Do the dishes, Cinderelly...

In a couple hours my parents and Rachel are leaving for Michigan (Jake is already there working on my uncle's farm), and then for the next two weeks it's just going to be me and Heather taking care of the house. I still have to finish up work before I fly out. I've never been left in charge my own home for this long so I'm kind of nervous. Going over the long letter/list of responsibilities my mother has printed out for us... wanna hear it?! Probably not, but I'm going to copy and paste it in here anyways just so you can see how much stuff I have to do.

Dear Ladies of the House,

You have the place to yourselves for the next two weeks! With freedom comes responsibility...

Your main responsibilities are taking care of the pets, the indoor and outdoor plants, and garbage/recycling. I realize you already know how to do this, but here are the specifics.

Garbage/recycling should be put out on Wednesday evenings. Drag the big trash cans to the edge of the sidewalk in the back of the house. Recycled goods go out in front. Cardboard boxes should be flattened first. Plastic milk jugs, soda bottles, berry boxes, etc. go in separate bins, newspapers in bags.

Re. the pets, you know the drill. Change the kitty's water once a day. They need a little wet food and dry food each day. Be sure to put food cans back in fridge with plastic cover. Re. Rachel's hamster Ollie, throw him some food every couple of days. Check his water bottle to be sure it's not empty or set too low (if it's too low it soaks into the bedding.) Give his cage a fresh change of bedding at least once a week during the time we are away. If Ollie should die (knock on wood!) please wrap him in a couple of plastic bags and place him in the freezer so Rachel can say goodbye when we return. Eliza- please do not dissect him as you did with Cinnamon.

Don't let Tiger out at night! If she hunts, she'll get sick. Best to let her run outside for exercise in the mornings, just after you leave for work. Moxie is the nocturnal one with the iron stomach. She prefers to sleep inside during the day and go out at night.

Now for the plants. The garden should be watered every other day unless you have a rainy spell. That means dragging the hose to the side and soaking dad's vegetables, and the flowers & shrubs on the terrace. Window boxes don't need such frequent watering, but please don't forget about them.

I'm putting some plants on the back porch. It's easy to water those, and don't worry about the water running over the floorboards (just be sure Margie isn't below when you water them!!). These will dry out quicker than the indoor plants, so check them every couple of days. If the soil feels dry, water them throughly.

Indoor plants: Water them twice while we're gone. (e.g. once on July 30, once on Aug. 5.)

Miscellaneous: Be sure to put away food so that bugs don't flock to the kitchen. Keep it clean- if strawberry hulls sit in the sink for even a day, the fruit flies will come back, and then they're hard to get rid of. Fruit goes down the disposal, not the trash.

Bring up the mail and collect it in one place.

Be sure windows are closed and please turn off the AC's and lights when you leave the house for the day, to conserve.

That is all. Have fun together!

Love,
Annie, David, & Rachel.

Why do I already feel like I'm going to screw something up?

Ho hum

I'm sitting in my lovely air conditioned living room watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch and eating Cheetos with my little sister. Rachel has agreed to help me get back on track with my life by hanging out with me this afternoon. After this episode we're going to sit down together and make a list of entertaining things I can do during the day that don't involve eating. Not quite sure how well that'll work but it's worth a shot.

Anybody ever heard of Winter the dolphin? He's the latest craze with the kids at camp. Scientists designed Winter a fancy prosthetic tail after his real one was ripped off during an incident with a crab trap... now he's famous. My campers spent literally half the day huddled around the computer watching him on a live webcam from the aquarium in Florida.

I'm feeling depressed. Maybe tonight I'll start taking my meds again. I've been putting it off because I think a part of me likes all this bingeing and sleeping and bingeing and sleeping without blame. Somehow I feel like since I'm illicitly off medication there's an excuse or a reason for the behavior and it's not my fault. Does that make sense? The reasoning I mean, not the actions.

A few minutes ago I ran downstairs to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I ran into my dad, who said Dr. Biteme says hi. I thought he was kidding so I just said haha. But he was like, "No, mom and I really did just have a meeting with her."

"Oh. That's really weird. Huh. Weird..." And then I trailed off because I started imagining my parents and my therapist having a conversation. Mom and dad squashed down into her scratchy little couch that sits only like six inches above the floor, while she towers above them in her swivel chair, exposing horrid secrets about the inner workings of my twisted mind. DEVIL WOMAN! Anyways, I guess he felt uncomfortable about it too because he didn't respond, and instead started awkwardly rummaging through the fridge for something. He pulled out a rotten tomato from the back of the vegetable drawer and offered it to me. I laughed and said no thanks.

"You sure? They're pretty good when they're soft and wrinkled."

"That's what she said."

"Okay, Eliza."

Anyways, almost dinner time. Maybe I'll throw a frozen Trader Joe's pizza in the oven. This Cheeto I'm about to eat looks a lot like a distal finger bone.

A rant about my mother

Some days my mother nags me so incessantly that I wonder if she is doing it on purpose. Like, does she wake up feeling anxious and decide that the best way to deal with that is to rub some off on me? Because that is how it feels. I am just trying to get through each day in one piece without surrendering to truculent feelings of depression but she's making it so difficult!!

This morning I was making myself lunch to bring to camp- peanut butter and jelly on Canadian white, which I have maybe once a week. She goes, "So you're not going for whole wheat bread anymore?" Honestly, I would have rather she just said, "I can't believe you're eating white bread it's junk food." I guess she wanted to keep the tone harmless and off-handed but it sounded more like she was trying to mask some sort of disappointment in me. Like she was really thinking, "I guess Eliza doesn't care about recovery anymore if she isn't eating 100% nutritious food." Also what bugs me is that, first of all, most of my sandwiches ARE on whole wheat bread. Today she just happened to witness an exception. Second of all, people who don't understand eating disorders don't understand that you are SUPPOSED to try and incorporate triggering foods into your diet because it helps overcome irrational beliefs and urges to binge. Anyways, after she said that I lost any and all interest in pb & j so I brought yogurt instead.

At 12:30 after we dismissed the kids she picked me at school. It was already sort of tense when we got in the car but I didn't really know why so I just assumed she was about to remind me about e-mails I needed to send or plans that have to be worked out before I go to Michigan in a couple weeks. She said, "You need to get back to Dr. Nance Roy and have your interview for re-admittance to school in the fall."

I said, "I will."

"I sent you an e-mail about it."

"When?"

"Yesterday. I really don't want to keep having to nag you about it."

"Okay."

"Seriously, you need to get in touch with her or you can't go back to school next year." (Just FYI, this interview isn't really for re-admittance, it's purely a formality and basically just a chance for me to check in with the school about how I'm doing)

I stared out the window and said, "I get it." Another five minutes goes by but somehow I still don't get the feeling that she has said all she's needed to say. So she starts this super awkward conversation about how weird it's going to be that I'm driving back to NY with Aunt Sarah and her more than just a friend John Robbins at the end of the summer. Why would this be weird? We love Aunt Sarah. We love John... well, John returns to England the same day I return to school and my mom thinks I would be in the way if I slept in her apartment on their last night together. Ummm.... EW!? Why? Why bring up the subject of older people doing it? It was literally as if she had run out of things to pick on ME about, so she thought... "Okay, let's bring up the subject of intercourse."

Anyways, a few minutes ago she came into my room and said, "Have you written that e-mail to Nance Roy yet?"

I paused. Sometimes when I'm super annoyed by something someone says I take a moment of silence before responding. That way it gives the other person a chance to realize what an idiot they are. "Yes, I'm writing it right now."

Then she said, "Can I just say something? I feel like I need to get this out in the open." I was so scared. My parents don't like to "get things out in the open," so I knew it must be pretty bad and I immediately started racking my memory for any recent transgressions. Did she find that piece of chewed up gum on the seat in the Prius? The empty ice cream cartons I hid under the sink in the bathroom? It must be something embarrassing and gross if she looks this upset. She walked slowly over to my desk and opened the top drawer, pulled out my make-up bag and holds it up. Whoops.

The moral of the story is: Don't hide cigarettes in your cosmetics purse, because they will ultimately be found the next time someone needs to borrow mascara from you.

The end is nigh, people

The last five days of my life have been like a nebulous downward spiral of doom. On Thursday or Friday I forgot to take my meds, and then for some reason didn't take them the day after or the day after that or the day after that. Whoops.

I want to crawl inside a hole right now. I literally want to go out into my back yard with a shovel, dig a nice moist hole in the dirt next to where my cat is buried, climb in, and never come out.

This morning I woke up at 11:00. Well, my mom woke me up. Who knows how late I would have slept if she hadn't yanked the covers off me and snapped the shades open.

It's not the just psychological effects of the bingeing that have been wearing on me either. Today I was still so full from yesterday and I started having these weird little burps. I tried to hold one in, but I guess my pharynx has been weakened or something because the burp wouldn't stay down and instead came up through my nose in a torrent of stomach bile. My dad saw it and was like, "Woah! Over the sink, over the sink!"

So there is the update. I'm not in the mood to write much else but you get the gist; sleeping all day, bingeing when I'm awake, and apparently falling apart from the inside out.

Bulletproof

Just returned from a productive therapy session with Dr. Biteme and I feel fine! This is a first. Usually I leave her office feeling fat and dejected, and today I was left feeling fat and hopeful so life is improving a little bit. I've started doing this little thing in the waiting room that helps me mentally prepare. In the minute or two preceding our appointment time I cross my arms in front of my face, one first then the other and I make a "shink, shink" noise like a knight with a shield. This blocks probing questions and mean remarks, and since I had some binge slips in the past 24 hours I thought it wise to arm myself accordingly.

So I strolled into her overly warm and mildewy chambers, sat down on her scratchy brown couch and smiled widely. She said, "How's it going?"

"Really, really well actually."

"Oh?"

"Yes, surprisingly well in fact. My aunt Sarah and her romantic companion from England are visiting us for a few days before driving up to Michigan. This is when I would have gone out to Michigan if I hadn't decided to stay here and work instead."

"What happened to your shirt?"

You see how she ignores me? I look down and realized there was chocolate all over it from a Nutella episode last night.
"I was baking a cake with my sister this morning," I lied. I had a lot of other good things I wanted to share before talking about bingeing so I lied to avoid going into it. "We're making a special dessert for tonight."

"And you are going to eat an appropriate amount I assume?"

You see how she talks to me? Like a child. Whatever though, it doesn't matter. Words can't hurt me. I said, "... sure." Luckily I was able to change the subject back to the successful week I had before the binge occurred last night. I had an awesome seven days of strong controlled eating, masterful skill use during urges, and moderate exercise. I told her "If you don't mind I'd really like to appreciate how well I've been doing. I just feel like a slip shouldn't disqualify all the positive things." She agreed, which threw me off a little because I was totally prepared to need protection from her you-are-a-disgusting-piggy-binge-eater looks. She was actually more interested in my use of the the word "romantic companion" to represent my Aunt's relationship with John Robbins than anything else.

My Aunt Sarah (the same Aunt Sarah I'm going to be living with next year in Manhattan) is in her late fifties and she has never been married. When she was young she fell in love with John Robbins while he was in America and they were together for a year or two. It ultimately didn't last because neither of them wanted to move to another country in order to be together, so he went back to England, married someone, had kids, and then thirty years passed by/. Thirty years passed by and then in the summer of 2006 my family and Aunt Sarah went to London for two weeks and ran into John. He was divorced and living in Bath. I <3 Bath.

Anyways, since then Sarah and John have been tentatively back together. She still lives in New York and he still lives in England so the relationship is long distance and they only see each a few times a year but they are both amazing and deserving of love so I have no qualms. Dr. Biteme however, seems to think that on some level I have a problem with Aunt Sarah having a boyfriend because it's like I've been replaced? She thinks that it is for THIS reason that I chose to stay in Boston and work instead of driving up to Michigan early with them- not because I want to make money and create structure for myself with a job, but because I'm afraid of feeling unloved by an Auntie who's always treated me like her favorite niece. What a load of poop, right? What a load of poop in a bag.

So my plan for today is to end the binge, forgive and forget, and then jump right back on the bandwagon of health and happiness. Nothing can stop me now :)

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

Because she had bright students. Honk honk. I couldn't think of a title so I'm using the joke on a popsicle stick I found on the ground.

Exhausted. Once a week we take the kids to this fancy playground for the day and let them run around in the spray pool while we the supervising staff stand in the boiling sun and watch. I detest Tuesdays. But despite how much I want to just collapse into bed right now, I did agree to take on a babysitting gig from 4:30-10:00this evening. I just finished reading to Rosalind and River (let it be known that those are in fact their real names), they are tucked in for the night, and now I'm enjoying a diet coke whilst simultaneously blogging on a computer so ancient it still has the Kid Pix application.

Today I weighed myself which was careless because I made a commitment to not step on the scale for two weeks. It's not like if I give myself unlimited access to the numbers I'll weigh myself after every meal, but it does provoke even more negative body image which leads to sadness which then leads to ice cream which then inevitably leads to more weight gain. Fortunately I've lost a few pounds over the last two weeks. This doesn't mean much though considering the last time I weighed myself it was bingeapalooza... so the shedded pounds are mostly water and salt. I've made some calculations though and I have exactly 15 lbs. to lose in order to be skinny again. So let the race begin!

I'll try to see how much can be lost without a ton of restriction... I do love food and I've been following the meal plan ALMOST perfectly so it would be a shame to go and ruin all my hard work. Ugh, who knows? Maybe I'll binge tonight and all of this will be meaningless. Moot.

Slow afternoon

It's almost been a week since the start of my summer health kick and I've been sticking to it fairly well. Today I decided to test my strength against binge urges. For lunch I packed my favorite sandwich that's usually reserved just for food benders because it's too triggering- peanut butter and fluff on rich Canadian white bread. SO YUMMY. But I figured eating with kids at work was a safe enough environment to experiment with triggering foods in a moderate fashion. I was a little bit urgey afterwards. In my mind I was like oh god I can't believe how many calories that probably had I might as well call it a binge and eat five more when I get home. Luckily however, we have a half an hour between lunch and dismissal so that gave me enough time to put things in perspective and get over it.

Blegh I'm working on the poopiest task right now. I need to e-mail the registrar at my school and ask him how to transfer the credit from my BU summer class. I have to all this stuff like dig up the course number and amount of credits the class is worth... boring stuff that I would rather put off till tomorrow. Maybe I'll settle down in front a Harry Potter movie and work so slowly I won't even notice I'm bored. I think I'll go with Prisoner of Azkaban. Gary Oldman is such a fox as Sirius Black...

It's taken me like four hours to finish writing this itty bitty post. I wrote the first paragraph right when I got home from work at 1:00, then I felt like bingeing so I went the gym, then on my way home I picked my sister up from camp and now it's 5:00.