Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Two steps forward, one step back

Today started off much better than yesterday. Breakfast at program went totally fine- in fact, by the time my dad dropped me off this morning I'd already been up for two hours and the last thing I'd eaten was my pittance of a dinner the night before so I was ravenous. My breakfast meal plan calls for 2 grains, 1 fat, 1 fruit, and 1 milk. It sounds like a lot but I was perfectly comfortable eating 3/4 of a cup of low fat granola (2 grains, 1 fat), 8 oz. of soy milk (1 protein), and an apple (1 fruit).

Later on in the day we met with the nutritionist; this tiny blond doll who obviously weighs like 70 lbs. I hate that. Anyways, she brought with her bunch of commonly found food items at Starbucks like muffins, scones, bagels, parfait, sandwich etc.. then had us go through each one and guess how many exchanges they were worth. I suck at this game- I gave muffins and scones 4 grains and 5 fats when in reality they're like 2 grains and 2 fats. Just goes to show how screwed up I am!

No exercise freak outs today. It was my Dad's birthday so I spent the afternoon picking out gifts at the mall with my little sister and that provided a nice distraction. I started going off the meal plan later in the day though. I skipped both my afternoon and evening snack, then when we went out for dinner I picked at my plate of salad. I'm really not supposed to be restricting at this point- no wiggle room with meal plans! It's not like I'm at a dangerously low weight or anything but the program considers it just as serious as purging or bingeing and all of these eating disordered behaviors are cheating treatment.

I'm sleepy now so I'll turn in. My stomach is growling. I feel so guilty about it- being dishonest with the meal plan, denying my body food that it rightfully deserves, all of it.


  1. I have the same frustration with restriction and not being underweight. It is sooo easy to rationalize the restricting as okay when everyone in my life is trying to halt the behavior.

    I hope the program continues to get better!

  2. Hopefully you will start eating when you get home too. Your body and mind need it.

  3. Do they weigh you at this program? If they do, do they do it blind? Just wondering.

    Oh and your body deserves food. I would love a scone.

  4. Yeah the weigh ins are blind. We step on the scale backwards and there's a post-it over the number that only the other person can check. I'm fine with it. Numbers are triggering and always lead to some destructive behavior.