Friday, January 14, 2011

Also I'm having severe heartburn

I'm hungry. I know I've eaten enough and everything, it's just because my body is freaking out from not having a binge today so I'm just going to have to wait for my metabolism to readjust. Poor body. Poor body of Eliza's. Every once in a while I remember that besides making me fat, bingeing is also just an all around unhealthy habit. All the sugar makes it harder to sleep, gives me diarrhea, bloating, cramps, headaches, and a sore mouth. Wow. Bingeing and eating habits are pretty much the only thing I ever talk about on this blog anymore. Remember when I used to at least have the day program treatment and classes at BU to entertain thoughts about?

I woke up at noon today and since I didn't have to work or anything I basically just sat in front the t.v. all day long. I also wrote some letters to my friends and my aunt Sarah, but that was done while watching Grey's Anatomy so I guess it still counts as lolling about. I figure I deserved a day to be entirely non-productive since I had to close the store by myself last night (this includes sweeping, mopping, cleaning all the machines, washing all the dishes and tubs.. etc), and then had to walk the mile home at almost midnight in the bitter cold.

I don't have all that much to write about because I'm not feeling much in the mood to write. I feel like doom. I was about to say I feel depressed but that doesn't quite describe the range of thoughts and feelings I'm having right now. I feel like things are just doomed in every way possible- not just things related to me. I feel like the world is doomed to eternal misery but I don't know why... it's weird. Like nothing good can or will ever happen again to anyone. People in love right now won't love each other tomorrow, mothers will abandon their children in the streets in the snow, stray dogs will be kicked around the underbelly by disgruntled men from the pound, innocent people will have terrible dreams tonight about dying, and then in the morning it will start all over again.

Maybe if I allow this gloom to really overtake me I'll never want to binge again. Wouldn't that be nice? Of course I'd be miserable all the time but at least I wouldn't feel so uncomfortably full of food.


  1. Eliza, you need to eat until you are full! If you've had a good amount of water for the day, then you should be able to keep eating. I don't want you undereating on me! :)
    Anyway, hopefully your negative mood will pass. I know it's gonna take a while for your body to adjust, but just try to focus on getting in all of the food groups, and you will be fine!
    Don't focus so much on the negative. You're doing great!
    <3 Haley

  2. Spank you very much ladies! Tomorrow I'm closing the store and I'm going to TRY and make it my first work day without bingeing.