Thursday, September 9, 2010

Who am I?

Well today was a total waste of a holiday. Most people had off from school or work but I spent the morning and afternoon driving around aimlessly, riddled with random anxious thoughts. Actually "thoughts" is too specific a word. Sometimes I just have days where I'm not thinking clearly, so everything sort of fogs up and thoughts and feelings are no longer organized in an understandable fashion. The only thing left is really intense negative energy. Argh! It's so hard to explain. I sound like a psycho trying to articulate it. Anyways, I was driving to the gym but all of a sudden I lost the desire to work out, or maybe I couldn't really process the fact that I wanted to go, so I just kept driving around. I drove and drove and thought about bingeing to make the bad energy go away. But then I remembered that bingeing is what got me fat and getting even fatter wasn't a good call. So I started picking at my arm with a credit card, because sometimes physical pain brings me back to reality. I stopped picking just as I was about to break the skin though. I stopped and got out, went into Newbury Comics and bought a keychain of a little watermelon with eyes.

By the time I got home I felt a little better but still antsy and bingey. I ate a luna bar and then went running. I ran to the High School then home again. Not very fast though. I suck at running.

I wonder why I didn't want to go to the gym today. Any thoughts? It was just like all of a sudden my mind stopped working and I didn't know what I wanted. Does that sound insane? I'm not crazy.

Tomorrow is Friday. Fridays are fun. I really need to find a job. My dad asks me just about every evening if I've heard back from all these different places that I told him I would apply to. I miss school. What on earth possessed me to put it off another semester? I'm already counting down the days until January when I can return to college, FINALLY take my life back, and discover who I'm truly supposed to be. Often on days like these, when my mind does that thing where it stops working, I get worried about who I am and what I'm going to do or be like when I'm all grown up. I hope it's not anything like the way I am now... oh god. That's what I'm worried about.

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