Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Rotten mood. Oh I'm also changing the name of my blog again

I was feeling really shitty and kind of pathetic all day today and I couldn't really figure out why. I mean, besides the obvious reasons- I've been non stop holiday bingeing for the past week and half, Christmas is over, haven't been taking my meds, Aunt Sarah went back to NYC this morning blah blah blah. A couple hours ago I sort of felt like running outside for a bit, because lately that's been a great way for me to lift my spirits. It makes me feel strong and accomplished. But after a bunch of binge days I always have this thought that I don't deserve exercise. I think to myself, "Exercise is for healthy people who want to take care of themselves and I am clearly not healthy. I am a fat pig who should just hole myself up for another month or so until I can get my act back together. Then I can go running." Plus I guess I also feel like it's cheating recovery somehow... my nutritionist used to tell me that I should really only add exercise back into my life once I've stopped bingeing. Otherwise it's just a purging method. I guess I see where she's coming from. But really, with the amount of weight I need to lose, and all the pie and ice cream I've been guzzling, how much difference is one half hour run going to make?

I wonder if Dr. Gordon will respond to the letter I e-mailed her. It was her idea actually for me to check in with her before we meet next week. She said she may or may not respond but either way she said she'd read it so that's nice to know.

I guess I'll get dressed for my run. What the fuck do I care if it's not appropriate to go running after so much bingeing? I've given up on weight loss anyways so all this run serves to do is improve my mood and I don't see that there is anything wrong with that.

P.S. I'm going to change the name of my blog again. Haha sorry if all the changing around is confusing, I just feel like I need a superb title that sums up all the aspects of my life in one neat little bundled up phrase. So here's what I'm planning the new title to be: Normal is Just a Setting on the Washing Machine

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