Sunday, December 12, 2010

So depressed right now

Well yesterday is over and done with and that's a relief. Heather spent the night and came to Quaker Meeting with us this morning but she left straight from Cambridge to go home afterwards and now I have a couple hours to collect myself before pulling an evening shift at Angora. I don't feel like working tonight.

Anyways, last night put me in a depressed and obsessive mood. HEATHER HAS GOTTEN SO FUCKING THIN. She's even skinnier than the last time I saw her so I not only felt enormous but I looked enormous too. Looking enormous is even worse than feeling enormous because you can feel enormous without being enormous but I AM ENORMOUS. All through dinner and watching Christmas movies I wanted so badly to just ask her what was going on and how she was feeling but we didn't actually get to talking until around 11:30 when we started getting ready for bed. I forget how the weight thing came up... I know I didn't blatantly point out to her that she had lost a ton of weight because months and months of therapy and eating disorder treatment has taught me to NEVER COMMENT ON PEOPLE'S WEIGHT. She mentioned something about having obsessive thoughts and lots of anxiety... not being able to sleep... being too busy to eat regular meals. She said she doesn't feel good and then I said, "Yeah, you've looked healthier. Still pretty though!" And then she was like, "Yeah I know I know I've lost too much weight. My doctor sort of warned me about that." Luckily it doesn't sound too eating disordered. Granted, I'm not a clinician, but I've known Heather for a while and even though she's struggled with feeling fat and going on diets, she does not use or think about food nearly enough to have a problem with it. I do however think she needs help, because the panic and anxiety is keeping her from eating and sleeping.

So we talked for a good long while about our issues. Not to sound like I'm minimizing her plight, but I'd trade problems with her in a second. I'd SO much rather have panic attacks and obsessions that keep me from eating than continue living as I am right now- with gigantic thighs, a pot belly, and a sugar addiction.

I e-mailed the registrar at my school back in New York because I just realized the other day that I have no idea what my college GPA even is. I still haven't heard back from him though.


  1. Whenever I end up talking about my ED with people I haven't seen in a while that I know have EDs and they've become so thin that it's hugely triggering for me- i freeze up and I hate myself. Hang in there- realize you're beautiful and you don't want to end up back in a malnourished obsessive about food state. You've come far, you don't want to give it all up to be unhealthy.

    I understand though. Just hang in there. I'm here for you. We all are. Love yourself babe. you deserve it.


  2. Yeah it's tough. I want to be compassionate but at the same time I want her to get out of my sight because I can't stop comparing myself to her! You're right though. I've put in too much effort and hard work to give it all up for something so unhealthy.

  3. I'm glad you guys talked. I wish I had something better to say but my brain isn't functioning.

  4. Lol thanks for commenting anyways :)