I'm essentially spending New Years Eve EXACTLY the same way I did last year- hotel in New Hampshire with the gang, dinner at Fudruckers, contra dancing at the local barn (yeah, you heard me, I contra dance with my family), and then falling asleep in front of the t.v. at around 11:55. No parties, no drinking, not a ton of hoopla. I think in my entire life I've only had one real, "traditional" New Year's Eve experiance. It was in High School. I went to a party at my friend Laura's house, drank about 24 ounces of vodka from a large tupperware container, and then promptly passed out in her basement, in a dog kennel. Good times.
Today was fun. We drove over to Mt. Cranmore for some skiing but I was really only up for one run down a green circle and then I took a nap in the car. I HATE SKIING. The thing is, I always convince myself that this year it'll be different. I think to myself, "I've grown, I've matured, I've developed quite a tremendous amount of insight into myself so I've probably also become the type of person who likes to ski." What the fuck? Skiing is horrible no matter how much knowledge or wisdom I think I've obtained. First of all, you spend about half an hour getting all your shit together and putting on the thermal underwear and the snowpants and the coat and the gloves, hat, scarf, and helmet and goggles and those god-awful ski boots that you've gotta click click click with all the straps and buckles. You feel like you're getting dressed to go the moon! Then the skiing itself is even worse. Everything hurts and I always get my skiis crossed and have to stop and adjust. THEN, when I finally do get a nice rythmic stride going I always start going faster than I want and it feels scary and sickening. My whole life flashes before my eyes.
So after we got back from the mountain I felt really depressed and unfulfilled so I grabbed my figure skates and fooled around on the hotel's ice rink for about an hour or so. When I came back to the room my mom said, "You looked like you were having so much fun out there! You should take lessons again this winter. I forgot how much you love to skate!" I think "love" is a tad much... but I greatly prefer skating to skiing that's for sure.
I ate a lot at dinner tonight. Like A LOT. I can't say it was a binge though because I didn't eat any more than anyone else did. I'm doing an experiment. I'm going to see what happens if I stop trying to moniter my food intake with a meal plan. Instead, I'll just eat whatever I want when I want but not engage in behaviors. Does that make sense? Or does it sound kind of like I've stopped trying...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Nice break from reality
I'm so blissed out right now- cozied up with a furry quilt and a hot mug of apple cider on the top floor of the North Conway Grand Hotel in New Hampshire. I guess coming up here after Christmas with the family has become somewhat of a tradition. We go skiing, shop at the outlet malls, figure skate, eat at restaurants, and swim in the pool. I just love family getaways!
Another thing that's awesome about being away from home and being on vacation is that my eating is WAY more normalized. In fact (and maybe this will sound like a bit of an exaggeration), there were times today when I truly felt like I don't have an eating disorder. Take dinner at Applebee's tonight for example: I thought a Greek salad sounded healthy and good so I ordered that and then to round out the meal I had no trouble eating only TWO mozzarella sticks, a small handful of Jake's fries, and half of a sundae with my parents. Okay, okay, for some people this might still sound like a lot but to someone with binge eating disorder, it's pretty modest.
Now we're back in the room and watching The West Wing. Usually I'd be complaining and begging to watch a cute romantic comedy or at least some Seinfeld but right now things just seem good the way they are.
Another thing that's awesome about being away from home and being on vacation is that my eating is WAY more normalized. In fact (and maybe this will sound like a bit of an exaggeration), there were times today when I truly felt like I don't have an eating disorder. Take dinner at Applebee's tonight for example: I thought a Greek salad sounded healthy and good so I ordered that and then to round out the meal I had no trouble eating only TWO mozzarella sticks, a small handful of Jake's fries, and half of a sundae with my parents. Okay, okay, for some people this might still sound like a lot but to someone with binge eating disorder, it's pretty modest.
Now we're back in the room and watching The West Wing. Usually I'd be complaining and begging to watch a cute romantic comedy or at least some Seinfeld but right now things just seem good the way they are.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Rotten mood. Oh I'm also changing the name of my blog again
I was feeling really shitty and kind of pathetic all day today and I couldn't really figure out why. I mean, besides the obvious reasons- I've been non stop holiday bingeing for the past week and half, Christmas is over, haven't been taking my meds, Aunt Sarah went back to NYC this morning blah blah blah. A couple hours ago I sort of felt like running outside for a bit, because lately that's been a great way for me to lift my spirits. It makes me feel strong and accomplished. But after a bunch of binge days I always have this thought that I don't deserve exercise. I think to myself, "Exercise is for healthy people who want to take care of themselves and I am clearly not healthy. I am a fat pig who should just hole myself up for another month or so until I can get my act back together. Then I can go running." Plus I guess I also feel like it's cheating recovery somehow... my nutritionist used to tell me that I should really only add exercise back into my life once I've stopped bingeing. Otherwise it's just a purging method. I guess I see where she's coming from. But really, with the amount of weight I need to lose, and all the pie and ice cream I've been guzzling, how much difference is one half hour run going to make?
I wonder if Dr. Gordon will respond to the letter I e-mailed her. It was her idea actually for me to check in with her before we meet next week. She said she may or may not respond but either way she said she'd read it so that's nice to know.
I guess I'll get dressed for my run. What the fuck do I care if it's not appropriate to go running after so much bingeing? I've given up on weight loss anyways so all this run serves to do is improve my mood and I don't see that there is anything wrong with that.
P.S. I'm going to change the name of my blog again. Haha sorry if all the changing around is confusing, I just feel like I need a superb title that sums up all the aspects of my life in one neat little bundled up phrase. So here's what I'm planning the new title to be: Normal is Just a Setting on the Washing Machine
I wonder if Dr. Gordon will respond to the letter I e-mailed her. It was her idea actually for me to check in with her before we meet next week. She said she may or may not respond but either way she said she'd read it so that's nice to know.
I guess I'll get dressed for my run. What the fuck do I care if it's not appropriate to go running after so much bingeing? I've given up on weight loss anyways so all this run serves to do is improve my mood and I don't see that there is anything wrong with that.
P.S. I'm going to change the name of my blog again. Haha sorry if all the changing around is confusing, I just feel like I need a superb title that sums up all the aspects of my life in one neat little bundled up phrase. So here's what I'm planning the new title to be: Normal is Just a Setting on the Washing Machine
Monday, December 27, 2010
Letter to Dr. Gordon
Dear Dr. Gordon,
I’ve been looking forward to finally sitting down and sending you an e-mail! I hope you’ve been enjoying the holiday break. Let me just preface this message (which I’m just realizing might be rather long because I feel like I have a lot to say) by assuring you that you don’t need to respond if you don’t have time! I’m glad you suggested checking in before we see each other next week… sometimes just writing everything out and sending it to someone can be helpful even if there is no reply.
This week has been sort of all over the place, and I guess by “this week” what I really mean is my mood, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings have been all over the place. On the days leading up to Christmas I had to work a lot, and most of the time by myself. It’s funny because usually I prefer working alone. It means I can sit and read and not have to work so hard at looking busy. But I must have just gotten super bored/super hungry because I actually binged twice at work. Twice. Two separate days. I BINGED ON CREAM FROM THE STORE. It was horrible. A part of me was shocked that I would do something so irresponsible and impulsive during work hours, but another part of me wasn’t all that surprised. I mean, I’ve been working at Angora for almost three months now. You’d think I would have found the chance to pig out at work a long time ago.
On Christmas Eve my family went to decorate gingerbread houses at our family friend’s house but I refused to go and that got everyone a little frustrated with me. It’s just that last year was so much skinnier and I don’t think I could handle being seen this overweight. Luckily ‘tis the season for forgiveness and all that lovely stuff, so they got over it and the holiday was still a success.
I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but I’m sort of relieved that Christmas is over. The holiday makes it so much harder to eat right, think clearly, stay mindfull… etc.
The fact that I’ve been SO inconsistent with my meds probably hasn’t helped matters. It’s not just the increase in binges that occur when I go off the Prozac. It’s been disrupting my sleep patterns, my mood, my concentration, EVERYTHING. Sticking to the meds will definitely be one of my New Years Resolutions, or as my mother so warmly puts it, “A non-negotiable if you want to go back to school in the fall.”
A part of me feels like giving up entirely because every time my life seems to develop some semblance of stability and progress I ultimately (inevitably) crash and burn. Maybe I should move to Alaska. Except for Sarah Palin everybody in Alaska seems very well-adjusted…
Well, I’ll end this e-mail now. I just got a text message from my friend Amy asking if I’d like to watch a movie with her and Sarah. To be honest I don’t really feel like going out but I suppose I’ll make good use of the Opposite to Emotion skill and just do it for the sake of doing it.
See you soon, and thanks for reading.
-Eliza
I’ve been looking forward to finally sitting down and sending you an e-mail! I hope you’ve been enjoying the holiday break. Let me just preface this message (which I’m just realizing might be rather long because I feel like I have a lot to say) by assuring you that you don’t need to respond if you don’t have time! I’m glad you suggested checking in before we see each other next week… sometimes just writing everything out and sending it to someone can be helpful even if there is no reply.
This week has been sort of all over the place, and I guess by “this week” what I really mean is my mood, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings have been all over the place. On the days leading up to Christmas I had to work a lot, and most of the time by myself. It’s funny because usually I prefer working alone. It means I can sit and read and not have to work so hard at looking busy. But I must have just gotten super bored/super hungry because I actually binged twice at work. Twice. Two separate days. I BINGED ON CREAM FROM THE STORE. It was horrible. A part of me was shocked that I would do something so irresponsible and impulsive during work hours, but another part of me wasn’t all that surprised. I mean, I’ve been working at Angora for almost three months now. You’d think I would have found the chance to pig out at work a long time ago.
On Christmas Eve my family went to decorate gingerbread houses at our family friend’s house but I refused to go and that got everyone a little frustrated with me. It’s just that last year was so much skinnier and I don’t think I could handle being seen this overweight. Luckily ‘tis the season for forgiveness and all that lovely stuff, so they got over it and the holiday was still a success.
I never thought I’d hear myself say it, but I’m sort of relieved that Christmas is over. The holiday makes it so much harder to eat right, think clearly, stay mindfull… etc.
The fact that I’ve been SO inconsistent with my meds probably hasn’t helped matters. It’s not just the increase in binges that occur when I go off the Prozac. It’s been disrupting my sleep patterns, my mood, my concentration, EVERYTHING. Sticking to the meds will definitely be one of my New Years Resolutions, or as my mother so warmly puts it, “A non-negotiable if you want to go back to school in the fall.”
A part of me feels like giving up entirely because every time my life seems to develop some semblance of stability and progress I ultimately (inevitably) crash and burn. Maybe I should move to Alaska. Except for Sarah Palin everybody in Alaska seems very well-adjusted…
Well, I’ll end this e-mail now. I just got a text message from my friend Amy asking if I’d like to watch a movie with her and Sarah. To be honest I don’t really feel like going out but I suppose I’ll make good use of the Opposite to Emotion skill and just do it for the sake of doing it.
See you soon, and thanks for reading.
-Eliza
Saturday, December 25, 2010
What a day
Merry Christmas, friends! This is the first Christmas for my blog actually. I wonder how I should document the occasion... I apologize in advance for how disorganized and poorly written this post will be. It's late.
I am so full of food right now I can't even think. I can literally feel the skin on my stomach stretching and stretching to accommodate all the extra cookies and cheesecake and fudge and scallop potatoes and butternut squash and ice cream and creme brullee and oooooooh god I must weight a metric ton.
After dinner we went over to the Homer's house for dessert and I got to see Sarah so that was nice. The whole day was nice actually. I slept a lot. I mean, I'm pretty sick with this nasty cold so I was pretty lethargic and run down.
I got me some lovely prezzies too. Some gift cards to Sephora and Booksmith from my parents, some novels and other books, bracelets from my mom and a really pretty silver necklace from my dad with the letter E on it. Auntie So So gave me fifty dollars and a really pretty blue Keep Calm and Carry On notebook. I might use that for journaling thoughts. I got other stuff too but those are what come to mind at the moment...
I hear we're gonna have a big old snowstorm tomorrow and possibly the next day. How exciting! I haven't gone sledding yet at all this year.
I am so full of food right now I can't even think. I can literally feel the skin on my stomach stretching and stretching to accommodate all the extra cookies and cheesecake and fudge and scallop potatoes and butternut squash and ice cream and creme brullee and oooooooh god I must weight a metric ton.
After dinner we went over to the Homer's house for dessert and I got to see Sarah so that was nice. The whole day was nice actually. I slept a lot. I mean, I'm pretty sick with this nasty cold so I was pretty lethargic and run down.
I got me some lovely prezzies too. Some gift cards to Sephora and Booksmith from my parents, some novels and other books, bracelets from my mom and a really pretty silver necklace from my dad with the letter E on it. Auntie So So gave me fifty dollars and a really pretty blue Keep Calm and Carry On notebook. I might use that for journaling thoughts. I got other stuff too but those are what come to mind at the moment...
I hear we're gonna have a big old snowstorm tomorrow and possibly the next day. How exciting! I haven't gone sledding yet at all this year.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The lack of structure in this post is frustrating
I have a sore throat which is just horrible. I guess this means I'm getting a cold. That sucks because colds last for like a month and I don't want to feel sick for a month. I sort of forget if being sick is makes not bingeing easier or harder... I must go back and look at some old sick posts to find out.
I have watched The Proposal on Netflix instant three times in the last 48 hours. I mean, I usually enjoy romantic comedies just as much as the next girl but this one is just too cute I have to keep watching it again and again.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means my family and I go to the Kramer's house after dinner for our annual gingerbread decorating hootenanny. Shocker- I don't feel like going so I've decided that I need to come up with a plan for how to get out of it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THIS TRADITION of celebrating the holiday with family friends (their daughter, Ariel, went to nursery school with me!), but sadly my eating disorder is not so keen on it.... especially since the last time everyone saw me I was almost 40 lbs. skinnier. Yeah yeah nobody cares about my weight more than I do and I shouldn't let body image issues control my life and blah blah blah I know I know. I don't care. I've come up with two possible explanations to give my mother about why I can't go. Ha, neither of them are the truth by the way.
Option 1: Tell her I'm simply not up to it this year, and that I need to have a peaceful and solitary evening to gather myself and my thoughts for all the fun on Saturday.
Option 2: Act really sick and tell her to send my regards and apologies to everyone.
I kind of like Option 2 the best. Faking sick is always a safe bet. I mean, who can argue with the whims and inconsistencies of human health? Also it's not entirely false. I really am getting sick.
I was looking back at my posts from this month and I realized that what I said yesterday about having gotten down to consistently only bingeing once a week is total BULLSHIT. Three weeks ago I had that whole babysitting fiasco where I pretty much ate every pint of ice cream in the state of Massachusetts for like... three days straight. Then I'm sure that since then I've binged at least four times here and there. So I take back everything I said about making progress. I'm still a mess.
I really need to change the name of my blog. I was thinking about it yesterday and my brother joked that instead of 'Working on it' it should be "Almost done with it'.
I have watched The Proposal on Netflix instant three times in the last 48 hours. I mean, I usually enjoy romantic comedies just as much as the next girl but this one is just too cute I have to keep watching it again and again.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means my family and I go to the Kramer's house after dinner for our annual gingerbread decorating hootenanny. Shocker- I don't feel like going so I've decided that I need to come up with a plan for how to get out of it. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THIS TRADITION of celebrating the holiday with family friends (their daughter, Ariel, went to nursery school with me!), but sadly my eating disorder is not so keen on it.... especially since the last time everyone saw me I was almost 40 lbs. skinnier. Yeah yeah nobody cares about my weight more than I do and I shouldn't let body image issues control my life and blah blah blah I know I know. I don't care. I've come up with two possible explanations to give my mother about why I can't go. Ha, neither of them are the truth by the way.
Option 1: Tell her I'm simply not up to it this year, and that I need to have a peaceful and solitary evening to gather myself and my thoughts for all the fun on Saturday.
Option 2: Act really sick and tell her to send my regards and apologies to everyone.
I kind of like Option 2 the best. Faking sick is always a safe bet. I mean, who can argue with the whims and inconsistencies of human health? Also it's not entirely false. I really am getting sick.
I was looking back at my posts from this month and I realized that what I said yesterday about having gotten down to consistently only bingeing once a week is total BULLSHIT. Three weeks ago I had that whole babysitting fiasco where I pretty much ate every pint of ice cream in the state of Massachusetts for like... three days straight. Then I'm sure that since then I've binged at least four times here and there. So I take back everything I said about making progress. I'm still a mess.
I really need to change the name of my blog. I was thinking about it yesterday and my brother joked that instead of 'Working on it' it should be "Almost done with it'.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Another good old fashioned recovery post
I was reading this magazine in Dr. Gordon's office the other day about eating disorders (more specifically the section on binge eating), and it had this long list of criteria to define the behaviors and feelings that go along with it:
-Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry; bingeing or eating uncontrollably
-Unable to stop eating voluntarily
-Eating rapidly
-Eating until feeling bloated or uncomfortably full
-Eating alone
-Hoarding or stealing food
-Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
-Intense guilt about eating
-Depressed moods, mood fluctuations, impatience, irritability
-Intense feeling of disgust with self
-Loathing or hiding of the body under baggy clothes
-Attributes social and professional successes/failures to weight gain/loss
-Binges occur at least twice week
I was feeling pretty awful and disgusted with myself as I moved down the list, because actually, every single one of these symptoms applies to me except for the last one. Yes, I may not have mentioned it lately but I've gotten my binge episodes pretty consistently down to once a week. I feel I should at least give myself credit there. Remember a couple months ago when I couldn't have just one binge day without it being followed by another and another and another? Maybe in another couple months I'll manage to have only two binges a month or something. That would be a dream come true. That's my Christmas wish actually. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is to recover from my binge eating disorder.
Aurhghhhh I want to recover sooooo badly!!! I don't think I've ever wanted to get better more than I do RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. There is so much I want to do and so much I want to accomplish and so many people I want to meet and so many places I want to go and oh so many things I want to learn but I don't want to do them until I've learned to stop using food to control my feelings. Dr. Gordon would say this is an unreasonable way to look at things though. She would say, "You shouldn't have to put your life on hold just because you aren't exactly where you want to be or because you don't look the way you'd like to look." I suppose she's right. I mean, if everyone waited till things were perfect to get their lives going nobody would ever accomplish anything. If Martin Luther King had said, "I'm gonna wait till people stop being racist before I make my speech," he wouldn't have gotten all his great words out there. I'm not quite sure what my point is... I think I just sound corny and a little stupid. However that is a judgement, and the judgement does not serve any constructive purpose at this juncture so I'm going to let that judgmental thought slide right off of my teflon pan mind.
I think I'll go and journal a little bit. Maybe read an ED book. Those are always fun.
-Eating large amounts of food when not physically hungry; bingeing or eating uncontrollably
-Unable to stop eating voluntarily
-Eating rapidly
-Eating until feeling bloated or uncomfortably full
-Eating alone
-Hoarding or stealing food
-Low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
-Intense guilt about eating
-Depressed moods, mood fluctuations, impatience, irritability
-Intense feeling of disgust with self
-Loathing or hiding of the body under baggy clothes
-Attributes social and professional successes/failures to weight gain/loss
-Binges occur at least twice week
I was feeling pretty awful and disgusted with myself as I moved down the list, because actually, every single one of these symptoms applies to me except for the last one. Yes, I may not have mentioned it lately but I've gotten my binge episodes pretty consistently down to once a week. I feel I should at least give myself credit there. Remember a couple months ago when I couldn't have just one binge day without it being followed by another and another and another? Maybe in another couple months I'll manage to have only two binges a month or something. That would be a dream come true. That's my Christmas wish actually. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is to recover from my binge eating disorder.
Aurhghhhh I want to recover sooooo badly!!! I don't think I've ever wanted to get better more than I do RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. There is so much I want to do and so much I want to accomplish and so many people I want to meet and so many places I want to go and oh so many things I want to learn but I don't want to do them until I've learned to stop using food to control my feelings. Dr. Gordon would say this is an unreasonable way to look at things though. She would say, "You shouldn't have to put your life on hold just because you aren't exactly where you want to be or because you don't look the way you'd like to look." I suppose she's right. I mean, if everyone waited till things were perfect to get their lives going nobody would ever accomplish anything. If Martin Luther King had said, "I'm gonna wait till people stop being racist before I make my speech," he wouldn't have gotten all his great words out there. I'm not quite sure what my point is... I think I just sound corny and a little stupid. However that is a judgement, and the judgement does not serve any constructive purpose at this juncture so I'm going to let that judgmental thought slide right off of my teflon pan mind.
I think I'll go and journal a little bit. Maybe read an ED book. Those are always fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)