I was reading this magazine in Dr. Gordon's office the other day about eating disorders (more specifically the section on binge eating), and it had this long list of criteria to define the behaviors and feelings that go along with it:
-Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry; bingeing or eating uncontrollably
-Unable to stop eating voluntarily
-Eating until feeling bloated or uncomfortably full
-Hoarding or stealing food
-Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
-Intense guilt about eating
-Depressed moods, mood fluctuations, impatience, irritability
-Intense feeling of disgust with self
-Loathing or hiding of the body under baggy clothes
-Attributes social and professional successes/failures to weight gain/loss
-Binges occur at least twice week
I was feeling pretty awful and disgusted with myself as I moved down the list, because actually, every single one of these symptoms applies to me except for the last one. Yes, I may not have mentioned it lately but I've gotten my binge episodes pretty consistently down to once a week. I feel I should at least give myself credit there. Remember a couple months ago when I couldn't have just one binge day without it being followed by another and another and another? Maybe in another couple months I'll manage to have only two binges a month or something. That would be a dream come true. That's my Christmas wish actually. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is to recover from my binge eating disorder.
Aurhghhhh I want to recover sooooo badly!!! I don't think I've ever wanted to get better more than I do RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. There is so much I want to do and so much I want to accomplish and so many people I want to meet and so many places I want to go and oh so many things I want to learn but I don't want to do them until I've learned to stop using food to control my feelings. Dr. Gordon would say this is an unreasonable way to look at things though. She would say, "You shouldn't have to put your life on hold just because you aren't exactly where you want to be or because you don't look the way you'd like to look." I suppose she's right. I mean, if everyone waited till things were perfect to get their lives going nobody would ever accomplish anything. If Martin Luther King had said, "I'm gonna wait till people stop being racist before I make my speech," he wouldn't have gotten all his great words out there. I'm not quite sure what my point is... I think I just sound corny and a little stupid. However that is a judgement, and the judgement does not serve any constructive purpose at this juncture so I'm going to let that judgmental thought slide right off of my teflon pan mind.
I think I'll go and journal a little bit. Maybe read an ED book. Those are always fun.