I was talking about blogs with my mom the other day. Whenever she sees me writing a post she asks if I've had a binge. "Did you have a binge?" I hate the way she makes it sound like I just took a shit on the carpet or something. I think she assumes that since I started this blog to help me make sense of the eating disorder, I ONLY write when I need to report or analyze a behavior. She asked what my therapist thought about blogging, since Dr. Gordon had mentioned something to her about how reading other people's can be triggering. I actually made a pretty strong case for the opposite. One thing I've noticed over the past year, just reading other people's ED blogs, is that MOST people are using it as a recovery tool in some way or other. I mean, of course everyone is going to have posts that talk about binge/purge episodes or not wanting to gain weight, but most people who are really entrenched in their behaviors sort of don't have the time or inclination to address or tackle their issues. I don't know. Surely this isn't true of everyone but it makes sense to me and even my mother admitted I might have a point.
I feel a little badly about not posting every day, or at least every other day. Sometimes it's because I'm waiting for comments and I like for people to read before I write a new one, and other times I want to write but I don't think the subject is worthy enough to have it's own post. This is kind of a ridiculous way of thinking since the point of An Unexpected Twist (ugh, hating the title all of a sudden btw) is to write WHAT I FEEL LIKE WRITING ABOUT.
This week has been... just average I suppose. I sort of restricted, which is new because I haven't felt like doing that in forever. I'm feeling apathetic. Apathetic and spiteful. I think the restriction is coming from the spiteful place. I just feel like spiting everybody, including myself, by not eating and losing lots of weight. Clearly that last one won't happen just from a few measly days of restriction, but it feels good in the moment. I'm just so tired of being heavy and at the same time not being able to do anything about it. I have GOT to stop complaining so much about it though! I just realized that this is like the third or fourth post in a row that I've written about wanting to lose weight. It must unbearable for you guys.