I did a horrible thing. It's weird because I don't want to say what it is but I do think everyone should know how seriously I screwed up and how guilty I feel about it. Just for the record, what I did was legitimately irresponsible and bad. It's not like I binged on a ton of food or something and now I feel bad about it. It's not like I was late to work and another employee had to cover for me. It's pretty bad. Here's what I DID NOT do however, just so you know that I don't belong in jail: I didn't kill anyone or anything, I didn't physically harm anyone or anything, I didn't break the law, I didn't make anyone cry, I didn't hurt anyone's feelings, it doesn't have anything to do with the eating disorder... and it doesn't have anything to do with my job at the ice cream store or my family. So there you have it, sort of.
This may sound self-indulgent, but I'm wondering if anyone else has ever been careless or irresponsible or let someone down in a big way. Right now I feel like I'm the only person in the world who has ever made a mistake and even though I know that can't be true I wish I could just have some assurance that other people aren't perfect either, you know? I just feel horrible and ashamed beyond belief and I need someone to say something like, "Oh Eliza, this one time I was supposed to throw a baby shower for my best friend but instead I got super drunk and slept with her husband instead. Your mistake was NOTHING compared to that." Something bad. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more okay with talking about the specifics of my situation, but right now I feel like if I revealed it you guys would never read my blog again!
Hey Eliza, I don't think I've commented before. I do love your blog! And I want you to know that I have done a million things and felt terrible guilt. I've found that literally talking to myself about letting go of guilt is the thing that makes me feel better. Guilt doesn't help anything; all you can do is learn from your experience and move on. Better said than done I know. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHey girly,
ReplyDeleteI know it's tough living with yourself after you feel like you've done something to make you feel like the world's worst person. But hey, NONE of us are perfect. I'm sure I've made mistakes bigger than this one. But life is all about living in the moment. You can't take back what happened; you can only learn from it. So let's try to do that!
You're in my thoughts and prayers!
<3 Haley
Thanks for the encouragement you guys. The thing I'm learning about guilt is that it's only purpose is to help you make amends and fix the mistake you made. Once you've fixed things the guilt has served it's purpose and you gotsta let it go.
ReplyDeleteEveryone does things that they regret and feel guilty for. The shame in that would be feeling no remorse, which of course, you do. You are a good person who is trying their best, and that is all you can do. Forgive yourself, learn from the mistake, and move forward. Sending {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDelete