Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Here we go again

A couple weeks ago I starting thinking about time travel. Actually, I wasn't so much thinking about it as I was obsessing over it. The idea itself makes me a little mental. There are fanatics out there who literally pour their sweat and blood into substantiating these theories like special relativity, gravitational time dilation... parallel universes. What the hell? I think the reason why I started obsessing and worrying about it (besides not currently being on medication), was because I can't get over the possibility of there being another ME somewhere out there. I mean, I guess I know it's probably not possible. But nothing is IMPOSSIBLE. So if there is another Eliza out there in space time, what is she up to?

I'm starting treatment again. I am so far gone this time. The eating disorder has literally invaded and seized control of my brain so firmly, that I sometimes forget who I am and where I am. Maybe I'm making it sound worse than it is but I don't think so. I go for hours sometimes thinking about nothing but food and eating and weight and then when I finally come back to earth I've been gone so long I don't know how to re-acclimate myself so I just binge because I don't know what else to do.

The thing about my eating disorder right now that SUCKS MAJOR BALLS, is that it's a lot harder to get treatment this time around. A year and a half ago my weight was low and estrogen and iron non-existent so I was essentially a shoo-in for every program out there. NOW, since the eating disorder has maniacally morphed into round the clock binge eating, I'm just another fat girl struggling with the consequences of an unruly appetite and poor willpower, at least that's how the insurance companies choose to see it. It's very disheartening. If there is another Eliza who exists in a parallel universe, I hope the health care on her planet is far less corrupted.

The good news is I found a place that will take me. It's in Cambridge and I can start at the Partial Hospital level, which is day program. Ideally, I should be in residential. I'm still pushing for residential. My nutritionist thinks I need 24 hour supervision and so does my therapist, but right now we're not sure if there is enough medical evidence to warrant it (i.e. I'm not anorexic anymore, or purging, so it's not serious enough yet). I have an assessment there on Thursday, so I'll know more by then but for now it's looking like day program- probably starting sometime next week. I can't believe I'm back here :(


  1. Hi Eliza, I've found your blog and read it this evening for a while. I am sorry you are struggling right now:(
    I think I can relate a bit to your situation, because I am "recovered" anorexic- my weight is restored far beyond my safe low end of normal, but my mindset kind of doesn't follow that my body that fast and sometimes I feel really trapped in big body (which is normal, but it is relative after 10 years of anorexia) and disordered thouhts. But I have hope and I won't give up. I hope you won't give your fight with ED either! Nothing is impossible. You've written it. Hang in there! xxx

  2. Hey Eliza,
    Just wondering how things are going.