I do not feel much like writing, but not because the past two days have been uneventful. I'm just feeling bogged down and lackluster by the rainy weather. I'm riding tomorrow so hopefully the weather will be nicer.
I cleaned half of my room- the less messy side. I would have cleaned all of it but I've sort of created a nest of notecards, books, unfinished friendship bracelets, and towels next to my bed that seems a shame to pull apart. Oh man. I can totally see myself in 60 years, living alone in a smelly little house with shag rugs and cats and empty ice cream cartons strewn all over the furniture. It's basically how I'm living now, actually...
I was thinking about this DBT skill that I picked up when I was in program. I think it's called the Comfort by Comparison skill... not sure though. Anyways, the idea is, when you are feeling really awful about yourself or the way you look or the way you ate, you just think of people who are in worse situations and then you feel slightly less like shit. You think about the orphans in Haiti, the greasy pelicans living in the oil spill, the woman who was murdered and dismembered in Randolph, Massachusetts. And toll booth workers... they all have it much worse than me.
The pros of this skill are:
-puts things in perspective
-gives you some hope
-keeps you distracted from own problems
The cons:
-reading about tragedies can make you more depressed, thus sinking even further into gloom
-might make you feel somehow invalidated by saying that your problems are small and thus not real problems
-can make you so guilty you'll want to self sabotage and then engage in behaviors
This skill has been on my mind since this morning. My dad keeps an enormous black leather case under his desk which he's always said has important historical documents in it, but I've never asked any further. Today I opened it up and found a pretty impressive collection of front page stories, some dating back to the 1960's. He's got newspapers from 9/11, Neil Armstrong on the Moon, Red Sox series win in 2004, the Leakey's discovery of Lucy the hominid, Princess Diana's accident, Kennedy's assassination, Martin Luther King's too... some happy historical moments but mostly sad stuff that just made me think about how little I've actually experienced. What's an eating disorder compared to stuff like world wars?
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Gloomy with a chance of hopeful
Yesterday was reletively poopy. I got a call from Rosie's bakery saying that they didn't want to hire someone who was leaving town in January. That'll teach me to be honest with potential employers. Everybody, and by everybody I mean my parents and Heather, have been telling me to lie and say that I can work indefinitely when people ask how long I can stay. This seems dishonest. Probably because it is I s'pose... and generally I have no problem being dishonest. I lie all the time! But it seems particulary maliciious to lie to someone who is paying you to work for them. Hmmm... ethical dilemmas are tricky.
So getting that news wasn't fun. I guess I was feeling self destructive after that so I WEIGHED MYSELF. I haven't weighed myself in over three months. About a week and a half ago I found a neighbor's scale sitting on the sidewalk and I stole it and hid it in my mother's car. I've been thinking about using it... but Dr. Gordon thought it would lead to massive restriction behaviors which would in turn lead to mega binges. Anyways, I was feeing impulsive and rather than wallow in my feelings of heaviness I thought I'd check and see how many actual pounds I'd need to lose in order to be thin again. Turns I'm not QUITE as huge as I thought, but only by five pounds. That puts me fifteen pounds away from being thin, and twenty five to thirty pounds away from being skinny. I shall work towards the first goal in a thoughtful and diplomatic manner. This means no crash dieting, starvation, or scary exercise, but also no snacks before bed and certainly no desserts. Blugh. Maybe this'll be fun? Oh who am I kidding. It's maddening having to weight for something you want. LOL see how I spelled wait?
Anyways, I shall not become consumed by the quest to physical perfection. I shall keep my mind on more pressing matters like my ED support group tonight at MEDA, my Psych test next Monday, and the seemingly hopeless job search.
So getting that news wasn't fun. I guess I was feeling self destructive after that so I WEIGHED MYSELF. I haven't weighed myself in over three months. About a week and a half ago I found a neighbor's scale sitting on the sidewalk and I stole it and hid it in my mother's car. I've been thinking about using it... but Dr. Gordon thought it would lead to massive restriction behaviors which would in turn lead to mega binges. Anyways, I was feeing impulsive and rather than wallow in my feelings of heaviness I thought I'd check and see how many actual pounds I'd need to lose in order to be thin again. Turns I'm not QUITE as huge as I thought, but only by five pounds. That puts me fifteen pounds away from being thin, and twenty five to thirty pounds away from being skinny. I shall work towards the first goal in a thoughtful and diplomatic manner. This means no crash dieting, starvation, or scary exercise, but also no snacks before bed and certainly no desserts. Blugh. Maybe this'll be fun? Oh who am I kidding. It's maddening having to weight for something you want. LOL see how I spelled wait?
Anyways, I shall not become consumed by the quest to physical perfection. I shall keep my mind on more pressing matters like my ED support group tonight at MEDA, my Psych test next Monday, and the seemingly hopeless job search.
Monday, September 27, 2010
La di da blogging in class
Okay, so I shouldn't be blogging during class... but we're going over the central nervous system and I feel pretty confident in the notes I took this afternoon. I like writing posts when I'm not at home. I feel like a spy. However there is an extremely suspicious looking girl sitting at the desk next to me and I am 99% sure that she is reading this whist I write.
I don’t mind having class from 6:00-9:00, especially since it’s only once a week, but it interferes with dinner and that stresses me out. I usually eat dinner between 7:00 and 7:30. That’s when I feel most comfortable eating. It’s hard to make this work during the lecture though… not impossible but hard. I just finished a modest meal of hummus, crackers, and EXTREMELY crunchy carrots. It took me twenty five minutes to eat eight carrot sticks because I was trying so hard to chew noiselessly, and even then a few people still turned around and looked at me.
And here's that girl again! My god, she's not even trying to be subtle about it either. I physically shifted my laptop out of her view but she just won't give up. Mabes I'll get her to start a blog.
I don’t mind having class from 6:00-9:00, especially since it’s only once a week, but it interferes with dinner and that stresses me out. I usually eat dinner between 7:00 and 7:30. That’s when I feel most comfortable eating. It’s hard to make this work during the lecture though… not impossible but hard. I just finished a modest meal of hummus, crackers, and EXTREMELY crunchy carrots. It took me twenty five minutes to eat eight carrot sticks because I was trying so hard to chew noiselessly, and even then a few people still turned around and looked at me.
And here's that girl again! My god, she's not even trying to be subtle about it either. I physically shifted my laptop out of her view but she just won't give up. Mabes I'll get her to start a blog.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Horse-riffic
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhh!!!! DO I have a story for you guys!!! Today I witnessed an exchange that I'm pretty sure I've only seen in the movies and it was just HORRIFIC (Note to self: find out origin of the word "horrific"... because it sounds like a combination of horrible and terrific. is it?) Today I had a two hour riding instruction class all the way out in North Oxford, Mass. It was another one of those hour long drives into the middle of nowhere. I'm becoming quite fond of my little equine excursions. Anyways, as I was tacking up I noticed some of the other girls walking up to the stables- most of them in their early twenties and thirties, and one woman who was probably my mom's age. This one girl, one of the younger ones, was short and stout. Like a teapot! Her stomach in particular was rather distended looking and I vaguely wondered if she might be pregnant. We all started talking to each other, just sort of introducing ourselves, then the older woman said to the teapot girl, "When are you due?"
Teapot girl paused and replied, "Oh... I'm not pregnant." After that- silence. You could have heard a pin drop.
"Oh, God. I'm sorry." The older woman covered her eyes with one hand and made that gun shooting gesture to her own head with the other.
Teapot girl was actually really good natured about it. She said, "That's okay. I just had a big breakfast, that's all!" Then she laughed. "I know I've got a bit of a belly. I need to hit the gym..."
Then the older woman said, "Well good thing you're riding today!" I guess she thought that line would be a good recovery from the first insult but honestly I think it just dug the hole deeper.
My point is, OH MY GOD. After she said that I felt like crying, and it wasn't even me who she said it to! Imagine someone looking at your stomach, and thinking that because it's SO BIG, you must be carrying a child. I just think I would kill myself if that happened. Last week my dad asked me if I wanted to start going to the gym with him again, so I skipped lunch and dinner that day because I was convinced he was implying that I needed to lose weight. Who knows how the girl felt about it though. The odds of her having an eating disorder with a whole slew of severe body image problems are statistically not in her favor, but you never know. I just pray she doesn't have an ED because a comment like destroys people like me.
The rest of the class was okay... but before I left my instructor pulled me aside to talk to me about my attire. I wore converse sneakers, a gigantic pair of jeans, and my brother's Celtics t-shirt. I mean, I guess I knew that my eating disorder clothes weren't appropriate for riding but I was just sort of hoping that no one would notice. For next week she said I need to wear boots instead of sneakers, and either chaps or tight jeans for pants. Now that is horrific.
Holy mother of all that is good and pure. I cannot, will not, and must not wear anything of the sort. I mean, ideally I would love to wear something attractive that fits me and isn't from the men's section... but the last time I wore anything resembling "tight" jeans, I was thirty pounds lighter. What to do??!!! I can't show my real body in public! What if someone accuses me of being preggers!?
Teapot girl paused and replied, "Oh... I'm not pregnant." After that- silence. You could have heard a pin drop.
"Oh, God. I'm sorry." The older woman covered her eyes with one hand and made that gun shooting gesture to her own head with the other.
Teapot girl was actually really good natured about it. She said, "That's okay. I just had a big breakfast, that's all!" Then she laughed. "I know I've got a bit of a belly. I need to hit the gym..."
Then the older woman said, "Well good thing you're riding today!" I guess she thought that line would be a good recovery from the first insult but honestly I think it just dug the hole deeper.
My point is, OH MY GOD. After she said that I felt like crying, and it wasn't even me who she said it to! Imagine someone looking at your stomach, and thinking that because it's SO BIG, you must be carrying a child. I just think I would kill myself if that happened. Last week my dad asked me if I wanted to start going to the gym with him again, so I skipped lunch and dinner that day because I was convinced he was implying that I needed to lose weight. Who knows how the girl felt about it though. The odds of her having an eating disorder with a whole slew of severe body image problems are statistically not in her favor, but you never know. I just pray she doesn't have an ED because a comment like destroys people like me.
The rest of the class was okay... but before I left my instructor pulled me aside to talk to me about my attire. I wore converse sneakers, a gigantic pair of jeans, and my brother's Celtics t-shirt. I mean, I guess I knew that my eating disorder clothes weren't appropriate for riding but I was just sort of hoping that no one would notice. For next week she said I need to wear boots instead of sneakers, and either chaps or tight jeans for pants. Now that is horrific.
Holy mother of all that is good and pure. I cannot, will not, and must not wear anything of the sort. I mean, ideally I would love to wear something attractive that fits me and isn't from the men's section... but the last time I wore anything resembling "tight" jeans, I was thirty pounds lighter. What to do??!!! I can't show my real body in public! What if someone accuses me of being preggers!?
Thursday, September 23, 2010
"Perhaps the most mysterious universe of all is the one within us."
My Psychology textbook finally came, which means I can start studying. The only material we're being graded on the entire semester are the combined scores of three tests. That's it! No quizzes, no papers, and no homework assignments. This is SO the opposite of how things work at my real school in New York...
I don't know how I feel about Psychology yet. Part of my ambivalence comes from the fact that I can't really decide if I think it's a science or not. I think there are certainly parts of psychology that can be attributed to chemical and biological factors, but so much of it seems like overly generalized theories thought up by people who wanted easy answers to complex phenomena. It's making me really frustrated actually. I mean, I don't pretend to be a genius about anything, so I'm not trying to sound superior. In fact, psychology is such a budding field that I probably sound incredibly ignorant... It's just that my thoughts are complicated enough and I'd rather be learning something like Biology where I can have concrete answers. Anyways, I'll stop knocking the subject and try to keep an open mind. After all, mental health professionals have done a lot for me.
Speaking of which, I had my first support group session at MEDA last night! Yesterday was just kind of mediocre emotion-wise. My mood was pretty much shot all day so by the time 6:00 rolled around the last thing I felt like doing was talking about my feelings. But, it turns out the best time to talk about stuff is when it is the last thing you want to do. The turnout was pretty small, just the group leader, me, and two other girls. Neither of them were extremely thin so that was a relief and I didn't feel overly fat. It's funny. No matter what, before any sort of support group or group therapy with other patients, despite how much I know about eating disorders, and despite knowing that a person's weight has very little to do with whether or not they have an ED, I ALWAYS assume I'm going to be the heaviest and everyone else is going to be emaciated. So far it's never happened. Anyways, both of the other girls were bulimic. It is the most common ED after binge eating. We went around and checked in about how our weeks went and how our moods have been. One of the girls, Jamie, is in pretty much the same boat as me- Took last semester off from school thinking she'd go back in the fall, then took a sharp turn off the deep end in August and put off the return until Spring. The other girl, Laurie, is one year sober today but still binges and purges. We talked about addiction and habits and then spent a good fifteen minutes talking about how none of our friends or family members understand what it's like. Everyone expects recovery to have a definite timeline but eating disorders just don't work that way. It was an interesting conversation, and then I drove home and had a big bowl of whole wheat crackers for dinner. Not a 100% balanced meal but it's all I was hungry for and I think it evened out calorically.
Now I'm off to Staples to buy index cards and a big old notebook for class.
I don't know how I feel about Psychology yet. Part of my ambivalence comes from the fact that I can't really decide if I think it's a science or not. I think there are certainly parts of psychology that can be attributed to chemical and biological factors, but so much of it seems like overly generalized theories thought up by people who wanted easy answers to complex phenomena. It's making me really frustrated actually. I mean, I don't pretend to be a genius about anything, so I'm not trying to sound superior. In fact, psychology is such a budding field that I probably sound incredibly ignorant... It's just that my thoughts are complicated enough and I'd rather be learning something like Biology where I can have concrete answers. Anyways, I'll stop knocking the subject and try to keep an open mind. After all, mental health professionals have done a lot for me.
Speaking of which, I had my first support group session at MEDA last night! Yesterday was just kind of mediocre emotion-wise. My mood was pretty much shot all day so by the time 6:00 rolled around the last thing I felt like doing was talking about my feelings. But, it turns out the best time to talk about stuff is when it is the last thing you want to do. The turnout was pretty small, just the group leader, me, and two other girls. Neither of them were extremely thin so that was a relief and I didn't feel overly fat. It's funny. No matter what, before any sort of support group or group therapy with other patients, despite how much I know about eating disorders, and despite knowing that a person's weight has very little to do with whether or not they have an ED, I ALWAYS assume I'm going to be the heaviest and everyone else is going to be emaciated. So far it's never happened. Anyways, both of the other girls were bulimic. It is the most common ED after binge eating. We went around and checked in about how our weeks went and how our moods have been. One of the girls, Jamie, is in pretty much the same boat as me- Took last semester off from school thinking she'd go back in the fall, then took a sharp turn off the deep end in August and put off the return until Spring. The other girl, Laurie, is one year sober today but still binges and purges. We talked about addiction and habits and then spent a good fifteen minutes talking about how none of our friends or family members understand what it's like. Everyone expects recovery to have a definite timeline but eating disorders just don't work that way. It was an interesting conversation, and then I drove home and had a big bowl of whole wheat crackers for dinner. Not a 100% balanced meal but it's all I was hungry for and I think it evened out calorically.
Now I'm off to Staples to buy index cards and a big old notebook for class.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
BEST DAY EVER!
Today was an epic day. A day that will live in infamy. I'm so sad that's it's almost over! I'm trying to hard to milk whatever is left of it.
Lately, I've been feeling trapped and suffocated by my daily routine and anxieties, so in an effort to escape the downward spiral of doom, I decided to make today totally fun and exciting. I woke up at 7:30, because I wanted my best day ever to start off nice and early. I drove my mom to work so that I could have the car, and then I came home and brainstormed ideas of how to spend my precious day. I thought about things I used to do when I was younger and thinner and happier but haven't done recently because I've felt too poopy to bother. I settled on horseback riding, because I haven't ridden in years, and apparently it's therapeutic. After some diligent online research I found where I wanted to go, printed out the directions, packed a pb & j sandwich, and drove off into rural Massachusetts.
The farm is called Powderly Meadows :) It's about an hour south of Boston, in a little town called Lakeville that I'd never heard of until today. It's adorable! One of those quaint New England hamlets with a general store and a town hall that looks like a farmhouse. Powderly Meadows itself is only a couple side roads off of Main street, so it was easy to find and I called ahead so they were expecting me. I walked up the driveway, and was greeted at the barn by none other than Mr. Powderly himself. He introduced to a girl named Vanessa, who helped me saddle up and groom. She came with me on the ride, led me through some woodsy trails behind the farm, across fields and around swamps. We saw deer! We rode around for almost an hour and half just wandering through the countryside, talking about horses. At the end of the ride I practiced trotting around the fence, which was painful at first because it took me a while to remember how to bounce in sync with the horse, but I got the hang of it again more or less.
Once I was back inside the familiar confines of the city I went grocery shopping for dinner ingredients. After all, a perfect ending to a perfect day would be a perfect meal for everyone so I bought three pounds of sweet vedalia onions and fontina cheese then came home and made onion gratin with homemade bread crumbs. It was so yummers, especially since I cooked the onions in butter and white wine so they'd be extra soft and juicy.
Now I'm up in my room with Rachel, making friendship bracelets and listening the Hannah Montana soundtrack. Both of us have pretty much grown out of Miley Cyrus but we are feeling nostalgic.
No plans for tomorrow. I'll probably take it easy, maybe go to the gym if my ass isn't too black and blue.
Lately, I've been feeling trapped and suffocated by my daily routine and anxieties, so in an effort to escape the downward spiral of doom, I decided to make today totally fun and exciting. I woke up at 7:30, because I wanted my best day ever to start off nice and early. I drove my mom to work so that I could have the car, and then I came home and brainstormed ideas of how to spend my precious day. I thought about things I used to do when I was younger and thinner and happier but haven't done recently because I've felt too poopy to bother. I settled on horseback riding, because I haven't ridden in years, and apparently it's therapeutic. After some diligent online research I found where I wanted to go, printed out the directions, packed a pb & j sandwich, and drove off into rural Massachusetts.
The farm is called Powderly Meadows :) It's about an hour south of Boston, in a little town called Lakeville that I'd never heard of until today. It's adorable! One of those quaint New England hamlets with a general store and a town hall that looks like a farmhouse. Powderly Meadows itself is only a couple side roads off of Main street, so it was easy to find and I called ahead so they were expecting me. I walked up the driveway, and was greeted at the barn by none other than Mr. Powderly himself. He introduced to a girl named Vanessa, who helped me saddle up and groom. She came with me on the ride, led me through some woodsy trails behind the farm, across fields and around swamps. We saw deer! We rode around for almost an hour and half just wandering through the countryside, talking about horses. At the end of the ride I practiced trotting around the fence, which was painful at first because it took me a while to remember how to bounce in sync with the horse, but I got the hang of it again more or less.
Once I was back inside the familiar confines of the city I went grocery shopping for dinner ingredients. After all, a perfect ending to a perfect day would be a perfect meal for everyone so I bought three pounds of sweet vedalia onions and fontina cheese then came home and made onion gratin with homemade bread crumbs. It was so yummers, especially since I cooked the onions in butter and white wine so they'd be extra soft and juicy.
Now I'm up in my room with Rachel, making friendship bracelets and listening the Hannah Montana soundtrack. Both of us have pretty much grown out of Miley Cyrus but we are feeling nostalgic.
No plans for tomorrow. I'll probably take it easy, maybe go to the gym if my ass isn't too black and blue.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Good stuff
Good news on the therapist front! I was initially hesitant to express how much I liked Dr. Gordon with my parents because I didn't want them to feel guilt-tripped into signing on with a doctor who doesn't take our insurance, but they both made it clear to me that if she seems like a good fit it'll be worth paying out of pocket for a while. So now I have another allied combatant in this war against ED. Hooray! I should give her a pseudonym for the sake of this blog... Dr. Biteme was good for my last therapist because she was cross and punitive and the only thing I ever felt like saying to her was "bite me."
Dr. Gordon is probably in her early forties. She's small... about two or three inches shorter than me, and super skinny. (Ugh. I know, right?) She has lightish brownish blonde wavy hair and today she had it in a pony tail. She looks a little like Sarah Jessica Parker only less pointy in the face.
One thing that struck me initially about her is that she tells me things about herself occasionally. Like, I was talking about how I don't want to wear jeans and skirts and attractive looking clothes because I don't feel thin enough to look nice yet. She told me that she just had a baby, and while she was pregnant none of her clothes fit but she still went out and bought maternity clothes because no matter what, you need actual clothes. I guess I understand where she is coming from but in all honesty, pregnancy weight is completely different. You're carrying the weight of TWO humans whereas I'm just toting around 30 extra pounds of Nutella on my thighs. Anyways, my point is that she likes to use examples from her life when she's giving me advice, which Dr. Biteme never did. I wonder if that's normal. Well it doesn't matter. I embrace the irregular.
I still need to think of a name for her. Maybe I'll call her Panacea. Panacea is the Greek Goddess of healing.
Dr. Gordon is probably in her early forties. She's small... about two or three inches shorter than me, and super skinny. (Ugh. I know, right?) She has lightish brownish blonde wavy hair and today she had it in a pony tail. She looks a little like Sarah Jessica Parker only less pointy in the face.
One thing that struck me initially about her is that she tells me things about herself occasionally. Like, I was talking about how I don't want to wear jeans and skirts and attractive looking clothes because I don't feel thin enough to look nice yet. She told me that she just had a baby, and while she was pregnant none of her clothes fit but she still went out and bought maternity clothes because no matter what, you need actual clothes. I guess I understand where she is coming from but in all honesty, pregnancy weight is completely different. You're carrying the weight of TWO humans whereas I'm just toting around 30 extra pounds of Nutella on my thighs. Anyways, my point is that she likes to use examples from her life when she's giving me advice, which Dr. Biteme never did. I wonder if that's normal. Well it doesn't matter. I embrace the irregular.
I still need to think of a name for her. Maybe I'll call her Panacea. Panacea is the Greek Goddess of healing.
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