Thursday, August 5, 2010

Crazy shit hitting the fan

I think I'm having an psychotic episode because I feel like my chest is really tight and sore and going to burst and I can't stop crying even as I type this. I really want to binge right now and at the same time bingeing is impossible because I am more committed than ever to losing this weight and above all proving that I am stronger than my eating disorder. I had a binge urge about ten minutes ago so I drove to the supermarket to buy ice cream and I hadn't even pulled into the parking lot before something attacked me. Did I just have a binge urge and a restriction urge at the same time only no no no because there are no words to describe what I just went through so no that doesn't work. That is why I think I'm having a real breakdown because I can't relax my lungs and I think I'm choking. Later on I'm going to read this post and realize that everything I'm saying sounds incredibly cliche and hackneyed but I can't care right now because I can't make it stop. Why wouldn't bingeing work? Why couldn't I just buy five fucking jars of Nutella and go home and at least end the urge? WHAT IS GOING ON?! I just want to know why this is happening and why I feel like there is a pillow over my face because did I mention that there isn't any air going in? OH MY GOD. It would be different if I WANTED to binge and waited out the urge but this is something new and weird and very complicated. I want more than anything to WANT to binge but I just don't want to right now. What else am I supposed to do? Every time I talk myself into grabbing the car keys and going back to the store I can't quiet the voices of everyone who wants me to get better. During a binge I usually disregard all the skills and advice I've ever gotten because I don't want to feel guilty but so many reasons not to engage in bingeing are coming to mind right now I just can't ignore them. And as I'm writing this sentence my cheeks are dry so I think I'm done with the sobbing jag and now the only thing that still hurts is my chest and my heart.

1 comment:

  1. It sucks when it hits you both ways like that. But it's good too, cause you don't know which destructive behavior to engage in so you kind of don't.

    Hope you are feeling better.