Thursday, August 5, 2010
Crazy shit hitting the fan
I think I'm having an psychotic episode because I feel like my chest is really tight and sore and going to burst and I can't stop crying even as I type this. I really want to binge right now and at the same time bingeing is impossible because I am more committed than ever to losing this weight and above all proving that I am stronger than my eating disorder. I had a binge urge about ten minutes ago so I drove to the supermarket to buy ice cream and I hadn't even pulled into the parking lot before something attacked me. Did I just have a binge urge and a restriction urge at the same time only no no no because there are no words to describe what I just went through so no that doesn't work. That is why I think I'm having a real breakdown because I can't relax my lungs and I think I'm choking. Later on I'm going to read this post and realize that everything I'm saying sounds incredibly cliche and hackneyed but I can't care right now because I can't make it stop. Why wouldn't bingeing work? Why couldn't I just buy five fucking jars of Nutella and go home and at least end the urge? WHAT IS GOING ON?! I just want to know why this is happening and why I feel like there is a pillow over my face because did I mention that there isn't any air going in? OH MY GOD. It would be different if I WANTED to binge and waited out the urge but this is something new and weird and very complicated. I want more than anything to WANT to binge but I just don't want to right now. What else am I supposed to do? Every time I talk myself into grabbing the car keys and going back to the store I can't quiet the voices of everyone who wants me to get better. During a binge I usually disregard all the skills and advice I've ever gotten because I don't want to feel guilty but so many reasons not to engage in bingeing are coming to mind right now I just can't ignore them. And as I'm writing this sentence my cheeks are dry so I think I'm done with the sobbing jag and now the only thing that still hurts is my chest and my heart.