I should not be blogging at work I should not be doing this but aaaah oh my god I'm so bored and I need to talk about stuff. The other day Tulan said we were having issues with the work computer and said it might be because of employees going on the internet. Even though I shouldn't really be doing personal stuff during working hours I highly doubt that going online is the cause of our system issues. Tulan is on the internet ALL THE FREAKING TIME checking her facebook and e-mail or whatever. I think she's just trying to be scary. It's kind of working though so I should really get off soon.
Good meeting with Marci yesterday. We did a behavior chain of one of my binge episodes from over the weekend and that helped a lot. Do you guys know what a behavior chain is? THEY ARE GENIUS. Basically, you write a step by step account of everything you did, thought, and felt leading up to behavior. And I mean everything. Here's one of mine: Woke up and thought about sleeping some more so I slept. Woke up an hour later and had breakfast on the floor of my room while checking e-mail and such. Studied for an hour and a half then watched tv. Felt hungry but ignored it. At 10:30 I was still hungry so I decided to have a snack but I hadn't planned what to eat. Went downstairs and picked up a box of Triscuits. Started eating Triscuits out of the box and thought that it was weird that I was doing that. It felt binge-like. I stopped and told myself it was too big of a snack so I could just consider it an early lunch. Went back upstairs and got a phone call from Mrs. McHorrible about babysitting. She mentioned something about making sure her daughters ate the light ice cream for dessert because she didn't want them to gain "holiday weight." This comment made me feel depressed beyond belief and I couldn't stop thinking about it. In order to get the thought out of my head I went downstairs again and all out binged.
After you write out the sequence of events you go back and find the spots where you could have altered your thinking or made a different choice. For instance, after talking to Mrs. McHorrible I could have chosen to tell myself that just because she has an unhealthy expectation of her little girls does not mean I have to let it effect my behavior. Even if thinking about her comment is bothersome, I have sat through painful moments before and I can do it again.
Behaviors chains are awesome. Do one. Do one now.
Tonight I have my support group at MEDA. That's always a hoot. Anyway, I think I'll have lunch now. First I have to make sure I delete all my internet activity from the computer history though. Until last night I never actually knew you could delete your internet history, but my brother said you can make it so nothing ever gets saved and no one will ever be able to see what sites you've been on. He does that on his lap top actually... probably to cover his tracks after watching porn. Ew.