Well it's the last Monday that Sarah and Amy will be home for winter break before they both have to go back to college, so tonight is our last Bachelor and pizza night :( It's sad in a way... despite not wanting to be social or around people very much I was sort of starting to enjoy our standing get together each week. I mean, all we do is sit in front of the t.v., drink beer and eat pizza so how can you go wrong, right? I'm just in a sort of weird and uneasy place right now because I've been getting so terribly off track with eating well and being healthy so I doubt I'll be able to go without bingeing tonight. When did it become so difficult again? I mean, I've struggled before and I've had bouts of bad behaviors in the past but recently it's like I can't even summon the strength to have ONE GOOD DAY. It's not a completely miserable state of affairs though, even though I have been bingeing frequently, it's not like they've been off the chart binges, and I've been running around the neighborhood or walking to work almost every day so at least I've been exercising. And if I have gained weight it can't have been that much. I just miss that sense of control and happiness that the recovery process offered. I guess I'm just feeling depressed is all. I should try doing some thought journaling before the girls come tonight and try to make myself feel better but I just can't be bothered I'm too depressed. I don't even think food would cheer me up at this point. Man, I'm depressed right now. I can't remember a time when I felt more depressed. I think I'm going to try smoking a cigarette or something because like I said I can't imagine food could bring me out of this funk. Yes I think that's what I'll do.
Tomorrow I'm seeing Marci in the morning. I didn't see her last week because I woke up feeling awful and guilty for having binged the day before and I didn't feel like dragging my ass all the way out to Cambridge to make our appointment, so I called and told her I was sick. She e-mailed me back, not angry or anything, said she hoped I felt better soon, but that she did need to enforce the 24 hour notification policy for cancellations. So now I have to pay something like $95 for the missed appointment. I'm kind of pissed actually. I mean, I know she can't bill insurance when I don't show up, but jeez. Couldn't she just lie to Harvard Pilgrim and say I came anyways? It would save me the trouble and the money. I haven't decided whether to hold it against her yet.
My finger is feeling better. I have almost full mobility of it and last night I went back to work and I got so many sympathy tips! The owner, Selim, joked that I should keep the splint even after the stitches come out. He was like, "Maybe you should even get an eyepatch!"
Well I guess blogging about my plight and listening to Elton John has made me a feel a little bit better. Maybe I won't binge tonight.