Sunday, February 13, 2011

I wish I could fly an airplane

I haven't posted anything since Thursday because I was waiting in anxious anticipation for our evening with Heather to be over with. I do that a lot. If I'm not looking forward to something I put my life on hold because somehow I imagine my life is over and nothing matters so why blog or why shower or why be nice to people, you know? Anyway, it went better than I thought it would. She was of course, as skinny and pretty as ever and I felt like a sea monster, but it was soon forgotten because I was reminded of how genuinely sweet and wonderful she is. So despite all the yucky jealously on my side it was really nice to see her because I know she cares about me and I love her so much. She came over late in the afternoon and went with us to see my little sister's Artbarn production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I'm glad she came because public events are always so much more fun when you have an extra person to poke fun at them with :) Poor Rachel though. She played the part of Starveling, one of the mechanicals, and every line of hers was delivered with such haste and such embarrassment that it left us all wondering the same thing, "Is she even enjoying this?" My sister is naturally shy and not really a fan of putting herself out there so the fact that she loves performing so much is just a mystery.

After the play we went home had dinner. My mom made lentil soup and we had this really good garlic bread and salad to go along with it. I feel like I ate a lot, which I tend to do on days that I forget to log my food. It wasn't a binge by any means, I just had like three extra helpings of bread because it was really good. Then for dessert I had Boston cream pie but that's okay because everyone else was eating pie too. We watched The Social Network, which was good but I was expecting something a lot better because of all the hype it's been getting. I'd recommend it though. It made me think a lot about quitting Facebook actually. I don't go on it all that much anymore and when I do it's only to get in touch with friends or look at pictures of girls I went to High School with and all that does it make me feel like crap because their lives look so much better than mine. Heather quit Facebook a couple months ago and I guess if she can do it I can too.

I'm working today but luckily my shift is only from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. so I don't have to worry about spending too much time around the ice cream. I think I'll bring a novel to read, my Food and Feelings workbook, dinner, and a maybe a notebook to write in. Tomorrow I'm seeing Dr. Gordon. She's so skinny. I hate that.

Well since it's Sunday again, it's time for me to report any behaviors I had. I'm having trouble figuring out if some of my so called "binge episodes" were actually binges though... like earlier this week I had a lot of ice cream and froyo at the store but then skipped dinner and snack so it didn't physically feel like a binge. And then two days ago I ate half a bag of sweet potato chips and then had salad for dinner because I wasn't hungry. You see, these don't feel like binges because I don't feel a total loss of control in the moment, it's more just me thinking, "Hey I'll have ice cream for dinner cuz I don't want pasta." What is that? I'll have to ask Marci what that counts as. For now lets just called them "Potential ED Episodes."


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