Friday, October 29, 2010

Bothered and bewildered

I am having the most unpleasant feeling right now. No, not the post binge blues, but an entirely different and non food related anxiety- an anxiety I haven't felt this acute since my 8th grade Valentines school dance. Don't make me say it...

The thing is, it's so inappropriate. Not only do I babysit for his children, but the man is at least 25 years older than I am. SO NOTHING CAN OR WILL EVER HAPPEN.

Here's a little background info: you know those children I was babysitting last night, the ones whose mom, Kathryn, is an amazing cook and is super nice? She is his ex-wife. She and Bob got divorced a little over a year ago, because he'd been having an ongoing affair with another woman. Now that they live in separate houses, I tend to babysit at either house on occasion whenever I'm needed. Oh and one of his kids, Helen, is my sister's best friend.

I don't even really want to go into a ton of detail about Bob right now. I might get sick to my stomach if I imagine or fantasize any more. Suffice it to say, he's is not like other dads. I mean men. He's not like other men. Holy shit, do you hear how twisted this sounds? He's just really genuine and sincere and FUNNY and I feel like I can be myself around him. Today he picked me up because he was loaning me his car to drive the kids to soccer practice and stuff after school. As I slid into the driver's seat he said, "So you're okay with driving? You have a license and you know how to steer with something other than your teeth?"

I went beet red in the face. "Oh my god. Did Helen tell you about the time I attempted driving with no hands?"

"It might have come up." He smiled. "But keep your mouth off my steering wheel, please." Then I said something about how I must be a terrible role model for his kids and he said, "I think you can do goofy stuff and still be a good role model." It's moments like these when I wonder if there's even the slightest possibility that he might like me too. Again later, after he'd paid me and I was walking down the hall to leave, he caught up with me because he wanted to show me something. Turns out it was just some posters he'd bought for Helen's room- one that photo of Earth taken from the moon, and the other poster was of Rosie the Riveter and that "We can do it" quote. It was so sweet, he said he wanted Helen to have that poster so she knows that there's nothing she can't do.

I don't think it's love. I mean, I don't think that I'm in love with him. I've heard that if you don't know whether or not you're in love, then you probably aren't. I don't think I've ever been in love.

Anyways, I hope this is just a fleeting crush. But I also don't think I've ever wanted anyone this much. I don't know what to do.

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