My mood is neutral today. The weather is incredible and sunlight has given me a considerable dose of happy for today but on the other hand, my therapist is so frustrating she makes me want to tear off my own head and eat it. Well maybe not eat it...no extra calories for me no thank you.
I feel like I'm making little bits of progress every day but whenever I start saying hopeful and optimistic things about recovery or myself in general, she gets all defensive and says things like, "Yes... but you've got a long way to go." Ummm... DUH! What am I, stupid? I've had an eating disorder for five fucking years I think I've accepted the fact that it's gonna take a while for it to ever really fade out of my life. ARgh! Then I changed the subject and told her about some urges I have been having lately, particularly exercise urges. My cardio urges come in waves throughout the day. Basically for about five or ten minutes all I can think about is moving around and getting my legs moving but then I distract myself and it subsides. So I tell her how proud I am of myself for not giving into ED behaviors or whatever and she says she's happy too. So I pause and clear my throat before casually asking how much longer I'll have to wait till I get to return to the gym. She says, "If you're still needing to ask that, you're not ready."
Anyone else ever feel like their therapist is a judgmental poopie head?
mine is. ugh! its so hard to deal with. all she asks about is how my urges are and how my sleep is!
ReplyDeleteSometimes, but not too much, but that's ok. I can understand that you would be mad that she discounts your progress, though I can see why she is doing it...sort of.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!!
Yeah. I guess she just wants me to get better is all...
ReplyDeleteMegan- Thanks for reading! I've been catching up on your blog tooooo. Sounds like things are tough right now. Stay hopeful though. I had anorexia when I was your age and I know it's hard to imagine a life without restriction and exercise every day but I swear it gets better. Just takes time!!
Judgemental poopie head? You have the greatest phrase there. I can't say that about mine. I do think that sometimes she want's me to see something that I just don't. I think I do try her patience sometimes. But she is ok most of the time.
ReplyDeleteGood luck you can hold it together.