Monday, July 26, 2010

A constructive little light at end of tunnel

I actually called in sick to work this morning because of how massively I binged last night. It sucked and I felt really bad about it. So today I ended up rolling out of bed at around 2:30 in the afternoon and feeling like shit and wanting to binge again. I literally had my shoes on and car keys in hand, ready to drive over to the store and buy a jar of Nutella. But in all honesty, that felt even shittier so I decided to come back upstairs and blog about it instead.

This is the reasoning I come up with in my head when it comes to deciding whether or not to binge: I figure that I'm already heavy, I'm already unhappy, and as much as I would like to lose this weight and undo the damage of the past six months, the only thing that really comforts me and makes me feel at ease in the moment is eating tons of sugar.

When I was in treatment there was this woman named Liz who told us that when it comes to using behaviors, she wanted us to be "informed consumers." She said that the sad reality is that behaviors work. They work better than anything else most of the time; Better than skills, talking about it, writing about it...etc. However, obviously they aren't working in the long run because... well, we're in treatment. So then what do you do when you feel like behaviors are the only option? Make a pros and cons list before engaging in it. That way, no matter what, regardless of whether you end up giving in or finding an alternative, at least with a list you know what you're getting yourself into. I guess this morning for the first time in a while the cons outweighed the pros in my head. I shall not get cocky, however. EVERY EFFING TIME I rejoice in a success story on my blog I end up jinxing it within 24 hours.

Son of a nutcracker. I can't believe I slept this late. It is now 3:00 in the afternoon. Well at least I learned something today. That's the best thing you can about any day, really, that you learned something.


  1. "informed consumer..." <--cool concept! Even though you struggle with behaviors still, you always keep going forward, and I really admire that. That's how you'll get to where you deserve to be.

  2. lol yes I'm STILL struggling with behaviors. There was a time when I was in treatment when I thought DBT and a meal plan would cure me but I'm gradually coming to accept the fact that my ED will never be curable. Only manageable.

  3. You don't jinx it that is just life. It's up's and downs. I think you are doing great, and sleeping in every now and then is fine. Just don't disect the hampster. Of course freezing him is a little weird as well. Hope it's going great for you.