I wish I could fly an airplane

I haven't posted anything since Thursday because I was waiting in anxious anticipation for our evening with Heather to be over with. I do that a lot. If I'm not looking forward to something I put my life on hold because somehow I imagine my life is over and nothing matters so why blog or why shower or why be nice to people, you know? Anyway, it went better than I thought it would. She was of course, as skinny and pretty as ever and I felt like a sea monster, but it was soon forgotten because I was reminded of how genuinely sweet and wonderful she is. So despite all the yucky jealously on my side it was really nice to see her because I know she cares about me and I love her so much. She came over late in the afternoon and went with us to see my little sister's Artbarn production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I'm glad she came because public events are always so much more fun when you have an extra person to poke fun at them with :) Poor Rachel though. She played the part of Starveling, one of the mechanicals, and every line of hers was delivered with such haste and such embarrassment that it left us all wondering the same thing, "Is she even enjoying this?" My sister is naturally shy and not really a fan of putting herself out there so the fact that she loves performing so much is just a mystery.

After the play we went home had dinner. My mom made lentil soup and we had this really good garlic bread and salad to go along with it. I feel like I ate a lot, which I tend to do on days that I forget to log my food. It wasn't a binge by any means, I just had like three extra helpings of bread because it was really good. Then for dessert I had Boston cream pie but that's okay because everyone else was eating pie too. We watched The Social Network, which was good but I was expecting something a lot better because of all the hype it's been getting. I'd recommend it though. It made me think a lot about quitting Facebook actually. I don't go on it all that much anymore and when I do it's only to get in touch with friends or look at pictures of girls I went to High School with and all that does it make me feel like crap because their lives look so much better than mine. Heather quit Facebook a couple months ago and I guess if she can do it I can too.

I'm working today but luckily my shift is only from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. so I don't have to worry about spending too much time around the ice cream. I think I'll bring a novel to read, my Food and Feelings workbook, dinner, and a maybe a notebook to write in. Tomorrow I'm seeing Dr. Gordon. She's so skinny. I hate that.

Well since it's Sunday again, it's time for me to report any behaviors I had. I'm having trouble figuring out if some of my so called "binge episodes" were actually binges though... like earlier this week I had a lot of ice cream and froyo at the store but then skipped dinner and snack so it didn't physically feel like a binge. And then two days ago I ate half a bag of sweet potato chips and then had salad for dinner because I wasn't hungry. You see, these don't feel like binges because I don't feel a total loss of control in the moment, it's more just me thinking, "Hey I'll have ice cream for dinner cuz I don't want pasta." What is that? I'll have to ask Marci what that counts as. For now lets just called them "Potential ED Episodes."

THIS WEEK'S POTENTIAL ED EPISODE COUNT: 3

Quite the conundrum

I can't really get away with writing posts at work anymore unfortunately. Usually I delete the internet history so Tulan won't stumble upon the link to my blog and discover what I psycho I am, but the other day she was talking about how she couldn't find something on the computer because the history was gone. Whoops. I guess I'll just play it safe from now on and hand write my entries to type up and post later.

Right now I have the worst headache I've ever had. It actually started last night when I got home from babysitting so I just went to sleep because typically pain is gone in the morning. But I woke up a couple times in the night to pee and noticed my head was still hurting. Now it's almost 5 p.m. THE NEXT DAY and my head hurts so much I've actually got tears in my eyes. I called my mom about an hour ago to tell her I was pretty sure I had cancer and might not be around much longer. But she assured me that brain tumors do not just appear and start plaguing people over night- which I already knew I guess but I just wanted some reassurance. So after I called my mom I thought of something. Sometimes the best medicine, believe it or not, is just going on a food bender. I thought about this for a few minutes and then decided I would have two scoops of ice cream and see if it made me feel better. It cheered me up some, but the headache was still there. I had some pretty interesting mind chatter after the ice cream though: "Okay, well I just had two scoops of ice cream which is normal and if I have two more scoops that's kind of coming closer to a binge but not if I just limit it to 4 scoops all together and then skip dinner and the rest of my snacks for the day because in terms of calories I've probably just about hit or maybe come a little under what I'm supposed to get in a day so if I stop now I won't have overdone anything and it won't be a binge!" Whew. Welcome to the inside of my brain. It's a rather terrifying place. Now I'm having guilt about my decision to skip out on the rest of my exchanges for the day... it's still a behavior that I'll have to include in my update to guys on Sunday, right? The question is however, was it a binge or restriction?

You know I kind of that new Katy Perry song Firework. I like line where she's like, BOOM BOOM BOOM even brighter than the moon moon mooooon.

God, now my chest hurts. My heart. I have a heartache. What's wrong with me?

Shoot me. Just shoot me.

I'm sick of working at the ice cream store. Blegh. I want a new job. A better job. An exciting job with lots danger and twists, like... a train conductor. I would love to be a train conductor- and I don't mean one of those lame ass public transportation goons who just sit there and glare while you struggle to stuff wads of dollar bills and change into the fare machine. I mean like an old fashion steam engine conductor a la Tom Hanks in The Polar Express. Although come to think of it, even a boring MBTA driver job would be more stimulating than working at the ice cream store. Today I only had to work from noon to five, and even though it was painfully slow as usual, the manager, Tulan, stuck around for most of my shift, which is not typical. Usually she leaves and then I spend the rest of my shift reading, journaling, fooling around on the computer, and coming up with positive affirmations for myself that usually turn out to suck and make me feel worse. The best one I could come up with today was, "I have a good personality." Not only is that statement unoriginal (and let's face it, a tad untrue...), it kind of makes me feel uglier than I already am. But my point is that I have everything very scheduled and arranged when I'm working alone, and today I was all like what the hell bitch get out so I can stop pretending to clean the froyo machine and start slacking off. I started to feel especially depressed and when she told me all about how much busier it's going to be in the summer and how I'll have to train the new employees. The summer? You mean that happy season that you're supposed to spend on the beach eating watermelon and riding porpoises? But thankfully she made me feel a little better by saying that I could be a manager in a couple months and be in charge of the store when she wasn't there. That was pretty awesome. And also a little weird at the same time... I hope she remembers that I'm (hopefully) going back to school in the fall.

Okay, here's something I'm really getting myself worked up and upset over: today I got an e-mail from Heather (in case you're new, she's the cousin who lived in my house while I was away at school, and now she has an apartment in Somerville) asking to hang out this weekend. Now, I love Heather like she was my own sister but the thing is she has pretty severe depression and anxiety and every time I see her she's gotten skinnier and skinner. I feel horrible for feeling jealous, especially since SHE used to be heavier than me and now I'm the fat one. Please forgive me for how awful all of this sounds! PLEASE. You have to understand that I just can't help thinking this way. Obviously I wish I could feel compassion instead of envy and resentment but I just can't right now so I'm sorry. That being said, I'm mad as hell and I wish she would stop trying to see me because seeing her only makes me feel like shit, and I've been doing so well the past couple weeks and I just know that seeing her is going to make me want to go on a crash diet which will inevitably fail because I'll get too hungry and so I'll wind up bingeing for the rest of my life. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Wow. Just.... wow.

Do you guys know what today is? Well, unless you are thoroughly engrossed in and dedicated to reading this blog, let me remind you. TODAY IS THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF AN UNEXPECTED TWIST! It was exactly one year ago today that I found myself so lost and desperate inside this eating disorder that I started narrating my journey to the (somewhat) public. I can remember myself very vividly last year on February 7th, sitting on the same couch covered in laundry that I was supposed to have folded, and hoping against all hope that someone, anyone out there might relate to or understand what I was going through. I think the scariest part was that I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I had been diagnosed as anorexic for almost half a year before leaving school for a medical leave and then all of a sudden I was bingeing and I didn't even know if that still counted as an eating disordered behavior. I think I just thought I was losing my mind. I rarely ever feel compassion towards myself but as I go through the posts of last February and recollect that horrible month of starting program, throwing tantrums over the no-exercise policy, crying at the thought of 2 slices of swiss cheese on a sandwich, I feel like going back in time and giving that poor girl a hug.

Honestly, as much as I would like to be thin again, it's not worth it after all the shit it to took to stay there. Man, I never thought I'd say that. Here's a quote from the post I wrote after my first day in outpatient: "I like to think of myself as someone who faces most obstacles with integrity but the truth is when it comes to weight loss, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for it." And it was totally true. I cheated my way like hell through that program; skipping meals at home and then telling everyone in group that I'd followed a meal plan. At lunch during day program I would hide cheese sticks and almonds in the sleeves of my oversized sweatshirts so I didn't have to eat them, and all the while I still thought I could recover from the binge eating if I just concentrated hard enough on restriction. Sometimes I think about writing to my case manager back at the treatment center and telling her all this, just for the sake of taking ownership of my recovery. But then I think about how proud of me everyone was when I was discharged and I wonder if telling them now would just make them paranoid or less confident about how their current patients are doing.

Anyway, I think what amazes me most about all of this is that I've had an eating disorder since I was fourteen and I've made more progress in these last 12 months than I made throughout six years of struggling. I think it's important for me to remember that fact when I start getting down on myself for not being in college right now. The leave from school has been not only necessary for me, but healing as well. Even though I'm not entirely behavior free, I really do think that embracing a lifestyle of recovery is a change unto itself. I still hate my body, and I can't do anything about that right now. They say that body image is the last part of the eating disorder you let go. That's probably true. My weight, wherever it's supposed to be at, will settle once I've settled, but it's not my top priority anymore. Was there any particular person who coined the phrase, "Life is too short"? Well it is too short. In the years to come, I don't want to be living in fear of food and numbers on a scale because I've done that and even though I was a size 2 and had oh my god killer legs, I HAVE to imagine that happiness is about more than just that. I have to.

Itchy nose

It's kind of warm today... weird. And last night it was raining with thunder and lightening. I am very confused.

Tonight I have to close the store. I got here about half an hour ago to relieve Siobhan and Jess from their shift and the place is an absolute mess! The floor is all covered in sprinkles and sticky shit, the tables haven't been wiped down, the drain is stopped up with gummy bears and bits of mango, the topping jars have finger prints on them, and I REALLY wish that when people clean the espresso machine they would do a second wipe down so the cloth doesn't leave ugly water tracks. Oh, well. Now I'm mad and I have nowhere to direct my anger. Actually, that's not entirely true. I could binge and sublimate the anger through cookie dough froyo but I would still have to clean the store afterward.

So about a month or so ago I was having issues remembering to take my meds so I decided to start going on them again really slowly, like starting with 40 mg for several weeks then when I was sure it had built up in my system I could go to 60 mg. Now that it's February I thought it was time to start taking 60 again so I've started doing that and I hope this time around I actually give the Prozac a chance to work before being a moron again. Haha Dr. Gordon hates it that I'm prescribing doses to myself without any direction from a psychiatrist. I don't need one though. I've been on this medication since I was twelve. I practically invented it.

Oh, oh, oh. On Thursday my mom and dad had their little session with Dr. Gordon to talk about me. It sounds like it went well. I am dying to hear what Dr. Gordon's second impressions of the parents are. Bleghh. I better start cleaning up if I want to finish closing by 11:00.

Woah, is it the end of the week again? Well, as promised, here's my behavior summary for the past seven days:

THIS WEEK'S BINGE COUNT: 1
THIS WEEK'S RESTRICTION COUNT: 1

I wonder...

Do you ever think that by maybe altering one area of your life, everything else would suddenly fall into place? This might sound ridiculous but think about it- how many of you have ever thought something like, if I could just lose five more pounds I would be so much more outgoing, or if only I had a boyfriend/girlfriend then I wouldn't be so lonely all the time, or if I lived in a warmer climate I wouldn't be depressed. I tell myself stuff like this all the time (not so much the boyfriend one though. The only guys I've ever known were stupid and horrible). I like to imagine there is a quick-fix for my problems and while I guess I know it's unreasonable to expect this, I'm starting to think there could be some truth behind the belief. Take my job at the ice cream store for example... I have worked incredibly hard to become rational and composed around food. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, I'll have a cookie if someone happens to be baking them, and I know when I'm feeling emotional hunger vs. physical hunger. But when I'm at the store, it's like I'm on a different planet where the meal plan doesn't exist, my hunger cues don't mean shit, and the eating disorder has full rein. So I have to wonder, if I didn't work at an ice cream store, could I, WOULD I, have a shot at leading a normal life around food?

This is not just a rhetorical question that I'm throwing out there into the blogosphere. What do you guys think? I asked my brother and he said (cynic that he is) that if I couldn't binge at work I would probably start doing it at home again. Really? Okay, so lets say I up and quit and took a job working at a book store instead. Am I really still so dependent on bingeing that I would go out of my way to start buying ice cream and junk at grocery stores again? I mean, bingeing at the ice cream store is one thing because how am I supposed to resist with all these sweets taunting me for hours on end? But if I just removed myself from the triggering stimuli, perhaps I'd be closer than ever to that thing called recovery.

That's right, woodchuck-chuckers!

Happy Groundhog Day, everyone! It is absolutely terrible outside. It snowed all night and then turned to rain this morning so shoveling was an absolute nightmare of wetness. After like half an hour of being outside I asked my dad if I could go inside and do housework instead and he said okay so I cleaned the upstairs living room.

I ended up having a phone session with Marci yesterday because of how awful the roads were. I tried driving out to Cambridge to make our appointment but the car kept skidding and making alarm noises so I had to turn around and just call her from home. All in all it was an okay session but towards the end she said something that kind of made me feel depressed and bad about myself. I'm sure she meant it to sound encouraging but it really didn't feel that way. I'd rather not dwell on the comment though. I feel like that would just make it worse and I kind of want to forget about it. Just thought I'd put it out there. Sometimes even the people you really count on for support can let you down.

I'm happy it's February. I love the beginnings of new months. I'm not ready for spring yet though... I can't even think about wearing shorts at this weight.

There's nothing good on t.v. I can't wait for American Idol tonight. My mom asked me to text Heather and invite her over to watch with us but I really don't feel like seeing her.