Saturday, October 23, 2010

Get out of my head!!

Okay, so I have these weird little ED obsessive thoughts about certain foods that I've really only developed over the past year, and I guess I want to start trying to work against them. It's this thought that certain foods are only for certain occasions. For example, trail mix is only for hiking so I can't eat it unless I'm hiking, or, sandwiches are a lunch food so I can't have sandwiches for dinner, eggs are a breakfast food so having an omelet for dinner would be inappropriate. You get what I mean. Anyways, the irrational thought/fear behind these beliefs is that if I do have something like say, oatmeal for dinner, my body will know that it's not dinner food and it will somehow show in my weight.

I KNOW these are crazy rationalizations that my eating disorder is just trying to torture me with, but it's getting in the way of stuff. OH HERE'S ANOTHER GOOD ONE!!! I have to space out my vegetables throughout the day even though I'd rather just eat them at dinner. Why? Because if I try to pack in my two to three servings of veggies at dinner my body will know that I haven't had any all day and I'm just trying to make up for it so then I'll gain weight. Wtf, right?

To be fair, it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago. Over the summer if I had wanted a cheese stick at 5:45 p.m. I wouldn't let myself have one because I was convinced that if I did my body would think I was having a cheese stick for dinner and think I'm eating strangely. So what would happen then is I would just binge... because I figured that my body already must think I'm disordered to have cheese right before dinner so I might as well binge and call it a day.

The whole reason I bring this up is because it's just after 8:00 p.m. I haven't had dinner yet, but I'm not insanely hungry so all I want is a greek yogurt. My ED says, "Yogurt for dinner is inappropriate, so just skip dinner altogether." I most likely won't skip dinner entirely- because I'm sure I'll get more hungry soon. It's just so frustrating!!!!

Does anyone else have these type of intrusive thoughts or beliefs about food?

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