Quite the conundrum

I can't really get away with writing posts at work anymore unfortunately. Usually I delete the internet history so Tulan won't stumble upon the link to my blog and discover what I psycho I am, but the other day she was talking about how she couldn't find something on the computer because the history was gone. Whoops. I guess I'll just play it safe from now on and hand write my entries to type up and post later.

Right now I have the worst headache I've ever had. It actually started last night when I got home from babysitting so I just went to sleep because typically pain is gone in the morning. But I woke up a couple times in the night to pee and noticed my head was still hurting. Now it's almost 5 p.m. THE NEXT DAY and my head hurts so much I've actually got tears in my eyes. I called my mom about an hour ago to tell her I was pretty sure I had cancer and might not be around much longer. But she assured me that brain tumors do not just appear and start plaguing people over night- which I already knew I guess but I just wanted some reassurance. So after I called my mom I thought of something. Sometimes the best medicine, believe it or not, is just going on a food bender. I thought about this for a few minutes and then decided I would have two scoops of ice cream and see if it made me feel better. It cheered me up some, but the headache was still there. I had some pretty interesting mind chatter after the ice cream though: "Okay, well I just had two scoops of ice cream which is normal and if I have two more scoops that's kind of coming closer to a binge but not if I just limit it to 4 scoops all together and then skip dinner and the rest of my snacks for the day because in terms of calories I've probably just about hit or maybe come a little under what I'm supposed to get in a day so if I stop now I won't have overdone anything and it won't be a binge!" Whew. Welcome to the inside of my brain. It's a rather terrifying place. Now I'm having guilt about my decision to skip out on the rest of my exchanges for the day... it's still a behavior that I'll have to include in my update to guys on Sunday, right? The question is however, was it a binge or restriction?

You know I kind of that new Katy Perry song Firework. I like line where she's like, BOOM BOOM BOOM even brighter than the moon moon mooooon.

God, now my chest hurts. My heart. I have a heartache. What's wrong with me?