I'm having thoughts. Intrusive thoughts. Thoughts about food. Thoughts about weight. To be specific, thoughts about dieting. Obviously these sorts of thoughts come with the territory of having an eating disorder, but for those of you out there who have tried your hand at recovery- ever noticed that the thoughts tend to get particularly chatty and bothersome once you try leaving behaviors at the door? Its the sad and unfair truth that the books and experts don't warn you about enough. I mean, of course I was prepared for the anxiety and struggle that would ensue after becoming a faithful convert to Marci's meal plan, but here's the thing: Right now, the cons of recovery seem to be outweighing the pros.
Pros of Recovery:
-no instant weight loss
-less hunger now that I get to eat more
Cons of Recovery:
-guilt and shame after eating (even when it's a normal amount!)
-less fantasizing about desserts when I'm bored
-intolerable feelings of inadequacy b/c I'm at this weight
-more free floating anxiety
-increased isolation from people
-constant despair and hopelessness
-I used to be pretty and now I look like a middle aged man
What's the good of doing all this work if I'm not getting anything out of it? I mean, High School was horrible but I stuck through it because I knew it would end after four years. If I had some sort of promise like that for recovery then maybe things would be different but I have no reason to believe that there is a light at the end of THIS tunnel. Huh. Well so far these are just thoughts and I'm wise enough to know that thoughts aren't always there to lead you in the right direction. I just hate hate hate this.
Although maybe it's not the meal plan and the recovery work that's making me feel this way. Maybe it's just the eating disorder trying to fight back somehow. But how could that possibly work? It's not like I'm possessed or anything... GOD this would be so much easier if wasn't so FAT. It's the being fat that's really killing me I think. I've spent my entire adult life trying to get to a weight I could be satisfied with and then the few times I actually did, it was awesome, but it was so much work staying there. I can't remember a time when I wasn't trying to lose weight, and now the desire to be thin is still stronger than ever, but I've given up the methods and practices of actually losing weight. This sucks.