It's the six month check-in point :)

Hello again Bloglings!

So I've decided not to waste my time or yours with making excuses or coming up with reasons why I haven't been recovery blogging for the past six months. Has anyone else ever noticed how boring recovery can be? I feel like people don't recognize this enough. We talk about being miserable and hating our bodies and wishing our meal plans would just go fuck themselves, but is it just me or is it also INSANELY BORING work? And we're not even getting paid for it.

 I've been living in New York City with my Aunt Sarah for some months now. I thought it might be an interesting time to start posting again because after this week I'm going back home to Boston for the summer, AND I'll be taking a three month hiatus from therapy and nutrition counseling! No treatment and no doctors for the first time in... since I was.... twelve? I think. My god. Well, I haven't had an eating disorder since I was twelve. I've had an eating disorder since I was fourteen, but twelve was when my mother put me in therapy. Anyway, I'm so excited! I'm at a point in my recovery now where I'm not only ready to take the reigns completely, but I honestly want to, you know? I've learned what I need to learn, I'm prepared for any obstacles, and I have the ED trapped in an airtight jar. It's still alive in there, don't get me wrong. I'm by no means cured of this wretched illness- but at least I'm no longer the one being trapped in a jar.

 My plan was to go home at the end of June, but a situation in our apartment demands that I return ASAP. The situation? Bed bugs. Fucking bed bugs. We don't know how exactly they got in here, but I've been reading all these articles lately about how NYC is known for being overrun by them. Last night, in a fit of frenzied sleeplessness I sent emails to both my parents, demanding they come and get me in one week's time. A week should give me enough time to hot wash all my cloths and bag them up so as to MAKE DAMN SURE that I don't bring them with me.

 In terms of where I stand with the ED behaviors and such, I'm always hesitant to share the specifics. The reluctance isn't from any feelings of shame or secrecy on my part, but rather, I wonder how necessary, or even how helpful the information really is. As we all know, eating disorders are more about irrational beliefs and obsessive thinking than they are about calories consumed and calories burned. I think I'll hold off on discussing my current weight and behaviors for now. At the moment I'm feeling surprisingly at peace with life so we'll just let it be.

A word about perfectionism

I've been thinking a lot about perfectionism lately. We talk about it all the time in groups because perfectionism is pretty much a prerequisite to developing an eating disorder. It's funny, people tell me that I have perfectionistic tendencies, but I find it sort of hard to believe and I always get a little frustrated when I hear that. When I think of perfectionists I imagine most of the girls I went to High School with- rich, pretty, thin, and ivy league-bound. They took all advanced placement classes and got straight A's, maintained social lives, sports and extra-curriculars. I was most definitely NOT that girl. I was (and still sort of am) the freaky chick who ate lunch either alone or with one friend in the hallway or on the basement stairs, who skipped midterms and took easy classes so I wouldn't have to try- I needed all my free time to focus on weight loss anyways. No, I am most certainly not a perfectionist. Although, it's pretty safe to say I'm not the same kid I was in High School. I got into an awesome college and did really well there until I had to go on medical leave. My point though is this, you do not have to BE perfect to be a perfectionist. Look at the following characteristics. A lot of people are like this, and if you have an eating disorder, chances are you will relate to the following:

-belief that perfection can and should be attained
-self worth being almost entirely measured in terms of productivity and accomplishment
-mistakes as evidence of unworthiness
-preoccupation with fear of failure and disapproval
-standards often beyond reach and reason
- all or nothing thinking (which I'm sure you're all familiar with). There are no excuses for fucking up. There is no middle ground, there is no in between. You either suck or you've had a job well done.

Now THAT sounds like me. Even at my very worst, bingeing round the clock, at my heaviest weight, in my weakest moments, I still stay stuck in the mindset of a perfectionist. If I'm thin, I can do anything. If I'm not, I am worthless so I'll remove myself from the world and just indulge the behaviors. I suppose if that's not perfectionism I don't know what it is.

Here's the truth, I do kind of wish I could be perfect. It would be so wonderful to get everything right and never wind up looking stupid. But, and this is a big but, not only are there very few people like that out there, but if there are, they're probably incredibly depressing and uninteresting to be around. I mean, even the brightest and most life changing people in history had mishaps and less than desirable oddities. Virginia Woolf was institutionalized for mental breakdowns, Albert Einstein had to take the 5th grade over again, Martin Luther King plagiarized parts of his doctoral dissertation, and don't even get me started on the royal family. Think about some of most famous and well-known characters in literature! Do we love Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy because they are perfect?! No. We love them because she is a know it all smart ass and he is kind of jerk for the first half of the book. Do we love Emma Bovary because she's perfect? Hells no. We love her because she is delusional and selfish and it's interesting to watch her whole life crumble around her. You catch my drift on this rant, right? Let's give ourselves a break and thank our lucky stars we're as screwed up as we are. We probably have a better shot of making history or winding up in a book someday :)

In Limbo a little bit

Back from my little NYC excursion, and I am so depressed. In some ways, this is a good sign. At least now I know for sure that it's a good idea to live with my Aunt Sarah until second semester starts. Brookline is suffocating. I mean it. Being at home literally makes it harder for me to breathe.

Everything is set up in New York. I have a therapist and I have a nutritionist there now, so I can cross finding a new outpatient team off my list. That feels good to have that done. Oh, I ended up going with the Psy D. She is much more expensive than the LMFT, but in the long run she seemed like she could help me more.

Anyway, all that's left for me to do now is just finish up treatment here, and then I'm free. I'm free. Wow, that sounds weird to say. It's even harder to imagine though. Although, I suppose "free" is an incredibly relative term in this case. Yes, I'll be free from treatment and monitored meals, free from the confines of the house I grew up in and where for the last 18 months have been stuck sabotaging my own health and happiness. I'm also free from the self-loathing and shame that of course comes with having to be an adult living in your parents' house. I am not however, free of the eating disorder quite yet. Don't get me wrong, I am doing LIGHT YEARS better than I was three months ago when I went into residential. When I first started treatment over the summer, I felt like I was being attacked by my own mind. My thoughts, my feelings, the beliefs I had about myself (fat, disgusting, stupid, weak, pathetic), were all consuming, and the only escape I had from those thoughts was through using behaviors. Now, even though I'm not feeling attacked by my eating disorder any longer, I still feel stalked by it. It's still following me EVERYWHERE. I just choose to ignore it 75% of the time.

The body-consciousness has gotten better. I still hate my shape and my overall size, but at least I don't let it keep me from going out in public anymore. For a while in June I physically wouldn't leave my house unless it was to go to therapy or something. I'm guessing it's gotten better lately because I've lost a shit ton of weight. Not like in an eating disordered way! I just wound up shedding a lot of unneeded poundage once I stuck with a meal plan for long enough. Nothing to be too concerned about yet I suppose.

Tomorrow I start my last week in treatment! Hooray!

I feel like Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice

This business of finding a new therapist in New York is making me so anxious I want to die. Not really die, obviously. I mean it in the figurative sense. Like I wish I could crawl in a hole, and then come out only after someone else has made the decision for me.

I'm here in Manhattan just for the week to scope things out. I've met with two potential therapists and tomorrow I'm meeting with a nutritionist. The nutritionist seemed nice over the phone and her rate is $120 a session which is pretty decent for NYC, so I think I'm all set with her. The therapists on the other hand, I need to choose between. Both specialize in eating disorders, one of them is a clinical psychologist (Psy D.) and the other is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). The Psy D. was just incredible. She has a very different approach towards therapy than Emily, my therapist in Boston, but she seems really experienced and smart. Her methods are focused a lot on experiential treatment, AKA mindfulness and moment to moment type stuff. She's all about putting yourself right in the middle of what scares you most, and conquering those fears. She said something to me in our intake appointment that just blew my mind. I was talking about how for so long I've avoided trying new things or following my interests because I know I won't be as good as other people, and I know I won't be talented or skilled enough to feel proud of anything I accomplish. She said, "Okay, but imagine how much time, energy, brain-power, and determination you've put into your eating disorder. Think how many years you have invested in the binge/restrict cycle. That takes more ambition than most people have. If you can do that you can probably do anything." I was like, holy shit. I had NEVER thought about it that way. Here is the one big problem though- her rate is $190 a session.

The other lady, the LMFT, was also very good. She's a lot younger, her approach is probably more evidence based and practical. She uses a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy I think. She was very sweet and made me feel really good about myself, just in the brief half hour that we met. She said she could tell I had worked very hard to accomplish so much in treatment, and she said her first impression of me was that I was articulate and bright. That was nice to hear! She is incredibly organized. She said if we start together she would want to be in touch with my treatment team back home and the outpatient program I'm in right now. She thinks group therapy is really important, and she gave me some information on where to find the best ones. I liked her a lot too. Her rate is $175 per session, but she has a sliding scale so it might turn out to be less.

I simply have no idea. NO FUCKING IDEA. I hate this. I want both of them! I think what it comes down to is this: If I choose the Psy D., I'll probably be doing more soul searching and self examination than I ever could have imagined myself being capable of. If I choose the LMFT, I'll get to work with this really awesome, down to earth therapist, who seems to genuinely care about and understand what I'm going through. I will make a decision by Friday. That is the deadline I'm giving myself.

Any thoughts? Advice? I'd love to know how other people went about choosing their therapists.

HELLO!!!

Whhhhaaaaat? It's been forever! I didn't even know my blog still existed. This is good. SO much has happened since the last time I was here. I certainly won't delve into all of it right now. Well, let's see. Where did we leave off...? Oh, that's right. I was at teetering on the brink of ED insanity, and had pretty much given up all hope of ever getting better. I stayed helpless and out of control like that for about month or so before FINALLY doing something about it. There is really only so much rock bottom a person can handle. I threw up my hands and checked back into treatment.

For those of you who are reading this for the first time, or for anyone who has forgotten, here is my story (the condensed version): My name is Eliza. I am 21 years old, and I have had an eating disorder since I was 14. My formal diagnosis (if you put any stock in that sort of thing; I don't) is EDNOS, which stands for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Isn't that a horrible name to give a mental illness? Anyway, I fall under that category because I've been all over the place in terms of specific eating disordered behaviors and patterns. I started off with anorexia in high school, and then at certain point I got too hungry and sick of being hungry so I started binge eating. It was like that on and off for the rest of high school and the beginning of college. I was constantly dieting and trying to reach a weight that I could never healthily stay at, and then once I got to that weight I would binge and gain it all back again. About two years ago though, in the middle of sophomore year of college, I lost too much weight and had to go on medical leave. I've been on leave since January 2009, and I've been through treatment twice. The first attempt was a big fat misfire because my parents had forced me into it. Rule #1 of recovery: TREATMENT DOES NOT WORK ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. I kept on trying to lose weight throughout treatment. I was compulsively exercising, leaving out exchanges from my meal plan, and lying to my team about it the whole time. In the long run, the constant dieting and rigidity just set me up for more and more binges, and ultimately it got to the point where I gave up restricting and exercise and solely engaged in bingeing. I eventually became overweight, and consequently fell into an immobilizing depression. That's when I put MYSELF back in treatment. That was over this past summer, and now here I am.

Whew. And here is the current plan for my future: I'm finishing up treatment this fall, and then I'm going to live in New York City with my Aunt Sarah until second semester starts in January. Then, HOPEFULLY, I will FINALLY be ready to go back to college.

Anyways, I want my blog to be different this time around. I want it to be recovery focused and healthy. That doesn't mean I'm not going to bitch and rant about bad days and how much I hate myself every once in a while, BUT I am setting some ground rules. I will never include specific numbers (weight, calories) because I know how triggering it can be for other people and the last thing I want is to make you guys feel like shit. That's what eating disorders are there for, right? Heh heh. I also will never encourage or suggest any ED behaviors- and that includes dieting. Yes, I've struggled with binge eating, and yes I've struggled with my weight, but for someone with an eating disorder, dieting is a death trap- no matter what size you are. Lastly, I promise that if I start to relapse, I'll stop blogging. That might seem extreme and maybe even a little nonsensical, but eating disorders are poisonous and I will not allow mine to invade this space.

Well, that's it for now. More to come. It's good to be back :)

Here we go again

A couple weeks ago I starting thinking about time travel. Actually, I wasn't so much thinking about it as I was obsessing over it. The idea itself makes me a little mental. There are fanatics out there who literally pour their sweat and blood into substantiating these theories like special relativity, gravitational time dilation... parallel universes. What the hell? I think the reason why I started obsessing and worrying about it (besides not currently being on medication), was because I can't get over the possibility of there being another ME somewhere out there. I mean, I guess I know it's probably not possible. But nothing is IMPOSSIBLE. So if there is another Eliza out there in space time, what is she up to?

I'm starting treatment again. I am so far gone this time. The eating disorder has literally invaded and seized control of my brain so firmly, that I sometimes forget who I am and where I am. Maybe I'm making it sound worse than it is but I don't think so. I go for hours sometimes thinking about nothing but food and eating and weight and then when I finally come back to earth I've been gone so long I don't know how to re-acclimate myself so I just binge because I don't know what else to do.

The thing about my eating disorder right now that SUCKS MAJOR BALLS, is that it's a lot harder to get treatment this time around. A year and a half ago my weight was low and estrogen and iron non-existent so I was essentially a shoo-in for every program out there. NOW, since the eating disorder has maniacally morphed into round the clock binge eating, I'm just another fat girl struggling with the consequences of an unruly appetite and poor willpower, at least that's how the insurance companies choose to see it. It's very disheartening. If there is another Eliza who exists in a parallel universe, I hope the health care on her planet is far less corrupted.

The good news is I found a place that will take me. It's in Cambridge and I can start at the Partial Hospital level, which is day program. Ideally, I should be in residential. I'm still pushing for residential. My nutritionist thinks I need 24 hour supervision and so does my therapist, but right now we're not sure if there is enough medical evidence to warrant it (i.e. I'm not anorexic anymore, or purging, so it's not serious enough yet). I have an assessment there on Thursday, so I'll know more by then but for now it's looking like day program- probably starting sometime next week. I can't believe I'm back here :(

Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie...

Sooooo.... I think I'm going to take a break from the blog posting- just for a little while. I need to get back on my feet, I need to crawl out of the rut of depression and ED behaviors, I need to study for my mid term next week, and I've been feeling guilty for not writing as much as I would want to. I can't stand the way my words sound anymore. They make me sick. Trying to flesh out my feelings and thoughts and put them into words is making me sick even at this very moment so I'll make it a short one.

I want to keep reading all YOUR blogs out there, so it's not like I'm just abandoning ship. I am always curious to know how everyone is doing, so I'm gonna keep commenting and stuff.

I'll be back soon. I just need to gather some strength, but I'll be back soon.

Just gotta get right out of here

I took the title for this post from a Queen song because that's what I'm listening to right now.

I'm officially in a slump, I'd say. I'm depressed, I still haven't gotten back on track with my meds so I'm bingeing round the clock and wanting to cry my eyes out at the drop of a fucking hat anytime I think about what I must look like now. I refuse to wear anything besides pajamas or sweats, my room looks like what Japan probably looks like right about now, and tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Gordon and I'll have to tell her all this and oh my god I just want to die die die die die die.

I'm never going to get better. Forget the eating disorder, I've completely lost my mind and there is absolutely no hope. Think about it. How many times have I claimed to be "doing better" or "getting back on track" and then something horrible happens and it all falls to pieces? Too many times to count.

The weird part is, I'm outwardly calm and pleasant right now. I was laughing and joking with Mina at the ice cream store, being polite to customers, and totally keeping it together despite the fact that I've lost the ability to form coherent thoughts or feelings. My chest is tight and a part of me wants to cry and scream but I just can't seem to even muster the strength to do those. I literally live this little snow globe existence of a life- settled and normal one day, then shaken up and thrown around the next. And the worst part is, I'm the one shaking the snow globe around!!! Ugh. I realize that sounds ridiculous but in my head it's how I picture it.

I'm totally at a loss for what to do. I think I might start training for the next Boston marathon. Not the NEXT one, but maybe the next next one. I feel like I need something to commit to besides weight loss and recovery and all that other horse shit I'm always yammering on about. I think I could commit to becoming a runner and maybe I'll become really good someday. Plus, running is fun and I need more good wholesome fun. I should probably sort some of the more pressing issues out first though (like the insanity and my overdue parking tickets), before embarking on any new game plans for life.

I hate spring

This afternoon I'm driving up to Maine with my sister. I'm doing that thing again this year where I provide childcare for the Quakers on their spiritual retreat. This year's theme is stewardship and simplicity. It's a good thing I'm just going to be watching the kids because I'm pretty sure I would have nothing to offer to those topics. I'm a terrible steward and I don't live very simply. God, I'm a terrible Quaker! Anyways, I'm sort of nervous about the drive up. It's only three hours or something like that but the longest leg I've ever driven is an hour out into central Massachusetts for my riding lessons last fall, and even that felt like a lot. At least Rachel will be with me.

I can't believe the first week of April is in exactly two weeks.

My brother's girlfriend is an absolute idiot. I always told him he would be a magnet for airheads and bimbos but he was all like oh Eliza I think I have better judgement than that. Ummmm, NO. She's too peppy and over familiar with people, she hardly even greeted me when we met, and she's too skinny. Okay, I know that's not a valid reason for disliking somebody and maybe I'm a little jealous but there you have it. I can't wait for the end of the school year when they'll inevitably have to break up and go off to college.

Hmmmm.... I don't have a lot to write about today so I'm sort of just trying to come up with things to fill this post with.

In Dr. Gordon's office she has these catalogs called The Gurze 2011 Eating Disorders Resources Catalogue. Come to think of it, Marci has them all over her waiting too. Anyways, they're actually pretty cool. They're filled with books you can order, and tips for how to avoid bingeing and purgeing and stuff. Then at the back they list practically every single treatment center in the U.S. I was actually surprised to find out that there are only three credible centers in Massachusetts. McLean Hospital (the one that the institution in Girl, Interrupted was based off of), Laurel Hill Inn (the one I went to), and then CEDC (Cambridge Eating Disorders Center).

I binged yesterday and the day before :( The weird part is, I don't think it was because I'd restricted. The first binge on Wednesday was because I had to open the ice cream store at 10 a.m. and then stay all by myself until 6 p.m. It was raining and I was alone and there were no customers, and even though I had my little lunch or whatever, I just felt like I was going to be so bored and the only way to get through the day would be to binge eat. Then yesterday, I binged again, and not so much out of hunger as it was out of, I feel like eating a lot of ice cream. Also, Michelle was making herself a shake and it made me want a treat. Anywho, I had a big breakfast today so that I can be off on a good start to the weekend, and then I decided to take my meds also so maybe that will help. Hey, maybe I binged because I haven't been taking my meds! Hmmm. It's funny how things start to make sense when you think about them.

My life is a joke

I do not understand parking in Cambridge. I've been getting ticketed so much lately, so I decided to play it safe this time and park in one of the lots by Harvard, but once I finished my appointment with Marci (which is only like 45 minutes long) and drove out, the guy charged me fourteen dollars! I might as well have just parked illegally outside her office and taken the twenty dollar ticket! Well, that's what I get for driving instead of walking/taking the bus.

It was a good session today. I was sort of relieved because after taking a long hard look at the past week and a half, the restriction has not been as serious as I think I made it sound. Yes, I've been eating less than the meal plan calls for, and YES, restricting food intake to make yourself feel better or to relieve anxiety is eating disordered, BUT I really haven't been restricting all that much. I think maybe I wanted it to sound like I was but I'm not. I'm glad I was honest with Marci about it though. Now we can just forget about it and move on.

I'm watching Silence of Lambs with my brother (he claims it's for school. Ha!). I love this movie so much. It's like my fourth or fifth favorite film.

Last night I closed the ice cream store with the other new employee that we hired, Richard. He's a nice guy and a lot more helpful with cleaning and stuff than Michelle is. I'm telling you, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Working at the ice cream store I mean. I know I'm not obligated to stay there forever or anything, but it's just getting to be so much more work now that the warm weather is here and customers are coming in and out all day. I certainly can't get away with watching Netflix or bingeing on froyo while I'm working anymore :) I can't quit though. Apparently I owe a whopping 500 dollars in overdue parking tickets from months ago. I have the money, but it's just the most depressing situation ever because if I'd just paid them when they were due I wouldn't have this problem. Ugh, it sucks. So quitting would just make me feel even worse because I wouldn't be able to make any money to make up for it. Booooooooo.

Here are things I need to do this week: (just fyi this list is more for my own organizational purposes. I'm not trying to brag or show off how cool and conscientious I am, because I'm not)

-pay parking tickets
-call Beth Israel Hospital and give them worker's comp information about the accident
-call and set up an appointment with a psychiatrist about meds
-return Netflix DVD's
-get a smoothie from Fresh City at some point
-review statistics notes for class next week
-buy Easter cards to send out to people in a few weeks
-figure out when I'm going to England (before or after California? I don't know!!!)
-call CrazyHorse and give them credit card information so I can get a refund on riding boots that I returned months ago

Bad omens

Tomorrow my mom is having a colonoscopy so I have to get up super early to drive her there and then pick her up afterwards. Great. Mondays used to be my sleep-in days and now I'm a chauffeur for the decrepit.

I'm having second thoughts about the newest girl that we hired, Michelle. She is cool and fun to chat with, she's only been working at the store for a week and already her smoothies are the perfect consistency, but besides making the stuff and waiting on customers, she kind of does absolutely nothing. She sits by the counter and texts her boyfriend, she makes herself enormous milk shakes, and when it's time to close she never stays with me until I'm done cleaning the store. In fact tonight she actually asked if she could leave right at 10 p.m. and I didn't really know what to say so I was like, "Sure!" I'm SUCH a pushover :( The thing is (and I was talking about this with Dr. Gordon last week), I'm actually fine cleaning the store all by myself because it's a lot easier to do something myself than explain it to someone else who won't do it right. I just like having company during my shifts now.

I haven't taken my meds in almost a week. AAAAAaaah I'm falling off the wagon again, I know it. Technically nothing disastrous has happened yet like in terms of bingeing or sleeping all day but I really need to get consistent and STAY consistent with taking them. Otherwise something bad will certainly happen.

There has been a major drop in food consumption this week. Nowhere near full blown starvation but certainly less than my meal plan requires. I haven't been calorie counting but if I had to make a rough estimate I'd say I've been eating between 1,000 and 1,200 calories a day. So... not disastrous but Marci would call it restriction. Last week I was writing stuff in on my planner and I started making a weight loss schedule for myself, just like old times. I put in a weight for myself to be at by the end of the month and then afterwards I started figuring in how long it would take for me to get to my "skinny" weight if I lost 1-2 pounds a week after that. Taking into account how long it's taken me to lose weight in the past on the amount of food I've been eating, if I continue this way I will be "thin" by my birthday in May, and "skinny" by early summer. I don't know why exactly the urges to restrict have been so strong lately. All I know is that it is getting more and more frustrating having to live in this body and more than ever I need a change.

Too tired for a title

I was talking about blogs with my mom the other day. Whenever she sees me writing a post she asks if I've had a binge. "Did you have a binge?" I hate the way she makes it sound like I just took a shit on the carpet or something. I think she assumes that since I started this blog to help me make sense of the eating disorder, I ONLY write when I need to report or analyze a behavior. She asked what my therapist thought about blogging, since Dr. Gordon had mentioned something to her about how reading other people's can be triggering. I actually made a pretty strong case for the opposite. One thing I've noticed over the past year, just reading other people's ED blogs, is that MOST people are using it as a recovery tool in some way or other. I mean, of course everyone is going to have posts that talk about binge/purge episodes or not wanting to gain weight, but most people who are really entrenched in their behaviors sort of don't have the time or inclination to address or tackle their issues. I don't know. Surely this isn't true of everyone but it makes sense to me and even my mother admitted I might have a point.

I feel a little badly about not posting every day, or at least every other day. Sometimes it's because I'm waiting for comments and I like for people to read before I write a new one, and other times I want to write but I don't think the subject is worthy enough to have it's own post. This is kind of a ridiculous way of thinking since the point of An Unexpected Twist (ugh, hating the title all of a sudden btw) is to write WHAT I FEEL LIKE WRITING ABOUT.

This week has been... just average I suppose. I sort of restricted, which is new because I haven't felt like doing that in forever. I'm feeling apathetic. Apathetic and spiteful. I think the restriction is coming from the spiteful place. I just feel like spiting everybody, including myself, by not eating and losing lots of weight. Clearly that last one won't happen just from a few measly days of restriction, but it feels good in the moment. I'm just so tired of being heavy and at the same time not being able to do anything about it. I have GOT to stop complaining so much about it though! I just realized that this is like the third or fourth post in a row that I've written about wanting to lose weight. It must unbearable for you guys.

Spring is in the air and fat is everywhere

Well last night, instead of futzing around on the computer and munching on M&M's as usual, I spent the evening training a new employee named Michelle. She's pretty nice and all, and I am grateful to finally have someone else, ANYONE else, in the store with me, but training people is a lot of work. I showed her how to clean some of the machines, and how to mop the floors and stuff, but she kind of didn't do anything right and I didn't want to say anything or make her feel bad, especially since we seemed to be getting along, so I just let her leave early and stayed late to re-clean everything she'd tried to do. Plus her boyfriend came to pick her up at 10:00, and even though she said she didn't need to leave early, I felt really rushed with him waiting around in the store while we cleaned up so I figured I would save us all the trouble and told them they could both go. When I told Dr. Gordon this today she said, "Eliza!" and then went on to explain that by not correcting Michelle I'm not only not training her how to clean the store, but I'm also creating extra work for myself that I shouldn't have to do. I understand, but I don't actually feel like it's all that much extra work. From inside my head it would actually be more stressful to have to tell Michelle that she did a bunch of stuff wrong. Whatever. I'm working again tonight but I'm not sure if I'm training anybody. I kind of hope not...

Tomorrow I have Marci and my homework for this week was to track my hunger and fullness during certain meals. According to her, I should feel very proud because this is "advanced nutrition work" and people who are totally wrapped up in their eating disordered behaviors can't do hunger and fullness work since their bodies are all fucked up from restriction and purging or whatever. So I guess I'm supposed to feel good but I don't really. I'd rather lose weight and be pretty again. There are actually a couple of events coming up in the next few months that I know would be so much more enjoyable if I could be thin for them (yes, yes I know how EDed that sounds and yes, yes I'm working on addressing that sort of maladaptive thinking and blah blah shut up). You see, in April my family is going to California for a week to see the sights and visit some friends. My dad's cousin does the sound editing for Pixar studios so we'll get to see some of the behind the scenes stuff of Disney movies that haven't even come out yet! I've never been to California but from what I've heard it's lovely and warm and I'd very much like to not be obese there. ALSO, my birthday is on May 26th and I'll be turning 21 and my friends will be home from college for the summer and they want to take me out drinking and bar hopping to celebrate- another event I'd like to not be disgusting looking for. I'm also going to England with my dad some time in April because he has business to take of there and if I should meet the queen I'd like to look presentable and without stomach rolls. My bff from school is also spending a year abroad at Oxford, and if I go to England I can see her! And even though I know she wouldn't care all that much what I look like it still bothers me that I'd look this way when I see her. Heheh, she actually reads this blog so I feel funny writing about her as if she doesn't know any of this...

Anywho, maybe one of these days something magical will happen like a good angel will fly down from Weight Loss Heaven and take thirty pounds off my ass for me.

I'm better now

I take back that last post I wrote. I was in a super bad mood but that doesn't mean anything, really. I say/write a lot of things I don't mean.

You know what all you guys should do right now? Go out and rent 127 Hours. The movie that James Franco was nominated as best actor for this year. It's based on a true story about this guy named Aron Ralston who goes out hiking on Blue John Canyon in Utah one day and he falls into a slot canyon and gets his arm pinned by a boulder. He stays stuck this way for 5 days before finally doing the unthinkable to save his life. It's just... the most inspiring film I've ever seen in my life. I really need for you guys to see it so you'll know what I'm talking about. It's a little gruesome at one point, so if you don't have a strong stomach for blood and stuff you might want to prepare yourself a bit. I'm serious. I used to pride myself on how well I could tolerate scenes with blood but this one scene had me absolutely cringeing and heaving. Now that I've warned you though, I will honestly proclaim that Ralston is my new hero. He makes me want to be a better person.

Anyway though, like I was beginning to say, I feel bad for being so negative and antagonistic a few hours ago. I won't give up on recovery or whatever, but I am rather sick of the weekly shit sessions with Marci and Dr. Gordon. I hate that they're both so much skinnier than I am.

Screw this

I'm so bored with my life right now. I've had nothing of consequence to write about this week and the only reason I'm writing right now is because my last post was on Wednesday and I feel obligated to report something.

I'm super angry that the warm weather seems to be settling in. I'm not prepared for spring and certainly not prepared for the clothing it calls for. I need to start losing weight I think. I'm so sick of all this following a meal plan shit. I don't need a meal plan. What I need is to cut back on calories because I'm enormous. The worst part is that I'm not even exaggerating about being fat anymore. Even Marci admits that my weight is higher than it needs to be because of how long I've kept myself in the binge/restrict cycle. I think she was trying to make me feel better by telling me this but honestly all it does is make me feel like shit. Then she tries to force a 2,500 calorie-a-day meal plan on me? This is bull shit and I am not going to stand for it any longer. I'm sure some people DO need that much, but those people are probably at healthy normal weights and don't have any weight to lose. I am unfortunately not one of those people. I think Marci is under the impression that I have no control over what or how much I eat so she just has me eat a shit ton amount every day thinking that maybe it'll keep me from bingeing. HORSE SHIT I SAY.

What's wrong with Charlie Sheen, btw? "Depression is a choice, and today I choose not to be depressed." What the fuck?! Is he aware of the words he is saying?

I want to lose twenty pounds by my birthday in May. I do get sad when I hear myself think these types of thoughts, not just because it's anti-recovery, but also because I've tried to lose weight soooooooooooo many times but I just get too hungry to stick with it. I just wish I could find some sort of medium between crash dieting and healthy dieting. I mean who knows? I haven't tried to stick to a realistic, non-restrictive diet in a really long time. Maybe I've changed and I can handle it now?

Where's Eliza?

I am so out of it lately. It's like my brain has been somewhere else for weeks. First there was that epic mistake I made last week where I let someone down and ended up disappointing myself and my family, then last night I had a statistics exam and had I taken a shit on the test itself I probably would have done better. And TODAY, I totally forgot that I was supposed to open the ice cream store at 10:00 so Selim had to come down and open it and I came an hour late. The worst part is that everyone has been being so goddamn nice to me. Selim looked disappointed at first but then he told me it was all okay and to take a deep breath. My stats professor told us not to worry about how we do on the test because probability is the hardest unit in statistics and even third year calculus students struggle with understanding it.

And now I'm bingeing. Well, I'm eating ice cream. I'm not really sure if that counts as a full blown binge.

Happy Oscar night, everyone! (Fingers crossed for Colin Firth)

I am so screwed for this statistics test on Tuesday. We didn't have class last week for one reason or another, so it's been almost two weeks and I told myself I would review notes and concepts every day until the test and so far I've studied... zero days altogether. The thing is, it's not like psychology or biology where you've gotsta make sure you read a textbook and retain information. With math, you either get it, or you don't. If you do get it, great. If you don't, you'll probably fail. We've only had two homework assignments since the semester started in January, one we never got handed back to us, and the other one we went over in class and I felt pretty confident about it. I even mustered up the courage to see the professor before our class a few weeks ago and he went though some of the tougher problems with me. Honestly, regardless of how I do, I'll just be happy when it's over and done with so I can stop feeling anxious about it. Speaking of which, for the past week my right eyelid has been twitching on and off throughout the day, every day. I'm sure it's just stress and fatigue or whatever, but I cannot help wondering if I have some sort of neurological disorder. Aahaha it just twitched right when I typed that!!!

I don't know what to do for dinner tonight. I'm working till closing so I'll either have to make due with a wrap from the store, or order something yummy and wonderful but extremely expensive from Comella's next door... hmmmm. Oh god, cheese gnocchi with marinara sauce sounds amazing right about now. Maybe I'll do that. I think I may have to do that.

Marci never helped out with the problem I e-mailed her about a few days ago. Hmph. She was like, "I'm so proud of you Eliza for reaching out! Since I don't have adequate time to respond, we can discuss it on Tuesday." Ummm... okay. It seemed a little dismissive. I mean, how much time does it really take to just say, "Hey Eliza, sorry you're feeling anxious about what you ate for dinner. Just remember that anxiety often indicates that you're challenging the eating disorder, so you're doing the right thing by sitting with the uneasiness." See how quickly I could come up with that? And I'm not even a licensed nutritionist.

It's Sunday and I usually report any behaviors I had over the week on Sundays. But since it's getting easier to not binge as often, lets just assume that every week is behavior free, unless I claim otherwise. Wait, what was that? Did I just say recovery is getting easier? :)

Today's special: GUILT

I did a horrible thing. It's weird because I don't want to say what it is but I do think everyone should know how seriously I screwed up and how guilty I feel about it. Just for the record, what I did was legitimately irresponsible and bad. It's not like I binged on a ton of food or something and now I feel bad about it. It's not like I was late to work and another employee had to cover for me. It's pretty bad. Here's what I DID NOT do however, just so you know that I don't belong in jail: I didn't kill anyone or anything, I didn't physically harm anyone or anything, I didn't break the law, I didn't make anyone cry, I didn't hurt anyone's feelings, it doesn't have anything to do with the eating disorder... and it doesn't have anything to do with my job at the ice cream store or my family. So there you have it, sort of.

This may sound self-indulgent, but I'm wondering if anyone else has ever been careless or irresponsible or let someone down in a big way. Right now I feel like I'm the only person in the world who has ever made a mistake and even though I know that can't be true I wish I could just have some assurance that other people aren't perfect either, you know? I just feel horrible and ashamed beyond belief and I need someone to say something like, "Oh Eliza, this one time I was supposed to throw a baby shower for my best friend but instead I got super drunk and slept with her husband instead. Your mistake was NOTHING compared to that." Something bad. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more okay with talking about the specifics of my situation, but right now I feel like if I revealed it you guys would never read my blog again!

E-mail I sent to Marci 3 minutes ago

Hi Marci,

I'm having one of those awful ED thoughts that I'm sure are being supported by some faulty beliefs regarding nutrition and meals and stuff. Here's the gist of what today has been like (and if you'd rather discuss this in our session next week that's fine): This morning I had to wake up way earlier than usual, 6:30 to be exact, because I had a babysitting gig at 8:00 and I wanted to have breakfast and do some other stuff first. I knew that since I was going to be running around a lot today going from job to job I would probably need more food or whatever so I was good about that... and I actually had lunch at 11:30 because of how early I'd eaten breakfast so I challenged the time rules there and that was okay. Subsequently then, I had dinner early too, at a quarter to six and then I had a frozen yogurt for my dessert, which I'm also going to count as my evening snack I think. Here's the problem/horrible thought: I should have had the frozen yogurt later in the evening because I'm staying here until ten and then walking home and now since I've just blown everything by hitting all my exchanges before even six o' clock, I'm going to be hungry in four hours and have to eat more which goes over the meal plan and I would have been able to avoid that hunger if I had I just delayed my dessert. I suppose I could just try and tolerate the hunger but that seems restrictive.

Is this true? Would I be less hungry in a few hours if I'd just eaten the froyo at like eight or something? I'm confused. Angry and confused. Hey! At least can identify the emotions properly. Karen R. Wutzherface would be so proud.

Anywho, thanks for reading. I think just writing out this e-mail has helped me feel a lot better. See you on Tuesday!!

-Eliza :)

Can I pick 'em or can I pick 'em?!

Well despite having to wake up sickeningly early to help Tulan open the ice cream store this morning, only to find that she wasn't there and then having to wait an hour outside in the freezing cold for her to arrive with the key, I couldn't feel too bogged down because last night was so much fun! I couldn't have chosen better companions to keep me company while I was house sitting last night. Rachel was a shoo in for a bunk mate because of how eager she was to practice shadow puppets with me, Mary, one of her best friends, came along to provide us with some stellar impressions of the teachers at her school, and Jake... well Jake came along because he had nothing better to do and I only enjoy being with kids for about an hour or so and then I start to get sick of all the clean and wholesome fun. I always love having someone to make inappropriate and crude comments with.

Anyways, we all watched Glee together at 8:00 and I brought a frozen Amy's pizza for everyone to share afterwards. After like five minutes of being in the oven though, the smoke alarm went off and Rachel started freaking out. Nothing was on fire or anything, but there was smoke EVERYWHERE. We opened all the windows and then took turns fanning the air around the smoke detector so that it would stop sounding. Luckily Amy's pizzas only take 12 minutes to bake so Jake and I took turns waving newspapers at the alarm until it was done. We drove Mary home at 10:00, and Jake stopped off at our house to pick up some microwave popcorn for the movie. He tried making homemade kettle corn for us. It was sort of gross looking. He popped up some regular microwave popcorn and then drizzled corn syrup and brown sugar over it. So... not really kettle corn come to think of it. It was soggy and limp but surprisingly delicious. Then we all fell asleep on the couch watching Anchorman.

Tonight I finish work at 5:00 so hopefully we can have another sibling night. Tomorrow is going to be horrible. I'll probably have to wake up at around 6:30 because I'm babysitting from 8:00 to 1:00. Then from their house I'll have to walk straight over the ice cream store for my double shift until 10:00. I feel like I complain a lot about how much I work and stuff. It is stressful to be sure, but I feel bad when I compare it to stuff everyone else around the globe is going though. You know there have been mini earthquakes in Indiana for the past couple of days?