Saturday, December 11, 2010

What a mess

Why do things always have to be out of my control? Why can't I just control everything and everyone and everything that everyone does and everything that everyone will ever do? Is that so much to ask? I'm reliable. I think I could be trusted with absolute power.

Heather is coming over this evening for dinner and possibly the night. Cousin Heather. Remember Heather? She lived here for a year, half of the time I was away at college and the other half I was here sharing my room with her. I love Heather and she's totally the best cousin ever but she is so triggering in like every single way. She's so triggering that she hasn't even gotten here yet and already I've eaten two take home pints of frozen yogurt from Angora. Hey, at least it wasn't ice cream.

Basically I always want to binge around her because she provokes anxiety and bad thoughts that I cannot handle. Last year, when I was anorexic, I was skinnier than she was. Heather has never even come close to being overweight, but she was really depressed by the fact that even though I'm four inches taller than her, I was also ten pounds lighter. Slowly but surely, she started losing weight on that ridiculous paleolithic diet everyone is going nuts about, and I started gaining weight because, well, lets face it- food tastes good and I discovered that bingeing was better at solving my problems than restriction was. Anywho, long story short: She is super skinny now and I am super fat.

Can you guys do that thing where you post encouraging comments and pro-recovery sentiments for me? I could really use it. My parents are really pissing me off as well. My whole family has fallen into this horrible pattern of not putting any effort whatsover into keeping the house clean, so we just let it become a toxic waste pit for a couple weeks and then whenever company comes over we clean and it's really stressful because there is so much cleaning to do... In fact, at this very moment my dad is pestering me in this really passive agressive way to pick up all the clothes and trash that have flooded the upstairs living room.


  1. oh babe, I'm sorry. Know "this too shall pass" You've got our encouragement. If you want to text/call me, just email me your phone number,

    I'm here for you. Know these things are temporary. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. You've made it this far, think about all you've been through and all the shit that you've beat. YOU CAN DO THIS BABE!! I believe in you.


  2. Aaaaw man it sucks that you feel that way ! One thing you have to remember is not to compare yourself to Heather because YOU want to be happy and healthy and NOT anorexic or a woman controlled by an eating disorder. Remember what your goals are; they are NOT dependent on other people. It doesn't matter if Heather is smaller, what matters is that YOU are healthy.

    One thing I've realized, and I talked about it in my blog, is that we aren't as happy as we appear to be. It is also the case with Heather. Perhaps remembering that she's a human being who has issues just like you have your issues might help you in not comparing yourself to her (or anyone else). I know, easier said than done, but it's only the reality of things.

    And about your parents pissing you off... hum, parents do that a lot --- piss off their children :-) --- Breathe. Talk to them about the issue, then clean. Perhaps you could put together a cleaning chart ? Later, you could find ways to work as a family to keep the house clean.

    Don't let the stress of life get to you. You've been doing well and Heather shouldn't come mess it up.


  3. Thank you. At least it's over now and she's gone. I know that sounds horrible. I do love her but it's just really hard to be around her sometimes. And Elle you are totally right. Heather is having a ton of her own issues right now.