trouble and the money. I haven't decided whether to hold it against her yet.

My finger is feeling better. I have almost full mobility of it and last night I went back to work and I got so many sympathy tips! The owner, Selim, joked that I should keep the splint even after the stitches come out. He was like, "Maybe you should even get an eyepatch!"

Well I guess blogging about my plight and listening to Elton John has made me a feel a little bit better. Maybe I won't binge tonight.


  1. I hope that you DON'T binge. Just remember that food is not your enemy or your best friend. It's just there. It's there to keep us fueled. We shouldn't worry so much over it. Your life shouldn't be run with thoughts of whether or not you are going to binge or restrict that day. You are TOO GOOD for that!
    P.s. that sucks that you have to pay for the missed appt. :/
    But good news about your finger and the tips! ha
    I'm also sorry that your friends are leaving, but you'll just have to replace their loss with some other productive thing to do on Monday nights :)
    Have a great night Eliza!

  2. I'd be pissed too. I'm glad charro doesn't have a 24 hr policy. I don't know why they can't lie. I would. Why do they have to be so ethical?

  3. I hope you haven't binged tonight. I"m glad that this blogging have made things a bit easier. Stay with it. I'm sorry about friends leaving. I was left alone for winter break when all my friends that are still in school...well, went home.

    You can get through this.


  4. Oh you guys, you're all too good to me. THANK YOU PTC for taking my side on the whole missed appointment thing. I was feeling guilty for canceling so late but surely I don't deserve to pay for session I didn't even go to!!!

    P.S. When I went to the store to buy food for the girls tonight I was thinking about bingeing but decided NOT TO so I only bought a few things for us to eat... not all the ice cream and cookie dough I was planning on getting. Anyways, by the time I got home and had finished dinner, my willpower was totally gone and I binged after all :(