Saturday, March 5, 2011

Screw this

I'm so bored with my life right now. I've had nothing of consequence to write about this week and the only reason I'm writing right now is because my last post was on Wednesday and I feel obligated to report something.

I'm super angry that the warm weather seems to be settling in. I'm not prepared for spring and certainly not prepared for the clothing it calls for. I need to start losing weight I think. I'm so sick of all this following a meal plan shit. I don't need a meal plan. What I need is to cut back on calories because I'm enormous. The worst part is that I'm not even exaggerating about being fat anymore. Even Marci admits that my weight is higher than it needs to be because of how long I've kept myself in the binge/restrict cycle. I think she was trying to make me feel better by telling me this but honestly all it does is make me feel like shit. Then she tries to force a 2,500 calorie-a-day meal plan on me? This is bull shit and I am not going to stand for it any longer. I'm sure some people DO need that much, but those people are probably at healthy normal weights and don't have any weight to lose. I am unfortunately not one of those people. I think Marci is under the impression that I have no control over what or how much I eat so she just has me eat a shit ton amount every day thinking that maybe it'll keep me from bingeing. HORSE SHIT I SAY.

What's wrong with Charlie Sheen, btw? "Depression is a choice, and today I choose not to be depressed." What the fuck?! Is he aware of the words he is saying?

I want to lose twenty pounds by my birthday in May. I do get sad when I hear myself think these types of thoughts, not just because it's anti-recovery, but also because I've tried to lose weight soooooooooooo many times but I just get too hungry to stick with it. I just wish I could find some sort of medium between crash dieting and healthy dieting. I mean who knows? I haven't tried to stick to a realistic, non-restrictive diet in a really long time. Maybe I've changed and I can handle it now?


  1. If you get too hungry to stick with a "diet", then whatever that diet is, it sucks. It simply means that you're starving your body of something and it's requesting it ! Eat when you're hungry. Just go for the carrots instead of the M&Ms. But make sure you EAT until you're full. And eat some more when you're hungry. It's all about making better choices, not starving ourselves (which crash dieting usually leads to).

    I know it's always easier said than done, but you can do it. Food is GOOD and it's the fuel our bodies need. I just make POOR choices and that's why I'm where I am today (F-A-T). With healthy dieting, I have to ask myself, "What's BEST for my body ?" and not "What do I want to eat right now ?" Because what I want is usually not what's best for my body.

    Perhaps I'll write something about that.
    Just don't think about "losing weight" or "dieting". Too restrictive in itself.

  2. Thank you so much, Elle. For someone who claims not to know a whole lot about eating disorders, you always know the right things to say :)

  3. Hmm, I don't know. Maybe you should take Ellie's advice and look at this more like eating healthy than being on a 'diet'. You can lose weight without being restrictive, you're right!