Shoot me. Just shoot me.

I'm sick of working at the ice cream store. Blegh. I want a new job. A better job. An exciting job with lots danger and twists, like... a train conductor. I would love to be a train conductor- and I don't mean one of those lame ass public transportation goons who just sit there and glare while you struggle to stuff wads of dollar bills and change into the fare machine. I mean like an old fashion steam engine conductor a la Tom Hanks in The Polar Express. Although come to think of it, even a boring MBTA driver job would be more stimulating than working at the ice cream store. Today I only had to work from noon to five, and even though it was painfully slow as usual, the manager, Tulan, stuck around for most of my shift, which is not typical. Usually she leaves and then I spend the rest of my shift reading, journaling, fooling around on the computer, and coming up with positive affirmations for myself that usually turn out to suck and make me feel worse. The best one I could come up with today was, "I have a good personality." Not only is that statement unoriginal (and let's face it, a tad untrue...), it kind of makes me feel uglier than I already am. But my point is that I have everything very scheduled and arranged when I'm working alone, and today I was all like what the hell bitch get out so I can stop pretending to clean the froyo machine and start slacking off. I started to feel especially depressed and when she told me all about how much busier it's going to be in the summer and how I'll have to train the new employees. The summer? You mean that happy season that you're supposed to spend on the beach eating watermelon and riding porpoises? But thankfully she made me feel a little better by saying that I could be a manager in a couple months and be in charge of the store when she wasn't there. That was pretty awesome. And also a little weird at the same time... I hope she remembers that I'm (hopefully) going back to school in the fall.

Okay, here's something I'm really getting myself worked up and upset over: today I got an e-mail from Heather (in case you're new, she's the cousin who lived in my house while I was away at school, and now she has an apartment in Somerville) asking to hang out this weekend. Now, I love Heather like she was my own sister but the thing is she has pretty severe depression and anxiety and every time I see her she's gotten skinnier and skinner. I feel horrible for feeling jealous, especially since SHE used to be heavier than me and now I'm the fat one. Please forgive me for how awful all of this sounds! PLEASE. You have to understand that I just can't help thinking this way. Obviously I wish I could feel compassion instead of envy and resentment but I just can't right now so I'm sorry. That being said, I'm mad as hell and I wish she would stop trying to see me because seeing her only makes me feel like shit, and I've been doing so well the past couple weeks and I just know that seeing her is going to make me want to go on a crash diet which will inevitably fail because I'll get too hungry and so I'll wind up bingeing for the rest of my life. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.