Thursday, August 5, 2010
Crazy shit hitting the fan
I think I'm having an psychotic episode because I feel like my chest is really tight and sore and going to burst and I can't stop crying even as I type this. I really want to binge right now and at the same time bingeing is impossible because I am more committed than ever to losing this weight and above all proving that I am stronger than my eating disorder. I had a binge urge about ten minutes ago so I drove to the supermarket to buy ice cream and I hadn't even pulled into the parking lot before something attacked me. Did I just have a binge urge and a restriction urge at the same time only no no no because there are no words to describe what I just went through so no that doesn't work. That is why I think I'm having a real breakdown because I can't relax my lungs and I think I'm choking. Later on I'm going to read this post and realize that everything I'm saying sounds incredibly cliche and hackneyed but I can't care right now because I can't make it stop. Why wouldn't bingeing work? Why couldn't I just buy five fucking jars of Nutella and go home and at least end the urge? WHAT IS GOING ON?! I just want to know why this is happening and why I feel like there is a pillow over my face because did I mention that there isn't any air going in? OH MY GOD. It would be different if I WANTED to binge and waited out the urge but this is something new and weird and very complicated. I want more than anything to WANT to binge but I just don't want to right now. What else am I supposed to do? Every time I talk myself into grabbing the car keys and going back to the store I can't quiet the voices of everyone who wants me to get better. During a binge I usually disregard all the skills and advice I've ever gotten because I don't want to feel guilty but so many reasons not to engage in bingeing are coming to mind right now I just can't ignore them. And as I'm writing this sentence my cheeks are dry so I think I'm done with the sobbing jag and now the only thing that still hurts is my chest and my heart.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sushi & time machines. Wish I had a time machine.
Just wrapped up a somewhat tedious but altogether wholesome evening with Amy. We ordered sushi and watched Hot Tub Time Machine. At the movie rental place she was like, "You will LOVE this movie I watched it a couple weeks ago and the whole time I could not stop thinking about how much you would LOVE this movie." I was like, great. I wanted to get Shutter Island but whatever. I felt uncomfortable disagreeing with her. Anyways, the movie was so bad I'm actually offended that she thought I would enjoy it. Now I'm wondering to myself, wow. She must think I am the most unsophisticated person in the world. I mean, I love ridiculous movies. I am the first one in the theater when a new Adam Sandler stinker comes out and I am always up for a mindless romantic comedy but Hot Tub Time Machine is just... subhuman. No offense to those of you who liked it.
The sushi was delectable though. I got these vegetarian rolls stuffed with tempura yams and mushrooms and seaweed, then wrapped in mango. It's a good thing we drove home with the food because if we had stuck around I'd have ordered like fifty of them.
Speaking of life on the food front, things are steady for the time being. I'm following the meal plan I was on in program... with a few tweaks here and there that I made. Basically I'm eating three meals and three snacks a day but leaving out five or six exchanges altogether. Dangerous, I know. It's only going to set me up for hunger and frustration, which will ultimately lead to unmanageable binge urges and blah blah blah but at this point I'm so fucking huge I could care less. I have a good thirty pounds to lose. Remember when I used to talk about only needing to drop eight? Ugh. Those were the days. As it stands, about twenty of the thirty pounds are from binges in the past several weeks, and the other ten is just the healthy weight I took back on from eating enough food when I was in treatment. So I guess if I'm being rational I really only need to lose twenty pounds. It's still a lot! And I hate waiting for it to come off! Luckily I'm not weighing myself. I refuse. No good will come of looking at those disastrous numbers because they will only smother my hope of ever being thin again.
Whew! Done with that. I'd like to change the subject so that this post doesn't end on such a sorrowful note. But what to write? Hmmm... have I mentioned how excited I am for my family to come home on Sunday!? I can't wait to see them! I also can't wait to relinquish the plant watering and hamster restoration duties. It will be nice to go back to being a guest in my house as opposed to a caretaker.
The sushi was delectable though. I got these vegetarian rolls stuffed with tempura yams and mushrooms and seaweed, then wrapped in mango. It's a good thing we drove home with the food because if we had stuck around I'd have ordered like fifty of them.
Speaking of life on the food front, things are steady for the time being. I'm following the meal plan I was on in program... with a few tweaks here and there that I made. Basically I'm eating three meals and three snacks a day but leaving out five or six exchanges altogether. Dangerous, I know. It's only going to set me up for hunger and frustration, which will ultimately lead to unmanageable binge urges and blah blah blah but at this point I'm so fucking huge I could care less. I have a good thirty pounds to lose. Remember when I used to talk about only needing to drop eight? Ugh. Those were the days. As it stands, about twenty of the thirty pounds are from binges in the past several weeks, and the other ten is just the healthy weight I took back on from eating enough food when I was in treatment. So I guess if I'm being rational I really only need to lose twenty pounds. It's still a lot! And I hate waiting for it to come off! Luckily I'm not weighing myself. I refuse. No good will come of looking at those disastrous numbers because they will only smother my hope of ever being thin again.
Whew! Done with that. I'd like to change the subject so that this post doesn't end on such a sorrowful note. But what to write? Hmmm... have I mentioned how excited I am for my family to come home on Sunday!? I can't wait to see them! I also can't wait to relinquish the plant watering and hamster restoration duties. It will be nice to go back to being a guest in my house as opposed to a caretaker.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Tonight I cook
I think someone once told me that the more time and effort you put into creating what you eat, the more likely you will be to savor and appreciate it. Although maybe no one told me this at all... because come to think of it that assertion sounds a lot more like common sense than a wise observation. So never mind that first part. Tonight I take my first step in a journey of a thousand miles: I re-attempt cooking.
I've definitely fallen into a pattern of thinking that food is just calories so just eat it and be done with it. While this is true, that mindset is not a healthy step towards vanquishing the binge demon (I've been watching a lot of Charmed re-runs), and taking control of my life. For dinner I'm starting relatively simple: baked potato with cheese and then this fancy brussels sprouts dish I found in a magazine. You chop up the sprouts and braise them in olive oil and shallots, then add some brown sugar and mustard and it's actually quite nummy. Heather likes brussels sprouts too so everyone will be pleased. And by everyone I mean all two of us.
The rest of the gang is in Michigan still. I miss them. My brother most of all. I haven't seen him since the beginning of July when he first left to work on the farm. Oh and by the way (maybe I'll talk more about it later maybe not because I don't really feel like going into it right now), I'm not going after all. I'm still not sure what the underlying psychological reasons are behind my reluctance to spend four lovely weeks on the celestial peninsula of Traverse City. I can't remember a summer where I didn't spend at least a month there and now all of a sudden I won't go? Huh. We shall unravel the mystery later on when I have more time.
I've definitely fallen into a pattern of thinking that food is just calories so just eat it and be done with it. While this is true, that mindset is not a healthy step towards vanquishing the binge demon (I've been watching a lot of Charmed re-runs), and taking control of my life. For dinner I'm starting relatively simple: baked potato with cheese and then this fancy brussels sprouts dish I found in a magazine. You chop up the sprouts and braise them in olive oil and shallots, then add some brown sugar and mustard and it's actually quite nummy. Heather likes brussels sprouts too so everyone will be pleased. And by everyone I mean all two of us.
The rest of the gang is in Michigan still. I miss them. My brother most of all. I haven't seen him since the beginning of July when he first left to work on the farm. Oh and by the way (maybe I'll talk more about it later maybe not because I don't really feel like going into it right now), I'm not going after all. I'm still not sure what the underlying psychological reasons are behind my reluctance to spend four lovely weeks on the celestial peninsula of Traverse City. I can't remember a summer where I didn't spend at least a month there and now all of a sudden I won't go? Huh. We shall unravel the mystery later on when I have more time.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Why not just beat me over the head with a stick?
Today was Saturday. I legitimately woke up at 4:30 in the afternoon, JUST LIKE LAST WEEK. I think that subconsciously I'm somehow trying to make up for the five days a week that I don't get to sleep in by sleeping for sixteen hours a night on the weekends... which is dumb though because ultimately I'm just screwing up my days and nights, right? Ugh, whatever. What is done cannot be undone.
So after eating "breakfast" at around 5:00 I went to the gym and decided to work out for an hour and half to tire myself out. Sometimes I do that. Work out, not so much to burn calories but so that I'll be super tired and ready for bed at the right time.
Ohmygod I almost forgot to mention. Yesterday I had my weekly session with Dr. Bitemebitemebiteme and it was so unproductive and stupid I could scream. I told her about how the past couple weeks have been tough in terms of sticking to the meal plan and bingeing and what not. I mentioned how I had two or three days without bingeing last week and I felt good about it. She said, "Really? Two or three days is a success for you now?" It was funny. I did that thing after people say something stupid or mean where I just pause because I want them to realize what they just said. Obviously though, since this is Dr. Biteme we're talking about, there was no realization and she just went on looking smug.
I said, "Well I dunno. Last week Amy came over and we watched a movie and she brought me a box of Milk Duds. I ate them without driving to the store after she left to buy more food for a binge so I thought that was a success."
"How big was the box?"
"Uhhh... I guess maybe like this." And I showed her what five or six inches looked like between my index fingers.
"And you ate the whole thing?" Aaaaghh! I wanted to pull her hair. Eating a box of candy like when you go out with friends or when you go to the movies is a normalized food experience isn't it? What is wrong with her? And who says that to someone with an eating disorder?! Anyways, she goes on to question whether or not Amy should have even brought candy for me in the first place. She asked, "Doesn't she know you have an eating disorder?"
"Yeah she does. But since I'm not skinny anymore she probably just thinks I'm bulimic or something."
"You are bulimic."
"No I'm not."
"Yes. You are a non-purging bulimic."
I thought about this accusation. "I dunno..." Then I started off into this analogy that I came up with off the top of my head. It didn't really work. "There are some people who you think are rich but are actually broke, and the only reason you think they have a lot of money is because they have fancy cars and designer clothes when in reality they just spend all of it so it only LOOKS like they are rich." I have no idea where I was trying to go with this but in my head it seemed a lot like the definition of a "non-purging bulimic."
She ignored this and proceeded to plow through technical definitions of bulimia and other eating disorders of the like while I tuned out and thought about kangaroos. You know the inside of their pouches are lined with mucous? Blegh.
She spent the rest of the session wanting to me think about whether or not I think I'm really ready to go back to school. Uhh... DUH. Who the hell cares if I'm still struggling with this shit? I just need a change of scenery.
It is now almost midnight which, since I only woke up like eight hours ago, puts us at around noon in Eliza time.
So after eating "breakfast" at around 5:00 I went to the gym and decided to work out for an hour and half to tire myself out. Sometimes I do that. Work out, not so much to burn calories but so that I'll be super tired and ready for bed at the right time.
Ohmygod I almost forgot to mention. Yesterday I had my weekly session with Dr. Bitemebitemebiteme and it was so unproductive and stupid I could scream. I told her about how the past couple weeks have been tough in terms of sticking to the meal plan and bingeing and what not. I mentioned how I had two or three days without bingeing last week and I felt good about it. She said, "Really? Two or three days is a success for you now?" It was funny. I did that thing after people say something stupid or mean where I just pause because I want them to realize what they just said. Obviously though, since this is Dr. Biteme we're talking about, there was no realization and she just went on looking smug.
I said, "Well I dunno. Last week Amy came over and we watched a movie and she brought me a box of Milk Duds. I ate them without driving to the store after she left to buy more food for a binge so I thought that was a success."
"How big was the box?"
"Uhhh... I guess maybe like this." And I showed her what five or six inches looked like between my index fingers.
"And you ate the whole thing?" Aaaaghh! I wanted to pull her hair. Eating a box of candy like when you go out with friends or when you go to the movies is a normalized food experience isn't it? What is wrong with her? And who says that to someone with an eating disorder?! Anyways, she goes on to question whether or not Amy should have even brought candy for me in the first place. She asked, "Doesn't she know you have an eating disorder?"
"Yeah she does. But since I'm not skinny anymore she probably just thinks I'm bulimic or something."
"You are bulimic."
"No I'm not."
"Yes. You are a non-purging bulimic."
I thought about this accusation. "I dunno..." Then I started off into this analogy that I came up with off the top of my head. It didn't really work. "There are some people who you think are rich but are actually broke, and the only reason you think they have a lot of money is because they have fancy cars and designer clothes when in reality they just spend all of it so it only LOOKS like they are rich." I have no idea where I was trying to go with this but in my head it seemed a lot like the definition of a "non-purging bulimic."
She ignored this and proceeded to plow through technical definitions of bulimia and other eating disorders of the like while I tuned out and thought about kangaroos. You know the inside of their pouches are lined with mucous? Blegh.
She spent the rest of the session wanting to me think about whether or not I think I'm really ready to go back to school. Uhh... DUH. Who the hell cares if I'm still struggling with this shit? I just need a change of scenery.
It is now almost midnight which, since I only woke up like eight hours ago, puts us at around noon in Eliza time.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Hamstermergency
Noticed a large protruding mass under Ollie's eye this afternoon and I started catastrophizing. It had a big old scab hanging off of it and he was doing that thing rodents do where they use their little paws to clean their faces. Sometimes when stuff like this happens and I'm home alone I can't help but imagine the worst possible case scenario. In my head I'll see Ollie's swollen face exploding and then he dies slowly and painfully and it's all my fault because I should have saved him.
So I called my Dad who said that if it wasn't too much trouble I should try to clean him up. I could hear Rachel in the background asking questions like, "Is he okay? Is he moving? I knew he'd die while we were away!" I felt guilty for not checking on him as often as my mom specified on the list. Maybe if I even bothered to LOOK at him when I changed his water and food I would have noticed he wasn't okay, you know?
After I got off the phone I literally ran barefoot out the door (couldn't find my shoes), jumped in the car, and gunned it to the drug store for supplies. But what sort of stuff do you get for an abscess on a hamster? I had no idea. I still don't really... I just grabbed some latex gloves, q-tips, and some sort of antiseptic I forget the name of. But it had benzethonium chloride in it.
The actual process of trying to clean his gnarly red sore was unpleasant and really difficult. Ollie is quite squirmy. And did I mention that HE IS VICIOUS?! Every time he twitches or moves his head I think he's about to bite me so I let go and then have to go through the process of picking him up again. Long story short, I guess he's alright for now. I wish I had a little cone to put around his neck to keep him from scratching himself though. I suppose I could fashion one out of a bottle cap...
In terms of food and eating disorder drama- binges today and yesterday. But after tonight it ends forever! I'm serious this time.
Right, Eliza. Whatever you say.
So I called my Dad who said that if it wasn't too much trouble I should try to clean him up. I could hear Rachel in the background asking questions like, "Is he okay? Is he moving? I knew he'd die while we were away!" I felt guilty for not checking on him as often as my mom specified on the list. Maybe if I even bothered to LOOK at him when I changed his water and food I would have noticed he wasn't okay, you know?
After I got off the phone I literally ran barefoot out the door (couldn't find my shoes), jumped in the car, and gunned it to the drug store for supplies. But what sort of stuff do you get for an abscess on a hamster? I had no idea. I still don't really... I just grabbed some latex gloves, q-tips, and some sort of antiseptic I forget the name of. But it had benzethonium chloride in it.
The actual process of trying to clean his gnarly red sore was unpleasant and really difficult. Ollie is quite squirmy. And did I mention that HE IS VICIOUS?! Every time he twitches or moves his head I think he's about to bite me so I let go and then have to go through the process of picking him up again. Long story short, I guess he's alright for now. I wish I had a little cone to put around his neck to keep him from scratching himself though. I suppose I could fashion one out of a bottle cap...
In terms of food and eating disorder drama- binges today and yesterday. But after tonight it ends forever! I'm serious this time.
Right, Eliza. Whatever you say.
Monday, July 26, 2010
A constructive little light at end of tunnel
I actually called in sick to work this morning because of how massively I binged last night. It sucked and I felt really bad about it. So today I ended up rolling out of bed at around 2:30 in the afternoon and feeling like shit and wanting to binge again. I literally had my shoes on and car keys in hand, ready to drive over to the store and buy a jar of Nutella. But in all honesty, that felt even shittier so I decided to come back upstairs and blog about it instead.
This is the reasoning I come up with in my head when it comes to deciding whether or not to binge: I figure that I'm already heavy, I'm already unhappy, and as much as I would like to lose this weight and undo the damage of the past six months, the only thing that really comforts me and makes me feel at ease in the moment is eating tons of sugar.
When I was in treatment there was this woman named Liz who told us that when it comes to using behaviors, she wanted us to be "informed consumers." She said that the sad reality is that behaviors work. They work better than anything else most of the time; Better than skills, talking about it, writing about it...etc. However, obviously they aren't working in the long run because... well, we're in treatment. So then what do you do when you feel like behaviors are the only option? Make a pros and cons list before engaging in it. That way, no matter what, regardless of whether you end up giving in or finding an alternative, at least with a list you know what you're getting yourself into. I guess this morning for the first time in a while the cons outweighed the pros in my head. I shall not get cocky, however. EVERY EFFING TIME I rejoice in a success story on my blog I end up jinxing it within 24 hours.
Son of a nutcracker. I can't believe I slept this late. It is now 3:00 in the afternoon. Well at least I learned something today. That's the best thing you can about any day, really, that you learned something.
This is the reasoning I come up with in my head when it comes to deciding whether or not to binge: I figure that I'm already heavy, I'm already unhappy, and as much as I would like to lose this weight and undo the damage of the past six months, the only thing that really comforts me and makes me feel at ease in the moment is eating tons of sugar.
When I was in treatment there was this woman named Liz who told us that when it comes to using behaviors, she wanted us to be "informed consumers." She said that the sad reality is that behaviors work. They work better than anything else most of the time; Better than skills, talking about it, writing about it...etc. However, obviously they aren't working in the long run because... well, we're in treatment. So then what do you do when you feel like behaviors are the only option? Make a pros and cons list before engaging in it. That way, no matter what, regardless of whether you end up giving in or finding an alternative, at least with a list you know what you're getting yourself into. I guess this morning for the first time in a while the cons outweighed the pros in my head. I shall not get cocky, however. EVERY EFFING TIME I rejoice in a success story on my blog I end up jinxing it within 24 hours.
Son of a nutcracker. I can't believe I slept this late. It is now 3:00 in the afternoon. Well at least I learned something today. That's the best thing you can about any day, really, that you learned something.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Kill me
I have the worst stomach ache right now I can't do anything besides think about how much it hurts. I can't read, I can't watch t.v., I can't sleep, I can't move around, I can't even remember what it feels like to have a stomach with no pain in it.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning because I was hungry, so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:45... and I guess that's when I started feeling sick. At first I thought that maybe I was just hungry again so I had a piece of toast but that didn't help. Then I drank 8 ounces of Pepto Bismol, it went away for a little bit, and I went grocery shopping with Heather. Came home, thought it was safe to have lunch, so I had a greek salad and 5 saltines. Now it's back and I have no idea what to do except complain.
I wish it wasn't just me and Heather for the next two weeks. I thought it might be nice having the whole house to ourselves but I just feel very lonely and fat. At least we know I won't binge today because my tummy starts writhing in agony every time I put something in it.
What on earth possessed me to stay here and work when I could have joined the rest of my family in cheery cherry fun land? I've gone with them every other summer. Have I really gotten so depressed that I can't even handle the semblance of happiness? Remember I'm still going in a couple weeks... but by the time I arrive mom and dad and Jake and Rachel will be back in Boston and it'll just be me and Aunt Sarah. Oh and John. It just won't be the same. The farm just isn't the same without everyone there. And now I'm freaking out because I just realized I won't actually see my family again until October! I'm driving straight back to NYC from Michigan with Aunt Sarah. This is too weird.
And now I'm thinking about my stomach again. I reeeeeeeeeeealllly want to be able to work out today so hopefully I'll make a miraculous recovery within the next few hours.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning because I was hungry, so I had a bowl of cereal. Then I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:45... and I guess that's when I started feeling sick. At first I thought that maybe I was just hungry again so I had a piece of toast but that didn't help. Then I drank 8 ounces of Pepto Bismol, it went away for a little bit, and I went grocery shopping with Heather. Came home, thought it was safe to have lunch, so I had a greek salad and 5 saltines. Now it's back and I have no idea what to do except complain.
I wish it wasn't just me and Heather for the next two weeks. I thought it might be nice having the whole house to ourselves but I just feel very lonely and fat. At least we know I won't binge today because my tummy starts writhing in agony every time I put something in it.
What on earth possessed me to stay here and work when I could have joined the rest of my family in cheery cherry fun land? I've gone with them every other summer. Have I really gotten so depressed that I can't even handle the semblance of happiness? Remember I'm still going in a couple weeks... but by the time I arrive mom and dad and Jake and Rachel will be back in Boston and it'll just be me and Aunt Sarah. Oh and John. It just won't be the same. The farm just isn't the same without everyone there. And now I'm freaking out because I just realized I won't actually see my family again until October! I'm driving straight back to NYC from Michigan with Aunt Sarah. This is too weird.
And now I'm thinking about my stomach again. I reeeeeeeeeeealllly want to be able to work out today so hopefully I'll make a miraculous recovery within the next few hours.
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