Issues here and there

It's almost ten o' clock Sunday night. I'm exhausted but I can't fall asleep because every time I lie down I get so hot I want to take off my skin!!

Mom, dad and little Sis are off and away on a Quaker retreat in Maine this weekend. I was planning to go but I have a cumulative Anthropology test on Tuesday so if went I'd only end up studying the whole time anyways. I'm really anxious about it actually... I haven't taken a test since High School. I go to a college that places much more emphasis on class participation and super long analytical essays than tests. I HATE TESTS!

Today was a good day. I've been going SO FAR OFF my meal plan lately but today I managed to get back on track so I feel a lot more confident about the coming week.

I ordered a book on amazon called The Food and Feelings Workbook that my nutritionist recommended. I love getting things in the mail. It'll like a late b-day present! Only I'm paying for it... and it's ED related. So never mind it's not a present it's just recovery stuff.

I'M SO BORED. I shouldn't even be allowed to blog when I'm this bored because I have absolutely nothing new to share with the world.

Well I guess I have a weird thing I could put out there...

Today I went grocery shopping because I started thinking about different dinners I could do this week and I got really excited about squash. Anyways, I started doing this really weird thing that I totally used to do when I was in heavy restriction mode. Basically anytime I pick out a food item, I compare to the identical other ones surrounding it because I start thinking that if I don't choose the perfectly unbruised apple, or the perfectly uncrushed bag of pretzels, somehow it'll effect the number on the scale.

So how long does it take to pick out a squash? 30 seconds? It took 10 minutes. 3 minutes for the acorn squash and SEVEN minutes for the butternut. By the time I left the store I felt like my brain had melted a little bit. The weirdest part was that I felt like I'd engaged in a behavior even though I hadn't physically done anything to myself WITH food.

Today was a non-day

Today I woke up super early because I had a therapy appointment at 10 a.m. and I wanted to wash my hair before. Plus I didn't have a car so I had to leave enough time to get there by public transportation.

Afterwards I came home and studied because I didn't know what else to do, then after two hours of that I ate a sandwich and promptly fell asleep. When I woke up it was dinner time and I felt like I'd lost a day of my life.

Anyways, now I feel nauseous and my back is killing me.

I hid my scale in a really good spot. In my sister's play room there's this opening in the ceiling where an attic would be. It's gross and filled with that sketchy pink insulation but I covered my face with a towel and dragged the scale up with me. It's buried somewhere up there now so if I want to weigh myself it'll take way too much effort. I've decided to try and go a month without weighing myself. I really have no idea if I'll be able to do it but I figure it's been a while since I challenged the eating disorder so what the hell.

I'd also like to go a month without thinking about food in general... yeah right.

Birthday girl

Today is my birthday! I'm twenty! Two decades! One fifth of a century! In another ten years I'll be thirty! Jesus...

The day has been okay. My cousin was the only one who remembered to wish me happy birthday; everyone else needed a reminder and a jab in the ribs.

I think we're all going out to dinner tonight as a family then coming home for cake and presents. I decided that since it's my birthday I'm going to put aside all my issues with food just for tonight and not care about what goes in my mouth. Obviously I shouldn't get in the habit of ALWAYS allowing that sort of black and white thinking but you know what? May 26th only comes once a year so I think I'm entitled.

Also, I'm refusing to leave the house because its 95 degrees outside and I'm afraid of getting heat sickness.

The last night

I just got home from my very last night of IOP. I am now officially discharged from treatment and released back into the world. We had our traditional discharge rock ceremony- everyone wrote a word they think describes me or my recovery on this cute little stone and then I get to have and hold it forever. I love the words: Believe, motivation, fun, tenacity, shine, colorful, and my personal favorite, deserving.

I'm sad and a little scared. Sad because I'm saying goodbye to a group of women I never imagined existed. We're all so profoundly similar, and not just because of the eating disorder but because of all the other shit it has done to our lives. But I'm scared too. Scared because I know I'm far from being recovered. I still have behaviors. Less of them, but still. I'm still bingeing. I'm still restricting.

Remember I didn't even want to do treatment? My parents made me. I didn't want to recover. I get frustrated when people expect me to embrace a process I was forced into. I'm not on board with recovery yet. Maybe I'll want it more someday. It's devastating to say and I'm sorry if it's triggering but that's the truth. I learned A TON about my eating disorder. I really did. But even so I still want to carry it around with me like my own fuzzy security blanket. I still WANT to fall back on restriction when I feel lonely and confused, and I still look forward to my next binge episode.

Anyways. That's that. Somehow I wish my treatment had a happier ending like, I'm cured! People ask me that you know; neighbors, friends, cousins... they say, "Did it work?" As if I've been doing rounds of chemotherapy and just waiting for the doctor to tell me I'm all clear.

That is depressing, and it's okay. I'll be okay. I don't want this post to sound like I'm giving up or threatening to relapse into oblivion. I'm just being honest. That's what this blog is for. This is my life and I'm working on it.

It's a little bit funny

So last night after dinner I cozied up on the couch to study and eat a blow pop when all of a sudden my cell phone rang. I hate it when my phone rings. Maybe it's just the ring tone (it's been set to the song London Calling by The Clash for almost two years) but for some reason whenever that little bastard starts blaring I freak out. I automatically assume one of the following: a) emergency- someone died b) forgot to do something or missed an appointment c) a friend wants to see me. Well last night it was c) and so I went out with my friend Sarah and we rented a movie. It sort of blew at first. I was really body conscious so I wore this super long toga-like sweatshirt that went down to my knees. I forgot how much I used to eat around Sarah in high school so when we got to her house she had already made me my own popcorn in a huge salad bowl. It was really sweet actually. She melted the butter herself and even put out parmesan cheese and m&m's to go with it. I felt insanely restrictive, which is not surprising because those urges are first and foremost lately, but sometimes you gotsta be polite and make your friends happy so I ate a respectable amount.

Here's the weird part... when I weighed myself at the gym today to see how much damage the popcorn had done, I was actually FIVE POUNDS lighter than the day before. Obviously this is a fluke. I mean it would be wonderful if I could lose five actual pounds in 24 hours but I'm pretty sure it's just water shifting around. Either that or someone snuck into my room last night and removed one of my internal organs...

No title because titles are stupid and my life is giant pile of poop

Okay so just for the record, I DID end up eating dinner last night. As frusterating as it is feeling like a failure and fatty at the same time, I was able to throw some Trader Joe's taquitos in the oven and eat them with my brother.

My mom sat me down to talk about how worried she is about me. "Very, very, worried," is how she put it. Apparently my unwillingness to see friends and hang out with people is concering the family. Most of my friends are home for the summer but I've been avoiding and isolative. I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANYONE. Why can't they just accept the fact that maybe I'm a hermit?

The truth is though... that I don't want my friends to see my weight and think I'm back to normal or whatever. Non-eating disordered people tend to get this wacky idea that just because you're maintaining a healthy weight you must be all better. This could not be more false. If anything you're worse because all the thoughts and obsessions are still there but you just can't get away with acting on them as easily.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I wish my life was simple and lovely and filled with small animals, and there would be no judgements or fighting or grades or meal plans.

My mom is INSUFFERABLE

I'm going to rant and bitch. My mother is being absolutely the most irritating person in the whole entire effing world. So I'm sitting on the couch upstairs, pouring over my notes on genetics because the whole concept makes no sense whatsoever, and then she goes, "Hey I never got to look at your evaluations from last semester." (At my school we get written assessments instead of grades). First of all, this is false. I read them to her while she was washing dishes four months ago. Okay, so maybe she wasn't paying the closest of attention. Anyways, I did awesomely in just about everything. My teachers called me names like dedicated, authentic, rigorous, and astute. My french teacher described my language skills as "almost flawless." However, towards the end of the semester I sort of threw in the towel on the final paper because I really just didn't give a shit. My eval talked about how the paper didn't go into enough depth and stuff.

Anyways, does anybody else have parents who ONLY FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE?! It bites. I can literally never win with these people. When I do well its like, "Well that's nice, that's what you're supposed to do." But when I don't do well they act like I hurt their feelings or something.

Dinner time. Not hungry in the slightest and I'm really depressed so I don't even care that I'm skipping.