Today sucked major balls, emotion and behavior wise. It was Rachel's birthday (little sis is turning eleven!), and she had a party with all her friends. My mom hired this guy to come and show us his exotic animals for an hour and half. It was cool. He brought a woodchuck, a cockatoo, a python, flying squirrel, tarantula, alligator. It was quite a show. The excitement proved too much for me though, so I ended up feeling anxious all over the place. I really wanted to go running but I couldn't just ditch my little sister's party so I sort of just stuck around and munched on chips and m&m's. All in all I wouldn't call today a binge... I mean, I had cake and ice cream and seconds for dinner and then more candy but so did everyone else! It's just really hard when my mom pulls me aside and asks if I'm okay because she sees me eating more than usual. It's unfair is what it is. Everyone else gets to enjoy the celebration with a little extra food but it's like the moment I look like I'm overeating people assume I'm having a nervous breakdown.
When my mom asked about how much I ate, I started crying. She insisted it wasn't the amount of food she was concerned about so much as the "shift in my mood." She says she can tell when I'm getting worked up about something. I told her it was because I wanted to go running but I couldn't. I wanted to get away for a little bit but I couldn't, and that put me on edge. I feel awfully guilty crying in front of my mom because she is the last person who would ever act out emotionally or impulsively. My mom never cries. She's super sweet and very empathetic, but never really feels out of control and upset like I do. Sometimes I wish we were more similar. I wish that she could be more like me or I could be more like her, but there is no rhyme or reason to the genes that determine personality and brain chemistry.
Anyways, I felt a little better talking about it with her, but, like most heartfelt and serious conversations, I felt brutally probed and vulnerable afterwards. I cried some more by myself, and then engaged in a little self harm to try and bring myself back to baseline. Speaking of which, in regards to this blog, I've been wondering whether or not to acknowledge self harm behavior when it occurs. It's not an ED behavior, but it's still a maladaptive coping mechanism that I've been turning to recently, so for all intents and purposes I feel like I should mention it. I don't want to write about it though if it puts people off or makes you guys think I'm weak and deranged. I'll be okay. I think.
Hey, can I get some credit though? I haven't binged at all yet this month and today didn't even come close to the amount of food I usually gorge on.