Today was Saturday. I legitimately woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, JUST LIKE LAST WEEK. I think that subconsciously I'm somehow trying to make up for the five days a week that I don't get to sleep in by sleeping for sixteen hours a night on the weekends... which is dumb though because ultimately I'm just screwing up my days and nights, right? Ugh, whatever. What is done cannot be undone.
So after eating "breakfast" at around 5:00 I went to the gym and decided to work out for an hour and half to tire myself out. Sometimes I do that. Work out, not so much to burn calories but so that I'll be super tired and ready for bed at the right time.
Ohmygod I almost forgot to mention. Yesterday I had my weekly session with Dr. Bitemebitemebiteme and it was so unproductive and stupid I could scream. I told her about how the past couple weeks have been tough in terms of sticking to the meal plan and bingeing and what not. I mentioned how I had two or three days without bingeing last week and I felt good about it. She said, "Really? Two or three days is a success for you now?" It was funny. I did that thing after people say something stupid or mean where I just pause because I want them to realize what they just said. Obviously though, since this is Dr. Biteme we're talking about, there was no realization and she just went on looking smug.
I said, "Well I dunno. Last week Amy came over and we watched a movie and she brought me a box of Milk Duds. I ate them without driving to the store after she left to buy more food for a binge so I thought that was a success."
"How big was the box?"
"Uhhh... I guess maybe like this." And I showed her what five or six inches looked like between my index fingers.
"And you ate the whole thing?" Aaaaghh! I wanted to pull her hair. Eating a box of candy like when you go out with friends or when you go to the movies is a normalized food experience isn't it? What is wrong with her? And who says that to someone with an eating disorder?! Anyways, she goes on to question whether or not Amy should have even brought candy for me in the first place. She asked, "Doesn't she know you have an eating disorder?"
"Yeah she does. But since I'm not skinny anymore she probably just thinks I'm bulimic or something."
"You are bulimic."
"No I'm not."
"Yes. You are a non-purging bulimic."
I thought about this accusation. "I dunno..." Then I started off into this analogy that I came up with off the top of my head. It didn't really work. "There are some people who you think are rich but are actually broke, and the only reason you think they have a lot of money is because they have fancy cars and designer clothes when in reality they just spend all of it so it only LOOKS like they are rich." I have no idea where I was trying to go with this but in my head it seemed a lot like the definition of a "non-purging bulimic."
She ignored this and proceeded to plow through technical definitions of bulimia and other eating disorders of the like while I tuned out and thought about kangaroos. You know the inside of their pouches are lined with mucous? Blegh.
She spent the rest of the session wanting to me think about whether or not I think I'm really ready to go back to school. Uhh... DUH. Who the hell cares if I'm still struggling with this shit? I just need a change of scenery.
It is now almost midnight which, since I only woke up like eight hours ago, puts us at around noon in Eliza time.