Monday, March 7, 2011

Spring is in the air and fat is everywhere

Well last night, instead of futzing around on the computer and munching on M&M's as usual, I spent the evening training a new employee named Michelle. She's pretty nice and all, and I am grateful to finally have someone else, ANYONE else, in the store with me, but training people is a lot of work. I showed her how to clean some of the machines, and how to mop the floors and stuff, but she kind of didn't do anything right and I didn't want to say anything or make her feel bad, especially since we seemed to be getting along, so I just let her leave early and stayed late to re-clean everything she'd tried to do. Plus her boyfriend came to pick her up at 10:00, and even though she said she didn't need to leave early, I felt really rushed with him waiting around in the store while we cleaned up so I figured I would save us all the trouble and told them they could both go. When I told Dr. Gordon this today she said, "Eliza!" and then went on to explain that by not correcting Michelle I'm not only not training her how to clean the store, but I'm also creating extra work for myself that I shouldn't have to do. I understand, but I don't actually feel like it's all that much extra work. From inside my head it would actually be more stressful to have to tell Michelle that she did a bunch of stuff wrong. Whatever. I'm working again tonight but I'm not sure if I'm training anybody. I kind of hope not...

Tomorrow I have Marci and my homework for this week was to track my hunger and fullness during certain meals. According to her, I should feel very proud because this is "advanced nutrition work" and people who are totally wrapped up in their eating disordered behaviors can't do hunger and fullness work since their bodies are all fucked up from restriction and purging or whatever. So I guess I'm supposed to feel good but I don't really. I'd rather lose weight and be pretty again. There are actually a couple of events coming up in the next few months that I know would be so much more enjoyable if I could be thin for them (yes, yes I know how EDed that sounds and yes, yes I'm working on addressing that sort of maladaptive thinking and blah blah shut up). You see, in April my family is going to California for a week to see the sights and visit some friends. My dad's cousin does the sound editing for Pixar studios so we'll get to see some of the behind the scenes stuff of Disney movies that haven't even come out yet! I've never been to California but from what I've heard it's lovely and warm and I'd very much like to not be obese there. ALSO, my birthday is on May 26th and I'll be turning 21 and my friends will be home from college for the summer and they want to take me out drinking and bar hopping to celebrate- another event I'd like to not be disgusting looking for. I'm also going to England with my dad some time in April because he has business to take of there and if I should meet the queen I'd like to look presentable and without stomach rolls. My bff from school is also spending a year abroad at Oxford, and if I go to England I can see her! And even though I know she wouldn't care all that much what I look like it still bothers me that I'd look this way when I see her. Heheh, she actually reads this blog so I feel funny writing about her as if she doesn't know any of this...

Anywho, maybe one of these days something magical will happen like a good angel will fly down from Weight Loss Heaven and take thirty pounds off my ass for me.

1 comment:

  1. Yes. Yes. Yes. I understand your conundrum exactly.

    I feel this way a lot. But, to deal with my not feeling as attractive as when I was much thinner I have had to change the way I dress, and the way I style myself. I also have much shorter, more fun hair that I play with.

    In my eyes, I look completely different from head to toe. Now, I don't *always* feel like I'm comparing my body and face to the 'old thin me'. I have a completely new look that I can embrace.

    However, not to bum you out, this whole process took about a year. I still have the occasional hiccup.


    Good luck, I'm sure you look great!!