Saturday, December 4, 2010

Are you there God it's me, Failure

It's times like these when I wish I knew how to call upon the lord to give me something in the way of spiritual guidance. Whenever times get tough and I don't know what skills to use or what meal plan to follow or who to talk to I often wonder if I should put my faith in... well, faith I guess. The problem is, despite being raised (albeit rather liberally) in the Quaker tradition, I've always subscribed to the idea that life is what WE make of it and that giving some all-powerful entity the credit for the ups and downs of life is just not in keeping with the natural world. But I'm really struggling right now and it is ever so tempting to pray. Tomorrow I have to go to meeting for worship anyway to talk to the kids about the Christmas pageant... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to take just a little bit of of time to ask for some help from the divine. I'll feel like a hypocrite though. Or like the popular girl's best friend who stops being friends with her once she finds out the popular girl is pregnant and no longer popular. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head.

Anyways, in case you didn't pick up on the overall tone of this post so far, I'm on my second binge day and I feel like shit. I'm currently doing my overnight babysitting stint for the McHorrible family but the kids have been asleep for a couple hours and I haven't really been able to do the same. I sort of feel like it's because I haven't been taking my meds very consistently for the past couple of weeks. I didn't go off of them intentionally. I think it's just that sometimes, after a good long chunk of time with no behaviors, I start "forgetting" that I need medication and then I just stop taking them. Now I feel rotten in every single way imaginable. Which brings me back to God. Can God help me? If there is a God surely he/she/it would give me some relief from this torture.

Doesn't God play a pretty big role in the Alcoholics Anonymous steps? Why is that? Why can't eating disorders have a twelve step program? Answer me that, please.


  1. I don't have all the answers for you, but what I can say is that, if you feel like praying, do so. It won't you or anyone around. Never hurts to let things out that way.

    And don't forget to take your meds.

    Take care and I hope you feel good by now.


  2. Stop "forgetting" the meds!

    And remember that God forgives all and is always there. You can always ask for help and your not going to supprise Him.

    Stop babysitting for those people!

  3. Thanks so much you guys. Luckily I'm not taking on any new gigs with that family, so already I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.