Do you ever think that by maybe altering one area of your life, everything else would suddenly fall into place? This might sound ridiculous but think about it- how many of you have ever thought something like, if I could just lose five more pounds I would be so much more outgoing, or if only I had a boyfriend/girlfriend then I wouldn't be so lonely all the time, or if I lived in a warmer climate I wouldn't be depressed. I tell myself stuff like this all the time (not so much the boyfriend one though. The only guys I've ever known were stupid and horrible). I like to imagine there is a quick-fix for my problems and while I guess I know it's unreasonable to expect this, I'm starting to think there could be some truth behind the belief. Take my job at the ice cream store for example... I have worked incredibly hard to become rational and composed around food. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, I'll have a cookie if someone happens to be baking them, and I know when I'm feeling emotional hunger vs. physical hunger. But when I'm at the store, it's like I'm on a different planet where the meal plan doesn't exist, my hunger cues don't mean shit, and the eating disorder has full rein. So I have to wonder, if I didn't work at an ice cream store, could I, WOULD I, have a shot at leading a normal life around food?
This is not just a rhetorical question that I'm throwing out there into the blogosphere. What do you guys think? I asked my brother and he said (cynic that he is) that if I couldn't binge at work I would probably start doing it at home again. Really? Okay, so lets say I up and quit and took a job working at a book store instead. Am I really still so dependent on bingeing that I would go out of my way to start buying ice cream and junk at grocery stores again? I mean, bingeing at the ice cream store is one thing because how am I supposed to resist with all these sweets taunting me for hours on end? But if I just removed myself from the triggering stimuli, perhaps I'd be closer than ever to that thing called recovery.
Hmm.. I know what you mean about thinking that by removing or adding certain things to your life, everything would be so much simpler, but I don't necessarily know if that's the case.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good job at the ice cream store, and your brother MIGHT be right that you would just do the same thing at home.. Who knows, really? I think that EDs will find a way to find us no matter where we are physically cuz it's more a matter of where we are emotionally.. That make sense?
Anyway Eliza, good luck figuring this one out! I'm sure you'll come to the right conclusion. Does your nutritionist/therapist give you any advice as to how to stop the bingeing at work? just wondering..
Well have a good night! Sorry I couldn't help more :/
<3 Haley
Oh, Haley. Everything you say is helpful :) Marci (nutritionist) has been really heplful in this area. I think the most important thing to remember is never go to work hungry!!
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a good thing to keep in mind! :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I never noticed that you have been responding on here to me until a couple days ago. I've been missing all of these comments! ha
But keep it up Eliza! I love your posts :)