Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dark clouds

Well yesterday was my honest to god last appointment with Dr. Biteme ever. Hopefully the last one. You never know. I'm actually super tempted to go back and see her in another couple months or whenever I lose this weight just to prove to her that I'm capable of restriction. She's always thought that I could never be truly anorexic because whenever I restrict I ultimately end up bingeing at some point, and lately I've been really wanting to prove her wrong. Isn't that twisted?

I've always had moments of sadness and grieving for the loss of my thinner body, but lately, especially at night, it's all I can think about. Certain images are clouding my mind when I try to fall asleep and it's very painful and unnerving. I lie there in bed trying drift off and all I can see is myself 6 months ago- running off to class in my size two jeans, wondering excitedly when I can check my reflection again in the mirror, counting down the days till I go home and all my friends can see how awesome I look. I don't know why these obsessive thoughts and memories are especially bad right now, but they're making my will to lose weight stronger than it's been in a long time.

This week has been good on the food front. No binges since Sunday, and not a lot of restriction either. Exchange wise, I'm probably coming in just ever so slightly under what my meal plan calls for. But this is okay I figure, since I'm still eating when I'm hungry and not ignoring hunger cues. My hope is that after a couple weeks of steady balanced eating, I can start taking out snacks or other exchanges here and there without going into panic binge mode. I don't want it to feel like restriction. Even when I was at a super low weight last fall it didn't really feel like restriction because I had my body totally browbeaten into running on so few calories.

And now it's almost ten o' clock and I am terrified of going to sleep.


  1. Well I hope you did sleep. I also hope you are seeing someone else. Those thoughts need to be addressed. They are real ED thoughts. And guess what ANA's BINGE! Some of the purge. Your too worked up on the definition and need to work on getting better. All better not just size 2 or prove it someone else.

    that part where you want to be able to just eat and not purge, restict or anything just eat. That's the best part. That is the you that will be sane and healthy.

  2. hehe i was completly ana before i learned how to purge... and this person totally right.. WE BINGE... and a damn lot too...and dont forget all the tears and pain that it took to bring you to where u are now... healthy... good luck and dont let ED's bitching bring you down... underweight looks way worse than healthy anyway... if u dont belive me look at one of my pictures... stay strong girll... <3... ED is totallly not worth it